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Hate being myself! Help needed!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Summer music, Apr 25, 2016.

  1. Summer music

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2016
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Cairo , Egypt
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hi

    I am an Egyptian guy born and currently living in Egypt , if anyone of you don't know about Egypt , I can tell you it is a homophobic place , since it is predominatly Muslim country holding Islamic culture and beliefs , they view homosexuals as sick people , which should be imprisoned and in the community you won't be tolerated if you are a homosexual

    Anyway , let's talk about my story , I was born in high middle class family , well educated parents , my childhood was good away from many fights between my parents but overall I didn't feel traumatized from it , my dad used to pamper me a lot , he used to bring me a lot of toys , he used to hug me a lot while we are sleeping and although he was quite a nervous character I loved him truly..

    I was a straight A student and typically I didn't like hanging out much like my friends , I didn't like sports or football , I always felt I don't subscribe to males view , like I am weird from them

    I didn't feel I had homosexual feelings since I was young , I felt yes I am sensitive but I didn't feel I am attracted to guys

    I notice good looking men and guys but I didn't feel I want to sleep with them

    I started watching straight porn from middle school till very recently , I liked it actually though I noticed I look at males' body a lot .. my relationship with girls was mere good friendship like I was their brother , being shy and sensitive I couldn't make a romantic one with a girl

    When I entered college 4 years ago, my father died in the first year suddenly , I was so traumatized and after 2 monthes I had severe panic attacks and I was diagnosed I had panic disorder

    I remain very panicky from going out of home , feeling always dizzy or anticipating death , it is tremendous fear , from that time I had bouts of depression and I feel I am weak and useless
    seeing all my friends hanging out and enjoying their life while I remain very limited in my journeys I felt I am really handicapped..


    Last year , I was so curious while spending my time in the internet so I searched about gays in egypt , I found a twitter account for one and I contacted him on facebook out of mere curiousity and I befriended some gay egyptians (until thay point I didn't admit I was gay) , I loved a girl in college but also I didn't admit love for her because I felt I must wait to make sure of my feelings
    We had a great fight then we broke up

    After it I had cyber sex with gay men and I liked that a lot , I kept befriending gays on facebook with fake account but I felt disappointed later on , nearly 90% of them ask for sex and one night stand
    I generally don't agree on having sex now , not even with someone I barely know , so many of them either treat me badly or block me

    I downloaded gay apps on android to meet more gays , it turned out apps made me hate gays community so much , everyone asks for my nude pictures and they demand having sex , when I tell them I need friends they laugh at me and block me!

    Being religious at that time , I felt so confused and very regretted I entered this sinful community , so I deleted every gay account and app , and focused on worship and doing religious deeds , since I felt gays are so carnal and animal like anyways

    Afterwards , I felt I couldn't stay like this for long so I resumed my accounts when I talked to my previous facebook gay friend , he treated me very bad and I felt so estranged and disgusted from this community and I deleted the accounts

    I kept going on and off (opening and closing accounts) due to religious reasons and the bad impression I felt from the gay community in Egypt which I feel they are so lustful

    I met one man once on gay app he claimed he loves me , he doesn't want to have sex or such things now , so we had short term relationship but I felt I wasn't happy nor comfortable so we broke up , every now and then he calls me to try to persuade me to come back , I told him I am very confused I can't make my mind

    Also , I felt very angry when he talks to me and tells me about his "sexual adventures" with other men after we broke up , I feel he is doing this out of boredom not of true love

    In last monthes , I gave up my religion and became agnostic because I've done plenty of research on religion and it turned out to be man made , this period coincided with another hope of returning to gay community to meet decent people , also I was disappointed from the high demand of one night sex

    I feel very disgusted myself , I feel like I am a freak when I masturbate to gay porn I feel that's not natural and it jumps to my mind all lustful , exploitive gay men I've met it makes me feel homosexuality is weird and freaky
    Also I can't say I am gay , I loved girls but when it comes to sex I feel males more interesting than girls

    I hate myself for being such bad luck person having panic disorder which hinders me from enjoying my life and very confused about my orientation

    I feel I lack self esteem , I hate my looks , nobody likes me not even girls look at me

    :frowning2: :frowning2: why I was born a freak like this?