Hello! I'm really going through a rough patch, and I was hoping I might be able to find some advice here. Please forgive me for the book I'm about to write. This definitely classifies as rambling, but I'm feeling so overwhelmed. Any advice is appreciated. A TLDR summary would be: being physically attracted to females only; attempting to explore this many times throughout my life without much success; having only ever dated males despite being attracted to females from a really young age and despite failed attempts to explore this further; being rejected by family and friends in attempts to come out; trying to suppress my potentially lesbian tendencies for years and years because of this rejection, only to have all of this guilt and shame build up into a giant monster that's threatening to ruin my current relationship, wreaking havoc on me emotionally. I can't quite tell if I'm bi or lesbian. But it's always been obvious to me that I'm physically attracted to other females, and physically repulsed by males. What I can't tell is whether or not I'm attracted to them exclusively, although it often seems that way. I'm more inclined to believe that I might be lesbian given that I feel no sexual attraction to men at all, nor have I ever. But, for all I know, I could end up asexual and not be sexually attracted to either, even if I am only physically attracted to females. Yet, despite this, I've only ever been with men. And, worst of all, my doubts are now starting to interfere with my current heterosexual relationship to an excruciating extent. It's something I've known since childhood. When I was a kid (kindergarten to second grade age) I was caught kissing not one, but two, of my female friends at varying points in time. It seemed like innocent childhood crushes, but I was in a horrific amount of trouble after having been caught. I later tried to chock it up to childhood naivety, and not really understanding that it was "wrong," to do. This was clearly a result of cultural conditioning by those around me, and I had a hard time coming to terms with it for a long time as it was clearly out of the question in my past situation. But, this was a recurring issue for me. In high school, I fell head over heels for a girl I went to school with. Neither of us were really out of the closet, and I ended up getting lead on for 2 years straight before finally being straight-up rejected because she was too afraid of what people might think. It was a pretty painful experience for me since it had been so drawn out. I even tried coming out to my family about it so that I really could be with her and not have to be afraid or hide it. It was a double whammy. My family put me on lock-down, I was deemed "mentally unstable," for it, and the girl I liked was not willing to do the same, hence the resulting rejection when I came out and she didn't. I tried really hard to suppress it and convince my family it was just a phase after that. It caused a huge rift between my family and I, deep enough that I later ran away and stopped talking to them completely. They haven't heard from me in years, and they likely never will. Fast forward to after graduation, when I found myself working at a local coffee shop. I had two experiences there that brought all of this back to the surface again. Most of my co-workers were gay or lesbian, so, for the first time I ever, I really felt like I could be honest and be myself. There was a point when a customer came in and she was clearly lesbian. She had a short haircut and wore androgynous style clothing -- a polo and khakis. When she walked in, I was nearly breathless. I mean, she was gorgeous! I felt like a deer in headlights looking at her. I took her order and she was obviously flirting with me and I could feel myself blushing uncontrollably as I stammered, all flustered and out of sorts. She clearly understood the meaning of my behavior, as odd and embarrassing as it was. I had the feeling she wanted to talk to me more but she also seemed to understand that I wasn't 100% comfortable with who I was yet, so she left it alone. I never saw her again, unfortunately. It was a little bit shocking. I'd never really reacted that way to somebody before. I didn't know what to think. I tried to put it out of my mind. And then, about a year later, we had a new hire, also a lesbian. And again, I felt myself becoming physically attracted to her. She was already out about being lesbian, and she had just been through a nasty break-up when her ex cheated on her a few months back. Unfortunately, she wasn't ready to let go of her ex despite all of that, and, yet again, I got caught in a game of being lead on. I felt taken advantage of, in a way. She knew that I liked her and she kind of used me to keep herself occupied until she decided to get back with her ex. Not only that, but she put me down a lot. I accept half of the blame because it was, of course, silly of me to try and pursue anything with somebody who just got out of something else. But it was made even worse by the fact that she used me as a time-waster. I felt miserable. Again, I tried to put it all out of my mind and just move on with life. Skip forward, and I've now been in a relationship with a male for 2 years. It's pretty serious and we've discussed plans for the future. We've made it through a lot together. But I've had some doubts pop up every now and then. I've only ever dated men because my (very novice) experiences with females were so unsuccessful. But I've never really found men physically attractive...ever. In fact, they kind of gross me out. The only way I've managed to date them is by building a connection that's entirely centered on attraction to their personality, not their physicality. This presents a problem to some degree, and there sometimes arises this feeling of not really being fully satisfied, like personality isn't always enough. It's hard to pretend you're physically attracted to somebody when you're just not. And it's even worse when you know they thrive on that and they want you to be. Sometimes I feel like I'm lying, not just to myself, but to them, as well. It feels horribly shameful and gives rise to a lot of guilt. This doubt and dissatisfaction has only grown over time, to the point I actually came out and told my male partner about it. He knew that I had curiosities in the past, and that made him uncomfortable. He's not homophobic by any means, but he obviously didn't want to find out that I was not, in fact, attracted to him. He was made so uncomfortable by it that, for a very long time, I again tried to suppress it and just cover it up, brush it under the rug, pretending that the past really was just a phase -- like I'd pretended so many times before. But it surfaced again and again, to the point I even started having dreams about it. It's really made me feel like a pretty horrible person. I finally told him that I think I'm bi, and I've always thought that, but I was afraid to tell him because I didn't think he would ever be okay with it. I even told him that I didn't feel completely comfortable in a female's body. That doesn't mean I'd ever consider a sex change, but I definitely lean towards androgyny. It obviously made him feel uncomfortable, maybe even a little insecure, and I had to assure him that it didn't really change anything. It was a huge weight off of my shoulders, not having to hide it from my partner anymore. But, at the same time, it didn't feel like the whole truth. I told him that I was bi, but I didn't even know that I believed that anymore. It felt more like I was lesbian. But I knew saying that would mean an immediate end to our relationship, and I just wasn't ready for that. It was too scary to face all of that transition all at once. But again, over time, there's this feeling that something's just not right or something's missing. On one hand, I do love him. I am attracted to his personality and I could continue to be happy with him. But on the other hand, I still don't feel 100% sexually attracted to him, and I have my doubts about whether or not I'm really being true to myself by trying to continue on in this relationship. I've never been with a female intimately so it's not like I have anything to compare it to. But I feel like I'm signing away my right to ever really know for sure. It's also scary because I feel like there are no guarantees. What if I were to end it, later on try to experiment, only to find that I was wrong about everything the whole time? Then I ended a good thing and destroyed him emotionally, all for nothing. He's not just ANY guy. He's someone I've considered spending my whole life with. It's hard to just up and walk away from that. It's even harder to feel like you're not 100% committed to that, even when you want to be. This is just a heart-wrenching experience. I feel so ashamed, like I shouldn't have any doubts at all and I should just be 100% committed to him. But I'm not, and it's slightly terrifying. It's scary to end it when I know it's still a good thing, it's scary to go off into the unknown and really try to find answers. It's just scary overall. And I feel so guilty for having been in this relationship so long when I've never really been certain about it. It makes me feel like I'm leading him on, but I genuinely don't want that to be the case. I don't want to hurt him... I don't really know what to do. I don't know that I'll ever know what to do. I usually foresee my future being that I marry him within the next few years, like we've discussed, and am either a) never 100% happy or fulfilled, but I continue to stay with him despite, or b) I marry him, and then later on end up divorcing because I just can't handle it anymore. This is just an awful, awful experience, and the weight only seems to grow heavier every day. I'm honestly not sure that I'm ready to leave him, even now. I feel like that would be wrong of me to do. I feel like it's wrong of me to even have doubts in the first place. And thus continues this constant cycle of suppression that I've dealt with for so many years. I don't know if I'm bi. I don't know if I'm lesbian. But, regardless of all of that, putting labels aside, whatever has been going on in my life all these years, it just don't feel right. And I'm not really sure what to make of any of it anymore. It's overwhelming, to say the least. It's enough to make me cry even as I type all of this up. Has anyone else been through this? Do you have any experiences, opinions, or advice you might be willing to share? I feel like I'm at my wits' end, and anything, anything at all that you might have to say would help me right now. It would help so much to know that I'm not alone in this, that I'm not wrong for this, and that this is something I can get through; that other people have already made it through. It would really help to just try and make sense of it. It would help to know that I'm not alone and somebody out there is listening -- that somebody is even willing to listen with an open mind, without judging me. I feel so much shame and guilt for all of this already, and it's just so hard to talk about. The last thing I want is for someone else to call me an infidel when I already pretty much feel like one. It's likely impertinent of me to ask, but, if you would, I would really appreciate more positively-oriented, constructive feedback than any further put-downs. I'm pretty sure I've done enough putting-down myself to make up for any judgments you might have to pass. ... Thank you. <3 Thank you for listening. Thank you for even taking the time to read all of this. Thank you, thank you. Signed, AccretedCritter.
