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I Always Feel Like I'm Lying To Myself...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by LoyalGryffindor, Apr 30, 2016.

  1. LoyalGryffindor

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    Like 7 or 8 months ago, I questioned my sexuality for the first time. Thought I was bisexual. After a week and a half of questioning, I decided I definitely was, then the next morning I woke up, decided I was straight and stupid for ever doubting it.
    For about a month, I had to avoid all youtube videos featuring two women couples. I knew they would trigger the questioning.

    Every time I would see two-women couples, I'd wish I wasn't straight. I'd feel jealous that they weren't straight, and got to date women.

    I've never dated anyone. I've had two crushes on guys, but I feel like they were more emotional than physical. I've never had a crush on a guy without first having a conversation with him. I've never had a crush purely on looks. Once I find them emotionally attractive, I find them more physically attractive.

    But, I can look at a girl I don't even know and think she's attractive.

    I can imagine myself in a relationship with a girl. I can imagine doing almost everything with a girl. But I can only imagine certain things with guys...I can imagine hugging and kissing a guy, but then I can't imagine being with a guy when I'm old. I can imagine being with a woman when I'm old. But I just can't imagine being with an old guy. It's strange...

    I'm constantly in fear of being wrong, so I always feel unsure about my attraction to either gender. When I decide I'm straight, I feel like I'm lying to myself. When I say I'm gay, I feel like I'm lying to myself because of past crushes. When I say I'm bisexual, that feels weird, too, because there are so many things I can't imagine with guys. But then I lack self-confidence so much that I can't even feel certain about my attraction towards girls. Real mess in my mind :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: haha.

    Anyways...I've accepted that I don't even need a label. So it's not even about that anymore. It's just become about trying to believe myself. I'm so afraid that this is all just some silly thing in my head, and if I get into a relationship with a girl it will feel wrong. (Not that I have any opportunities to be with a girl right now...or will any time soon.)

    Any advice?
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey you have my sympathies. I had a lot quite similar backwards and forwards questioning in my head before I came out to anyone. I think when it is just you and your mind it can be very difficult not to doubt and question what you are feeling.

    The people you are out to, are they friends or family? Do you ever talk to them about your questioning?

    I know its difficult but the best thing is to try not to over think things and just to go along with them. Let yourself look at guys or girls or whatever you feel like. Let your mind wander and see where it takes you.

    I cant promise to have the right answers but if you want to talk I am always here.
     
  3. LoyalGryffindor

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    Thanks! I'm just out to my brother, his gf, and a bisexual friend of mine. I talk to my brother sometimes, not often.
     
  4. silverhalo

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    It can be difficult sometimes. I know when I was first coming out it felt super strange to try and talk about it out loud (maybe that is just me).

    So if you don't mind me asking, what made you start questioning your sexuality?
     
  5. LoyalGryffindor

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    Well, when I was seven years old or so, I remember wishing I was a boy so I could date girls, because I thought (and still do think) that they are so much prettier. At the time, I didn't even know that girls could be gay...I'd seen gay men, in fact my second cousin is gay, and I grew up in a non-religious, progressive family. But I was ignorant and I live in a small town with little diversity. I didn't know much about LGBT. About 9 months ago, I heard the term lesbian for the first time. I didn't think much of it, because I had always assumed I was straight, and everyone else did, too. But then, seven months ago, I heard the term bisexual and I immediately thought I could be bi. That's what really sparked this whole thing. And I started questioning again a little over a month ago, and this time I didn't try to stop myself. I started questioning again because I saw a lesbian couple in a video and I thought "I wish I was a lesbian so I could date girls." And in the past month its been becoming harder and harder for me to imagine a relationship with a guy.
     
  6. silverhalo

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    I think sometimes you can be oblivious until something almost flicks a switch in your brain. Not that I am saying people become gay but it's just not in their conscious mind for whatever reason. I think I was probably the last person to realise I was gay haha. I did work it out until I was in my mid twenties and then that was because I was watching a tv program with a lesbian theme and suddenly thought to myself hang on I think I am enjoying this more than the average straight girl. I think up before that I just assumed gay people always knew they were gay, don't ask me how.
     
  7. LoyalGryffindor

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    Yeah...There are always people who say that they "always knew". But I don't know how :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: When everyone around you is assuming your straight, and you don't know of any other options, you kinda just assume you're straight, too.
     
  8. silverhalo

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    Exactly. I think everyone's story and path is different. There will be people you find similarities with and others you don't. When I first came to EC I felt like I was the only person who had taken into my twenties to question and figure out my sexuality and here people helped me feel more comfortable that it was more common.

    I know you said you are scared you are wrong. What is your worst case scenario?
     
  9. OutofZCloset

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    It kinda sounds like you're in denial and you're afraid of accepting the fact that you are gay. When we're young our brains want to hold onto being straight so we doubt. If you allowed yourself to be a lesbian and just let yourself feel what you feel for a girl without that internal shame or guilt you would probably stop looking at guys all together. Let yourself open up and feel.

    I married a man trying to convince myself I was straight. Then once I finally accepted myself without that internal shame I find that I'm gayer everyday. Sure I can see a guy and let you know if he's physically a good looking guy. But do I want to be with him? Hell no.

    Do yourself a favor and let yourself be happy.
     
  10. LoyalGryffindor

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    Thank you!! I definitely think I need to stop overthinking every little thing and just let myself feel what I feel.
     
  11. CameOutSwinging

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    I can relate very much to that feeling of having crushes on people of the opposite sex only after talking to them/getting to know them. I think this is a form of feeding into that denial or mental block. Like for me, it's definitely been "hey she's awesome, we get along! I should probably date her!" The two women I have been in long term relationships with are girls I was close friends with first. Would I have been attracted to them without that emotional connection? I have no reason to think so, because I've never looked at a random girl and thought "she's hot, I want to do her."

    I have that feeling when I see guys all the time. All the time! It's completely different.
     
  12. Linus

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    This sounds somewhat similar to me. When I was younger I would only have crushes on guys, because I would talk with them, and then find them cute. I didn't consider girls because I mainly liked to hang out with guys. And most of the girls in my grade were kind of mean.
    but then I realized.. well, that there was a thing called gay. And that that thing was perfectly normal. Once I made more friends who were girls, I started finding them attractive.


    I don't entirely know how you feel because I never really worried over questioning my sexuality. I've questioned over other things though, like my gender. Sometimes you have to let go and see what feels right.

    It sounds like you might be bi, or lesbian. In any case, it sounds like you like girls. So accept it. Your feelings are not a lie, and they never will be.
     
    #12 Linus, May 1, 2016
    Last edited: May 1, 2016
  13. LoyalGryffindor

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    Yes!

    With my past guy crushes, I would always initially think "I would date him" or "I'd be willing to date him". Then it would turn into a crush from there. But I never think of guys as hot. I can notice if they are good looking, but I'm just not attracted to them.

    ---------- Post added 1st May 2016 at 02:15 PM ----------

    Thank you!
     
    #13 LoyalGryffindor, May 1, 2016
    Last edited: May 1, 2016
  14. LoyalGryffindor

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    One other thing:

    So, when I imagine a relationship with a guy it feels very serious. And I don't mean like a serious relationship. Like, when I imagine a relationship with a girl, I feel happy. I feel like it would be a more care-free, happy thing. While with a guy, it'd be more serious than happy...Does that make sense?
     
  15. Username26

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    I feel you. I've just entered an extremely confusing stage in my life. Before August I was exclusively straight and desired only a sexual/romantic relationship with men. But then I started doing research on the LGBTQQ+ community and I became paranoid that maybe, somehow I was bisexual, or worse, lesbian. And that's terrifying because up until recently I just naturally liked men sexually and romantically, and now I'm terrified that I'm only convincing myself and I'll never be happy and this isn't what I really want, because I want to be happy and I want to be happy with a man and I'm afraid that somehow that's not going to happen. I'm a religious person and I've been praying, 'Dear God, I don't have anything against the LGBTQQ+ community and I'm sorry I'm suddenly thinking this way, but please don't let me be homosexual or anything like that, I'm sorry for my sins, please forgive me, I don't want to let everyone down including myself.' I don't want to be with a woman but I'm also scared that I secretly want to be with a woman and I'm afraid, really, I'm so afraid. Why am I thinking like this? This is ruining all of my friendships and I feel like I've lost myself and everything that defined me. I just want to be simple again. That's all I want. God won't forgive me for being gay, I know he won't. Anyway, this isn't about my issues, this is about yours. From how it sounds, I think you are in denial. And that's okay. I don't know whether or not I'm in denial, and I'm afraid I'm only clinging for dear life to my heterosexuality. But due to you 'wanting to do her' by physical appearance alone and having sexual fantasies about women, I think you sound pretty lesbian, but you also mentioned that you've had crushes on men before, but only romantically/emotionally, so I believe the closest description for you is biromantic homosexual. Hope this helped! Forgive me for wasting your precious time.