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Unpeaceful thoughts

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Okay124, Apr 24, 2016.

  1. Okay124

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2016
    Messages:
    5
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    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hey everyone. I'm new and I just really wanted to post something here since I've resding tons of threats regarding this topic. I am diagnosed with obsessive thoughts/anxiety disorder, this began on my senior year (18) and I am now 20. It all began after I had a vivid dream that somehow when I woke up I thought I was possesed, this obsession lasted for like 6 months full force until I had a dream where I kissed a girl and woke up with the "what if i'm a lesbian?". I remember waking up really anxious and my mind suddenly linked my childhood where I had some sexual play with my little sister. She was 5 and I was like 10, I got caught and stopped. I remember being a really sexual kid, I saw a porn movie on TV when I was on kinder and I remember kissing the restroom wall (?), humping my dog, and kissing magazines pictures. I was abused by one uncle, and a cousin who would help me to get a guy I liked in exchange of him touching me. After all of this ended by the age 11, my mind mentally blocked anything sex related, from fifth grade to senior year. I had boyfriends, but never had physical touch since I thought it was wrong and I wanted to be a virgin until marriage. All this memories get linked to my thoughts of if I was always a lesbian but I didn't know. I have a boyfriend now we've been dating for a year and four months, I love him and he was the first one to ever touch me with my consent, I feel good around him, he really has made a huge impact in my life. Altough at first I wasn't sure and kissed some guy but didn't feel anything, then I was drunk and I did a handjob to one of my guy (ex)bestfriends. We got over it and now we are better than ever, but these thoughts don't leave. I've had obssesive thoughts whether I truly loved him, that he was gay, that he looks like his mom, what if I was transgender, that I was in love with one of his guy bestfriends, they all made me anxious. When I feel good and my mind is at peace I feel great. But I get images of women on top of me and I get and automatic rejection, I've seen Orange is the new black but nothing aroused me, although I've felt arousal or I guess, with some thoughts while rejecting them. I've thought I liked a girl who goes to my college and then a guy who would stare at me alot. I have seen that with her is anxiety and with him it felt good, but still all the flashbacks to the things that happened to me come back and make me doubt. My little sister who seems way more mature than me, forgave me and told me she had question it before but when she was like 12, she felt she liked girls and all but went back to hetero. Why did it happen to me now? Acoording to my therapist, I repressed sexuality for a long time tht it just exploded now that I'm vulnerable. It makes sense to me but I need some of you guys opinion, I really don't know anyone who is gay or a lesbian and I need your help. I just want peace and stop my mind. :icon_sad:
     
  2. Okay124

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2016
    Messages:
    5
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    By repressing my sexuality, he meant my hetero sexuality