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A potentially stupid question.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Chinaski, Apr 26, 2016.

  1. Chinaski

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    I've been questioning my sexuality for some time and recently started identifying as bisexual. I grew up in a Christian family and I'm fairly sure I've therefore repressed any same-sex attraction I might've felt as a child (I also deal with a lot of internalised biphobia/homophobia as a result of my upbringing). I've only ever been with men but ever since I realised I'm actually attracted to women it's like I couldn't care less about men. I feel very liberated now that I've discovered that I like women but it's also confusing.

    Just prior to writing this post I was pacing in the kitchen and ruffling my hair while thinking that I don't think I've ever felt this way (the way I feel about women and wanting to be with them) for men before. I've been romantically interested in men and there has probably been some curiosity about being physically intimate with them, but I haven't really felt sexually attracted to them that much. Not like the longing feeling I'm currently experiencing about women.

    This is probably part of the "bi-cycle" or maybe I'm feeling like this because it's the first time I'm actually allowing myself to feel same-sex attraction and it's all new and exciting, but what if I'm gay? I've identified as bisexual for a little while and I will probably continue to do so because even asking myself if I'm gay is probably stupid. I mean, I'm open to a romantic relationship with both men and women (currently much more hesitant regarding having a sexual relationship with men). There's this little "what if" in my head though. What if I'm not bisexual but homosexual? I guess I should've known that much earlier in life if that was the case though.

    Anyway, I just wanted to hear your thoughts on this. I'm obviously still a bit confused. One thing's for sure though: I'm definitely not straight.

    ---------- Post added 26th Apr 2016 at 07:13 PM ----------

    Perhaps I should add that I'm in a relationship with a man but I don't really feel any desire to have sex with him (nothing like the longing feeling of being close to a woman), which makes me feel like a douche. The whole reason I started questioning my sexuality was because my boyfriend complained about not getting enough sex. I started trying to figure out why I don't want to have sex with him, which led to me to thinking that maybe I'm asexual. Entertained that thought for a while but realised I'm actually into women and, well, the rest (the very short version) is in the text above.
     
    #1 Chinaski, Apr 26, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2016
  2. taken

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    I totally identify with you on this. I too was raised in a Christian household. My grandfather was a southern Baptist preacher and 90% of my family is religious. I was always very tomboy but mostly chalked that up to having 2 older brothers and having to do everything with them. In high school I started meeting people who were openly gay/bisexual etc. I was friends with them but always told myself it was wrong and never really thought much about it. Then I started dating but never even thought about having sex because I was told to save it for marriage. So those things were just never really thought of. Fast forward to me being 19, in my first serious relationship with a guy. We finally talked about having sex and all that. Well we lost our virginity to each other. After having sex for the first time, I never really found it that exciting and wasn't something that I was really interested in doing. I would have sex with him just to please him. Eventually it got to where I would refuse sex, we would fight about why I never wanted to have sex, etc. I too went through the whole asexual thing but realized that wasn't really me. We eventually got engaged, continued to fight about things and that didn't last long... Throughout college, I went through the party phase and would see all my friends pursuing guys and so I would go along with it. At this time I started thinking about maybe I am bi/les? I got away from the family and away from strict religion, and had several very close homosexual friends. I would go out and try to meet guys and try having sex with them to figure out if this anti sex thing was just toward my ex or what? Well after meeting and dating a few guys who were GREAT guys but just not being able to be attracted to them in a sexual/emotional manner, I finally had to take a step back and examine myself. The more I studied myself and my feelings, I noticed that I was attracted to females, I had just ignored it for so long. So I decided that I needed to break up with my current boyfriend because he was nothing more than just a friend to me and I didn't want to lead him on as he had already brought up the word LOVE and I couldn't say it back to him. Soon after i broke up with him, I met this amazing woman. I could be myself around her, and I noticed that I was an all around happier person. I had finally accepted myself and quit trying to force things that weren't going to happen just because that's what I had been taught was the "right" thing. It took some time for me to realize these things and learn to accept myself. But once I did, I was able to wean off of my anti-depressant medications that I had been on for 4 years and learned to love myself. I've now been with this woman for a year and 8 months and everything seems so right. Everything that had been missing in my hetero relationships is there and not forced with her.
    Originally, I identified myself as bi because it was just the easy thing to do. Now, if someone asks me, I am definitely lesbian.
    It isn't an easy path, but it sounds like you are on the right path to discovering who you truly are. Try not to get caught up in the labels of straight, bi, les, gay, pan, etc. Be yourself and do the things that make you comfortable and happy and you'll eventually figure out what category you fit into, as there's a plethora of them.
    Also, don't deny yourself of these things because of your religious background. Don't let someone else decide what you should and shouldn't do. This is your life and your happiness. I share my experience because I don't want someone to have to go through the things I did and driving myself into depression just because I was scared of disappointing someone else.
     
  3. SHACH

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    I do relate to this. I've been sorta interested in guys and I've been very interested in the idea of intimacy with guys before I really put two and two together about girls... but I've never felt the convergence of this romantic interest and sexual curiosity in guys. I have felt this very strongly with girls. This often makes me feel like I'm gay. But occasionally I meet a good looking guy and such and I think I'm obviously bi because I don't think a gay girl would be thinking about his attractiveness... but when I think about sex with good looking guys... suddenly I'm realising I just don't WANT it like when I think about girls, I just think it would be decent and I'm starting to get rather bored of that idea. Which is funny because I was perfectly fine with it till I accepted liking girls. But as you said, I feel like a should have known if I was gay. I couldn't have kept it down that low - I mean my family aren't even THAT religious I don't even think I have your excuse.

    I think taken's advice is amazing... you'll work it out as long as you don't let your religious background hold you back, and labels are a tool for communicating how you feel - until you make a decision that you want to communicate, you don't need to carry one around, you can just live. When the pieces fall together, you have a label to use. That's my current attitude. What you need to be, is pragmatic though. Think about what you're doing now. So in your case... if you really don't want to have sex with your boyfriend and he does, you need to talk about it and you might need to break free on your path to discovery as taken did... I say it like its so easy - obviously it isn't. BUT easy isn't always right.
     
    #3 SHACH, Apr 26, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2016
  4. Chinaski

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    Thank you for the replies, taken and SHACH. I'm completely sure I'm not straight and I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual. Maybe asking myself I'm gay is just another thing I have to go through before I get completely sure I'm bisexual.

    I've had three serious relationships in my life and they've all been with people of the opposite sex. I didn't have sex with my first boyfriend due to us both being Christians at the time and "saving ourselves for marriage". Had sex with the other two boyfriends (one is my current boyfriend) and didn't like it with either of them. I mean, sure it feels physically good but it's disappointing and not something I really feel like doing, which is why I started asking myself if I'm asexual. Think I've realised that doesn't fit me though. Since I realised I like girls I've caught myself fantasising about sex with them (my crush for example), wanting to have sex with them (not really anyone specific but with women in general), etc. It's a desire I haven't really experienced towards men before. At least not this much.

    Don't really know what to do. My boyfriend and I have had problems (mainly with sex) since long before I realised I'm not straight and right now I kinda feel trapped. I'm torn between thinking that maybe I'll make the biggest mistake of my life if I break up with my boyfriend and thinking that maybe I just really need to be on my own for a while and figure things out properly.
     
  5. taken

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    The feelings you describe are some of the same feelings I had. In the beginning you're like "yay sex" then that quickly fades to "I'll do it just to make him happy." But in the mean time you're still wanting sex, just not with a man. When I started having these feelings I started wondering if it was just because it was something new and exciting that I hadn't experienced before? Or was it truly a feeling I was having? I can be a little bit of a thrill seeker at times so I always wondered would I end up in the same situation with a female. I think that these questions are something that you may never be able to answer and feel fully content with yourself if you don't seek out the answer.

    I'm not saying to break up with your boyfriend, but I think to be content with yourself you need some time to truly think about these things and reflect on yourself. I fought this internal fight for a long time and completely understand the feelings you're having. I hope you can find some answers and true happiness.
     
  6. Chinaski

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    Well, not really. I mean, I can definitely relate to just having sex to make him happy. However, I didn't really feel like I wanted sex in the meantime. I just thought there was something wrong with me and that maybe I just really disliked sex in general (hence the thoughts about asexuality).

    Yeah, I have those thoughts too. Along with thoughts like "what if I'm faking/imagining everything?", "what if I'm really think I'm not straight but won't like having sex with a woman when I try it?" (which would make me incredibly disappointed by the way because, in my mind, having sex with a woman would probably beat having sex with a man any day), etc. Makes me worried. :frowning2:

    I'm not ready to try it out yet though. I really want to (I mean, I really do) but I need to work on my confidence and self-esteem first. Right now I probably wouldn't dare to have sex with anyone (man or woman) because of how I feel about myself. I need to work on liking myself first and then I'll probably feel more comfortable with the thought of actually having sex with someone (a woman, please). Do you know what I mean?

    The truth is I would be very disappointed if I didn't explore my same-sex attraction. Especially since I seem to be more attracted to women than I've ever been to men right now.

    Anyway, thank you!