Quick background: I'm a 25yo girl and I've only had one serious relationship - it was with a boy. It ended about three years ago and since then I've accepted my attraction to girls and have come out to my friends and family. I haven't had any long term relationships with girls, but last year I really fell for an American. She was an exchange student so time was against us and nothing serious eventuated. I still have feelings for her. Current situation: I moved to Europe three months ago and met a boy who I quickly developed a crush on. Not long after, we started dating. While it was a surprise for me to fall for a boy I have always tried to be open to real feelings, and I felt I genuinely connected with him. It's been almost two months now and things are going well. He's a really nice guy. I couldn't be luckier, except recently my intuition has been having some doubts. I don't think I'm going to fall in love with him, as much as I'd like to. ((If you've seen the classic 'I can't think straight' it reminds me of the conversation: "Are you in love with him?" "There are things I love about him" "And is that good enough for you?" "No, not really")) I don't know if these doubts are because it's getting serious and I'm preparing myself that the relationship might have to end when I go back to my country, or if we're just not compatible, or if it's related to my sexuality. One thing that really worries me is that I never want to have sex. I enjoy intimacy but most of the time I'd rather not have sex if I had the choice. When we have sex I just want it to be over. This was the same with my ex-boyfriend. I don't know if this is because he's a boy, or if I just have a really low sex drive. The other thing that bothers me is that I find myself thinking of other people - mostly the American girl I fell in love with last year. Also my boyfriend and I spend a lot of time with another straight couple and the girl is gorgeous in every way. I can't take my eyes off her and I constantly have to remind myself that I'm supposed to be feeling affection for my boyfriend and not her. These are the main times I have doubts - when we're around this girl and when we have sex. There are other times when I feel so much love and affection for my boyfriend, so I'm confused. I'm not sure what my question is here.. am I lying to myself dating this guy? or am I trying to use sexuality as an excuse to avoid a serious relationship? and why am I so uninterested in sex? Thanks for you thoughts!
You're obviously a lesbian and you just REALLY like him as a person. if you don't like sex with him and that conversation you quoted earlier applies to you then yes I think you are doing both of ya'll a disservice. You love him but aren't in love with him so to speak. Have you told him you're a lesbian? I think you not liking sex with him and even thinking of other women is a BIG hint to just be friends. Nothing says you have to fuck someone you love. Thaw you should do is sit down with him, tell him your concerns and see what he wants to do. If it ends so be it. But only do so after careful consideration.
I've had some of the same issues as you and am still a virgin at 32. I've questioned myself about being straight, bisexual, lesbian and asexual since I can count on one hand the people I've imagined myself having sex with in my life. I came to two conclusions myself, don't know if they'll ring true for you or not but here goes. First, the potential consequences of any kind of sex don't seem worth it to me, and second, somebody would have to be really worth it for me, and I haven't met anybody who surpasses that yet. But that's just me.
It's a really tough situation and nobody here can tell you for sure the answer. I know imagining is different to doing but if you like of the girls and imagine you are in a relationship with one of them do you feel like you want to have sex with them? I know it's a bit of a weird thing to ask but if you split up with your boyfriend would you be upset? Also if he then got with someone else who do you think you would feel about that?
