First of all, I just want to thank everyone for sharing their stories, experiences and advices on EC. It has helped me to cope tremendously these past few days. I came out to my mother and few individuals couple of days ago, to which I'm surprised that everyone is very supportive, but were very surprised of my confession. I don't have any gay friends hence I'm coming to the Internet for some peace of mind. As a kid, I would check out classified ads which had multiple listings of muscular men that were shirtless and in their underwear. I was so amazed by their physiques that I cut the ads out from the newspaper. When puberty hit, I masturbated to gay porn.*I had a fetish for hairy muscular men and armpits. I did enjoy straight porn but it didn’t get me as excited as gay porn. I had my first experience with a man at the age of 20. I received a BJ from a guy and it felt amazing. Right after I blew my steam, I ran out of the guy’s apartment feeling guilty and horrible. I told myself I would never do it again. That wasn't the case as I had few encounters (less than ten) with male masseurs over the next few years. The extent of those massages were just mutual touching, kissing, and licking nipples. It never did amass to a full blown sexual intercourse, with the exception of this one time. The masseur gave me one from the behind only because I refused to take it from the front. I told myself for each encounter I have with a guy, I'm going to explore a bit further. However, I couldn’t commit myself to it. By that I mean performing/receiving oral, anal, and etc.* I had sex with my ex gfs but I think that was because I was in my 20s and I was horny. I am 28 now. I just got out of a relationship with a woman not too long ago. My ex-gf was unhappy and thought that I didn’t find her attractive because I couldn’t stay hard for too long. When she gave me oral, I didn’t feel anything. That placed a lot of strain on our relationship and hence we ended it. Every time I made out with her, I was always hard. I loved kissing her, fondling with her breasts, going down on her. But when it comes to the penetration time, I would last about 5 minutes or so before going soft. Sometimes she would reach climax and I wouldn’t be close to it.* I'm not repulse with vagina or boobs. I love playing with them. When I fantasize about having sex, it is not with a man or woman. I like the feeling of being touch. I do dabble in both straight and gay porn now but I usually hit my climax faster with gay porn. I don't have the urge or the interest to pursue a relationship with a man. I don't check out guys. But once in a while when I come across, a half-naked man on Instagram, I would get aroused. In addition, I would get the urge to hire a male masseur once every six month/a year. But I want nothing more than just a hand job and mutual touching.*I mostly get my massage from women. The thing that hurts me the most (and partially depressed) is that I know I cannot have a family or kids of my own. This doesn't mean that I think gay parents are not good as any other parents. Nor I want to go through the process of adoption or surrogacy. It is just that I really have no interest in having a relationship with a man. I can't have it with a woman because my level of arousal with woman is just not as high. I find women attractive, but I know that is not the same as being aroused. Whereas I don't find guys attractive, I'm more aroused with them.*When I watch gay porn now, I get instantly hard, but with straight porn, I have a slight arousal. If I do get “get off” from straight porn, my penis is partly erect. Am I in denial? Maybe. I know I'm gay but don't want to have sex or relationship with men. I really want to start a family but what woman would be OK if her husband is aroused by men. I thought about taking pills so that I can stay hard longer, but that is not natural because I am not suffering from erectile dysfunction. Some would say that I am suppressing my feelings for men and I'm not embracing it. So I thought about going to* erotic hypnotist to let go of this mental barrier and just have sex with men.*Maybe then I would truly be free. I know this is not a question but I guess I want to hear any individual out there who knows that he/she is gay, but doesn’t want to pursue homosexual relationship. Or gay individual who is married to the opposite sex. Thanks for reading.
To me it sounds that you are gay or at least bisexual but that shame and guilt are effectively preventing you from pursuing sex with men. You might also have other issues that did not surface here but shame that deep is usually result from parents and family members who are not accepting to gays. And if you knew from early on you are gay this may have affected your perception of your parents' love for you. My advice is that you should seek out a therapist or a councilor who is experienced with LGBT issues. Explore this issue and what ever other issues that might surface. Perhaps after a few sessions you are in a more clear place to decide what you actually want.
Thanks Euler. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I'm very lost at this point and I found some comfort with your advice. I do get aroused easily with gay porn than with straight porn. I find many women attractive but is not to the point where as I want to have sex with them. Whereas I would hire male masseur just so I can feel another guy touch. At this point I think a therapist would help.
Do what feels right and makes you happy. You've got time. For the longest time I didn't want a relationship with a woman, but then I started question mown reasoning for doing so. I don't even want children. I never want to feel submissive to a man sexually. But I wouldn't mind doing so for a woman (though it'd take some coaxing, which is downright sexy). It's family pressure for me and peer pressure. I'd love to date a girl and marry her. That's me.
I've spent most of my life feeling the same way you do. I'm not much older (32) and have been openly attracted to men since I was like 14. Started having sex with guys at 19. Didn't try girls until 21. I always thought that guys were for sex and girls were for dating. I did identify as gay for a short time when I was 20, in college. I met a guy I would have happily dated but he was straight. I also went out and dated a few guys but it always felt wrong, so I figured I was right that I should just date women and have sex with men. Now I'm realizing that it probably never made sense. That having that same feeling you described, of finding women pretty but having zero desire to have sex with them really but at the same time being willing to do almost anything to feel the touch of another man...yeah. I feel like I should have figured this out a long time ago and realized I would be happier with men. It would mean being in a much different situation than I am in now (practically married to a woman). At this point I know if we break up, I'm only dating men. And part of that is because I enjoy sex with men more and dating them will mean I can enjoy that more openly and exclusively and safely. You live in NYC too, right? I can tell you from experience it's more than easy to be on the down low here. To find tons of guys to just have sex with and live a secret life. But will you be emotionally satisfied by that? I thought I was. Until one day I really, really wasn't.
To me it looks like you are in denial and your are suffering from internal homophobia. Until you can truly accept yourself and allow yourself to be gay you're not going to be happy and have a full life. I fought it for 26 years. I got married to a man so I could have the perfect family. All I was doing was living a lie. I wasted about 8 years of my young life trying to be something I wasnt. All that did was put my best friend through hell and humiliation when I ultimately left him for another woman. Seek out counseling to help you to become comfortable with yourself. The faster you can accomplish that the sooner you can go start living. Don't waste any more of your youth on torment and internal shame.
Thanks Foxfeather. After reading countless of posts on this forum, what I am going through have been experienced many individuals here. In a sense, I feel like I am not going through this alone. My mother is a bit accepting although coming from a religious background, she thinks that through the power of God I am going to change. Though if I do decide to pursue a relationship with a man, she seems to be okay with it. But I'm going to listen to your advise and just do what makes me happy. Overthinking and be sad about it will somehow shorten my lifespan. Thanks for sharing. ---------- Post added 30th Apr 2016 at 10:44 AM ---------- Yes. That is exactly it. I still go on regular dating site just to check out girls. I find a lot of the women to be very attractive, but sexually I'm just a little bit aroused. I like to woo women and be romantic to them, but lately I think what I'm doing is "wrong". Wrong in the sense that eventually when we get to have sex, she is just going to be disappointed. I am lying not only to her, but to myself. Whereas with men, I don't need to look at a guy but just having to feel his touch, I get aroused easily. The thing is that as of now, I dont have the urge to have sex or relationship with men. Once all my friends have family of their own, the loneliness is going to kick in and it is going to hit me. Yes I live in NYC. I'm thinking about giving it a shot and hook up with a guy and just to see how I feel about it. Maybe then I can be at peace about it and fully accept it. Cameoutswinging, thanks for sharing your story. It really helps me to cope. Best of luck to you.
After looking up and reading on "internal homophobia", I definitely agree that I am suffering from it. I took a test and answered yes to all of the below listed questions: Have you ever wished you were not attracted to those of the same sex? Have you ever tried to make those feelings go away? Have you ever felt that your sexual attraction to the same sex is a personal shortcoming? Have you tried to make yourself attracted to those of the opposite sex? Do you avoid interacting with lesbians, gay men, or bisexual people? Do your feelings of attraction to the same sex make you feel alienated from yourself? I keep asking myself, I don't have any problems with the LBGT community. I support equality for all. I don't discriminate against anyone. So why can't I just embrace and accept it myself? A lot of my friends are getting married now, and I feel like I can't share their joy and happiness of having a family of my own. It is going to hurt even more when they start having kids and I know I cant have that for myself. I don't deny that I am not gay, I am denying myself of happiness because I choose to ignore that part of me. I am going to sign up for therapy and start to learn, as cliche as it may sound, to love myself and not to be afraid to love another man. OutofZCloset, thanks for sharing. Not to sound dramatic, reading your comment helps me to live a little.
Glad I could help. Everything you said just sounded so familiar, like I've lived through this so it was easy to share. I think giving it a try is a good idea. You won't have too much trouble finding somebody to hook up with here in NYC. And it could just start to open your eyes to the things you truly want.
So many people have been in the exact same place you are. And denial can be really powerful... the rationalizations we use to justify our behaviors, to keep from accepting who we are all help us to stay stuck. From what you've said, I really don't hear much of anything that indicates you're bisexual; I think, at least based on what you describe, that you're mostly or totally at the gay end of the spectrum, and the activities and beahaviors with women were essentially an effort to fit in. The majority of gay men also struggle with the idea of family. And it's increasingly easy now to have a traditional family, but with two dads... you can adopt, you can foster a child that you later adopt, you can find a surrogate... there are lots of options to make this possible. It's just a matter of expanding your perception of what "normal" is. Society is pretty rapidly moving in that direction except for the (increasingly smaller, but getting louder) group of religious bigots. One piece that might be helpful is understanding the stages of loss, in this case, loss of perception you're straight. They are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance, and everyone goes through them, though we all go through at different speeds. The stages aren't necessarily sequential, and sometimes we move back and forth as we process through them. What you're describing is pretty textbook 'bargaining', though I think you're already starting to move beyond that. The best way to work through your feelings is exactly what you're doing... talking about them, sharing fears, concerns... and simply sitting with whatever is going on as you work through it. I think you'll be surprised at how quickly you can come to accept and love yourself... and how quickly you might find your viewpoint about relationships changing.
Thanks Chip. I told myself that if I don't engage in sex with men, I don't fantasize about guys, I don't check guys out, then I'm not gay. However, since I get aroused by looking at picture of dudes on Instagram and from watching gay porn, I know that I'm not straight. You could be right that my relationship with women was probably just a facade. The most puzzling part is that when I was kissing and hugging my exgf, I was always hard. I wanted to be with her. I don't think about guys. The problem with our relationship was the sex. When I had sex with her, I dont really think about anything other than if I was performing correctly. When I was going down on her, I didnt really feel anything. Although I love sucking on her boobs and when she was riding on me. I assume that I would achieve the same level of bliss with a guy. Looking back, I dont think sex shouldn't be mechanical. It should be natural and there should be this level of connection. At this point, I just need go through counseling and break down this "wall of perception of being straight". Maybe then I can finally experiment with a guy (not just touching and hugging) and discover what I have been missing all along.
When I was with my husband I too thought the sex was allright. It wasn't bad. I kinda enjoyed it. I loved the intimacy with him and being together. But it did feel mechanical. Almost like I wanted to enjoy it more than I actually did. Unlike a man a woman can fake it without the partner knowing it. Sad to say but that was done quite often. But when I was with a woman for the first time....OMG....It blew my socks off. All the lust full passion and intensity rushed in. It wasn't mechanical it was instinct. You get lost because you're not thinking of what you're physically doing. You're just being in the moment with your heart and soul. That is when you know you're really gay. From what you described you are gay not bi. Release yourself and live. You'll find happiness but you have to let yourself. The internal struggle is difficult but it can be overcome.
OP, if I may recommend a counseling center to go to here in NYC - IHI (Institute for Human Identity). The counsellors there work on a volunteer basis. Seeing somebody there helped me a lot and I wish I hadn't stopped a few months ago (I'm looking into going back myself). It's a genuinely great resource and they take most insurances. Google IHI therapy (I don't know if I can just post a link) and give them a call, as they aren't the best at responding to email. Identity House is another great resource. I attended a men's coming out group earlier this year through Identity House and again it definitely helped a lot.
though you said you don't want to pursue any homosexual relationships or sex it might be shallow but for me try to explore your side being aroused by men because from there you can actually feel and can now be easily for you to decide whether your into them or not.
I'm a girl and I want to marry a gay man.. I wouldn't mind him exploring with guys, I just love gay men more than any other type of person. Being bi is hard and there are many different shades of grey :icon_wink
I really think therapy or counselling is the right thing for you because I feel you have a few different things going on that are making your feelings more confused. Importantly, your post is very focussed on sexual acts. Being gay isn't just about having sex with men but if you are experiencing internalised homophobia, it may be the reason that you are putting so much emphasis on the importance of physical relationships. With help you will hopefully be able to see beyond the sexual act and focus more on the emotional relationship between yourself and a potential partner. Hopefully that will make things a lot easier for you to come to terms with and you can move on to achieve your life's goals. Once you have found the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with and decide to start a family together, it won't matter if it's a woman or a man.
