Hello- I'm sure this will be like many other posts, but here goes. I'm 34, married and a mother of 2. My husband and I have been together since we were 17, basically forever. I've always been attracted to other women, but I've never actually had a relationship with another woman that was more than just friends (not that I didn't want more a couple times, but I've been with my husband and I'm faithful). I've always been able to push aside my desire to be with another woman, but it's been getting more and more difficult. Last month I told my husband that I'm attracted to other women, something I've always kept hidden from everyone. Since we've always been best friends, in addition to being married, he's doing his best to be supportive but it's been a lot for him to accept and he feels like I betrayed him by not telling him. He wants to know if I'm gay, bisexual or just curious. I just don't know. How am I supposed to make a decision like that without knowing what it's like to be with a woman? He's not open to me experimenting and he's probably one of the only guys that is completely opposed to a threesome. Now instead of just being confused, I'm also being pressured to make a life-altering decision. There aren't any support groups in my area so I have nobody to talk to that has had similar experiences. I've started seeing a therapist, but I don't think that discussing how I feel will help me decide if I'm gay or not. I don't feel like my attraction to women is just a curiosity, but because I don't have any experience, I don't know. No matter what I choose, I will be losing. If I stay, I won't ever know if I'm meant to be with a woman-and I think I might be. If I leave, I'll be losing my best friend, completely altering my kids' lives, my lifestyle, my plans for the future. All to see if I'm really meant to be with women. What if I'm not? What if I am? Needless to say, I'm confused and stressed. Any words of wisdom or advice would be really appreciated.
Well let's start with the compare and contrast. IF you stay with your husband you will have a burning desire to know, that may or may not fade in time. If it doesn't it could eat away at you, which may erode your friendship and your marriage. If you stay with him, you may lose your chance to be fulfilled and find your soulmate. If you stay with him you may grow to resent him. Alternatively your feelings may subside and you will know you were meant to be with him all along, and be extremely grateful you stayed. Alternatively if you leave him . . . You might find out you were meant for women, or you might not. If you find out you were you might find your soulmate. If not you might lose the man you love and your best friend, leading you to love with regret forever. Also remember you aren't the only one affected if you leave. Your 'best friend' will be devestated because he loves you dearly, and your kids may be hurt to, but depending on their ages how hurt they are may very. I guess the choice is yours. Both options have a potential for great gain, and great loss. There is only one right choice, and it's impossible to know which. Also, I feel like I should raise this option. Have an affair with a woman (preferably one you have a legitimate excuse for spending that much time with. you could keep it short (3 months tops) and it may help clarify your feelings. It may be like scratching an itch and once it's done it's out of your system. Or you may discover you were meant for women-- in that case have a divorce. Or if you discover your bisexual you'll have to make a heart breaking choice, but it will have to be made . . . I'm not reccomend this last optionn, but I felt it would be non thorough not to state it as a option.
Hi Amber, First of all, we all love reading posts even if on the surface they look like other posts. You are important and we support everyone here. Also, it is okay to not know your sexuality right away. I first identified as bisexual and kept that to myself before coming out as gay when I was ready. I am still coming out to people and I only tell them when I am ready. You have that control too. Okay so... I have never been married but a lot of my girlfriends are bisexual and are (or have been) married to men. One of my girlfriends has a husband (+ kids) and a serious girlfriend who she has been with for a couple of years now. From my understanding things are rough in her marriage because of it. I also have another friend who has a husband who she is loyal to but she sleeps with women when she feels like it. Apparently she argued with her husband about it but won the argument that it is her body and she had the right to do what she wanted as long as it did not interfere with her marriage. She won. It goes both ways I guess. Alright so I will give you a few nuggets of advice that I hope will help. 1. Try "experimenting" in virtual worlds. I am not allowed to give website names on EC. Do some homework on this. 2. Join a group for bi/les women in your area. They exist and I have a specific website in mind where you could find a lot of these groups. Do your homework, that is all that I can tell you. Maybe search for meetup groups? That would be a start. I promise you, there are PLENTY of groups out there. Bi/les women waste no time in meeting one another, although finding where they hang out can be a bit distressing. 3. Take things slow, don't rush anything. Become more comfortable with yourself first. 4. Give yourself a break and give yourself a pat on the back! It takes guts to come to terms with yourself, you should be proud of yourself. 5. Give your husband some time to think about this. There are 7 stages to grief and when coming out of the closet (for you and for him) - this will be a process. I went through it too and it took me several months. He may come to accept this and if he loves you like you have described then he should love you regardless. He probably fears just losing you (and maybe you don't have to leave him). I cannot tell you to divorce your husband, leave him, etc. and you may not have to do that anyways. Take a breath, learn about your sexuality, and don't make any big decisions right away (you don't have to). I hope this helps! hugs
You have a very difficult choice ahead of you. But be warned if you open up pandora 's box you can't go back. You would have a compelling desire to see it thru which could lead to divorce. Are u prepared for that?
Well I am going to say this. You two have been together a very long time. Are there problems? How is your sex life? Could you be happy with him for the rest of your life? I would say if you are bisexual, his gender wouldn't matter if you were happy. You have alot of things to ponder. And I will be honest, that this isn't an easy road. I have been working through coming to terms with being queer for almost fours years now. The one thing I learned is I did not put a label on it. I am queer, not bi not lesbian just queer. If helped me understand that maybe I was just missing something in my marriage. Once it was a lack of connection between my husband and me I realized I may like women more than I thought. I am sure now being with a women is where I want to be, but I also had a very intense and heart breaking affair with a woman. So be kind to yourself and take time to sort out your feelings about yourself, your husband, your marrige and what you really want in life. Good luck and we are here. So many of us have or ate facing the same thing you are right now. We are a family here. Helping each other get through this. Take care. Message me if you ever need to talk
