Hello everyone. I am new to this website and this is the first post i am making. I am now 22 years old First of all i would like to say that i am not homophobic. I have gay friends and I do not feel uncomfortable around them. Since I was a kid I have always been attracted to girls. Always had crushes on girls and always had straight relations. I don't know what is happening to me and I have been depressed for the last 2 months and a half. When I was 15 I had my first "real" girlfriend and my first sexual experiences. I loved her and I was really aroused all the time. Then out of nowhere when I was 16 (still with her) we were text messaging and joking around and I suggested anal as a joke and she replied that i should be the one to take it in the ass. That triggered a reaction that made me feel depressed. I started thinking about that idea and started to freak out that i might be gay although I had never been attracted to guys, their body, wahtsoever. I even went to see a psychologist and she told me its normal that people have doubts. After this, I spent a couple of months thinking about this, while being with my girlfriend (she knew what happened) and always having sex with her at the same time and not feeling sexually attracted to man at all, but all but always with the idea, the thought that I was gay. Things moved, we eventually split and suddenly the thoughts started to disappear and I was with other girls, more than one at a time sometimes (friends with benefits) and I eventually fell in love with other girl. I thought I was cured and it was a strange phase. In my first year of college I had a depression and I was thinking about suicide. This all started when i was at a big festival with some of my best friends and out of a sudden the thought "what are we here for? what is the meaning of life? why should i care about anything if I am going to die anyway" triggered the whole thing. just this tought, after some great days of partying, made me question the whole meaning of life. I went to psychlogist and this got better altough I was clearly still think about suicide and death everyday. I had another attack like this and I just knew I needed help and started taking some meds. I got "cured" and altough some times i feel a little depressed, the anxiety was easy to manage. During all this time I had been with girls, and didn't have sexual attraction for guys. I would like to mention as well that since I was 6 years old till now I shared locker rooms with guys (I was on a football team) and never felt attracted even if they had really good bodys. Actually, I never had to think about it...just when I had my first SO doubts I was kind of testing me if that aroused me and no, i was cool with locker rooms and no sexual attraction. Since 3 months ago I was "obliged" to move to another country for work reasons and the country i got assigned was not what i wanted and i started to feel disappointed and anxious for moving. When I arrived I cried a lot cause i was feeling like my situation was shit and I would not meet new people and i would be lonely here (My office is just me and my boss...). I first moved to a hostel and things were ok because i was meeting people everyday but when i moved to my new flat i had the feeling that i would get lonely. during the time i spent in the hostel i had sex with 2 girls. (I am in warsaw, party city...). I started watching the show empire where one of the main characters is homossexual and one day when i was leaving work i started thinking about it and it was like the first time. I could only think that i was gay too and my thoughts were really frightening. For 2 and half months now I ve been feeling like shit everyday. I actually met a girl before she left the city and went back to her country (and before this questions all started) and we speak everyday and i really like her. the moment i saw her i felt like i wanted to be with her ( you know, that instant connection...). but even with this my mind just tells me i am gay and i can't stop thinking about this. I obssess with this all day almost. I actually can enjoy the day when i am with a few people i ve met here and i feel in a comfort zone, but even the tip back home from work is a pain for me because i fear that i am going to feel attracted by men. Actually now when i look at a man and i know that he is good looking my brain reacts to that. its a sequence like this: 1) find a guy attractive. 2) feel ashamed and anxious. this all happens authomatically without me thinking, in the time span of seconds and i feel kind of a shiver down my body (no, its not a shiver like the ones when you know you want someone, i have had those and they dont make me feel bad and anxious). I ve been searching on the web for answers and I also talked to my psychologist back home and she told me that its probably HOCD and that I am not gay but maybe I should do some treatment with meds so my mind stops thinking about this all the time. My biggest fear is if I take meds but dont come back to being "normal" (no discrimination intended). I would like to hear your opinions. thanks and sorry for the long thread
