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I'm beginning to think I might be aromantic/gray-romantic

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by cryptic, Apr 30, 2016.

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  1. cryptic

    cryptic
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    Hey there :slight_smile:
    I'm going to start by telling you I'm 20 yo and I've never been in a relationship. I had a crush once and I thought I had feelings for her, but looking back I'm not so sure anymore. I had a friend who had another crush at the same time as I did and we talked about it often. I always felt like it was way more intense for her and deep down I was questioning myself if maybe she had what a crush was supposed to be and I didn't. I was definitelly sexually attracted to this girl, but I never idolized her or kept smiling for a few hours after she smiled at me or held the door for me (like my friend did). We never got a chance to be toghether anyway.
    I've never been in love. Whatever I felt for her, I'm sure it wasn't that strong. It still confuses me. Because besides that one girl, I'm not sure what I'm feeling.

    I am single and I do want to be in a relationship, because I'm sick of being alone all the time. But I find myself checking dating apps all the time not because I want to find romance; honestly, I'm just looking for someone to scratch an itch. My ideal relationship would be someone that's my friend, but we can have sex together. Sex is great. But I'm unsure about everything else. What is a romantic relationship supposed to look like anyway? What are you supposed to feel for your SO?

    If you got this far you're probably confused. Hell, I'm confused :lol: Sorry for the ramble but I needed to get this off my chest and maybe ask - what do you think? Could I be aromantic? Or maybe gray? I know some people hate labels, but I tend to be more at ease with myself when I can use one. Thanks again :icon_bigg
     
    #1 cryptic, Apr 30, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2016
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    If you have had crushes, want to be in a relationship, and have had intense feelings, you are definitely not asexual, at least if we are using the widely used and studied term. There's a tiny splinter group that will argue otherwise, but there's no data, grounding, or even agreement on their definition of the word, so it usually isn't terribly helpful to people like you trying to figure themselves out. As to the "grey" and other unrecognized labels... almost nobody credible recognizes or uses those terms (it's the same splinter group promoting them) and so again, not terribly useful. Likewise... the same group promotes the idea that there's a separation between romantic and sexual orientation and, again, there's no credible data that supports this idea. (This is the unfortunate outcome when you have a tiny-but-loud group spouting beliefs not rooted in anything measurable.)

    That said, some people like unrecognized labels and nobody has any right to tell anyone what labels they can or cannot use so... if you like them, feel free to use them. I just like to make sure people who are trying to figure themselves out have factual information to do so.

    There's a very wide spectrum of "normal" sexual attraction/arousal. So for someone who is straight or gay, it's quite possible to be very strongly aroused and attracted to a lot of people, or, at the opposite end, to very few. It's also not uncommon (and within the normal spectrum) for it to take time to feel attraction and connection to people (again, no special label needed.)

    What you describe as your ideal relationship is, in fact, what a lot of people describe and again, it's well within the normal spectrum; different people have different perceptions about the importance or value of sex, and strong relationships are built on a strong sense of emotional connection, friendship, trust and caring, so again, nothing unusual there.

    So, at least from my perspective (and one that is shared by the overwhelming majority of mental health and relationship professionals)... you're well within the normal spectrum of ordinary same-sex attraction. At least in my opinion, no special label required. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Chip, Apr 30, 2016
  3. cryptic

    cryptic
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    Thanks for replying :slight_smile:

    I am definitely not asexual, I enjoy sex, masturbation and I often feel sexual attraction towards other girls. In fact, it's like the other way around - when I think about the kind of a relationship I want to have, the first thing that comes to my mind is that I want to have someone who is a friend that I'm physically attracted to and have sex with. I guess I don't feel the need to find a romantic partner, fall in love and settle for life. That's what got me wondering.

    Hope I didn't make things even more complicated :grin:
     
    #3 cryptic, Apr 30, 2016
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    So what you're describing is in the realm of the psychological rather than the physiological. It's also very common among LGBT people, and usually stems from an unconscious fear of emotional intimacy.

    You can get some insight into it by watching Brené Brown's three TED talks (they're all on Youtube) "The Power of Vulnerability", "The Price of Invulnerability", and "Listening to Shame". This is something you might want to consider talking to a therapist about, as I think it would help you better understand what's going on. I can say with nearly 100% confidence that this has little to nothing to do with sexual orientation.
     
    #4 Chip, Apr 30, 2016
  5. trebella

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    Or maybe it's, you know, nothing amiss at all and that's just who you are. You're the highest authority on your own feelings. There's nothing wrong with not having crushes. (To actually answer your question, all of my personal crushes have been very strong feelings and giddiness in addition to physical attraction.)
     
    #5 trebella, Apr 30, 2016
  6. Chip

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    Trebella makes a very good, and very valid, point.
     
    #6 Chip, Apr 30, 2016
  7. Linus

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    Aromantic is a slippery subject that is pretty hard to pin down. While I myself believe that there is very much a distinction between romantic an sexual orientation, I also believe that lacking romantic feelings can possibly spring from(like Chip said) an unconscious fear of emotional intimacy. So it leaves the question; is Aromantic an orientation or a mind state? Or both?

    Using Aromantic terminology, in your ideal relationship with a friend, your friend would be called your Squish, I believe.(i.e. friends with benefits) Don't ask me why, I didn't come up with the name. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: Supposedly that's pretty normal for those who claim to be Aromantic though.

    There are quite a few people who identify as Aromantic, actually; it's not that uncommon. It's also not that uncommon for those people to be alienated against, called antisocial, shallow, even so far as to be called sociopaths or psychopaths. That's really not it. At all.

    Your feelings(or lack of) are legitimate. There's nothing wrong with you. As I said before, Aromantic can be very difficult to figure out. You could go with gray for now.(As gray can mean any number of things in the middle or uncertainty. Personally I think of gray as being a pretty safe term to use.)
     
    #7 Linus, May 1, 2016
    Last edited: May 1, 2016
  8. tay98

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    i'm starting to think this about myself as well. i know exactly how you feel. the whole thing about wanting to be with someone who is your best friend who you can have sex with. I was talking to my friend about it and realised i have never felt that romantic attraction like she does. I just find it hard to understand what it's like to be romantically attracted to someone.
    You're not alone here :slight_smile:
     
    #8 tay98, May 5, 2016
  9. OutofZCloset

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    My best friend is Aromantic. Although she is straight. She loves having sex with men but just never wants to have a serious long term relationship with them. She actually enjoys being alone and having her own space. I don't think of her as any less intimate with me, her friend. I don't consider her shallow or anything like that. She just doesn't have emotional connections to people she is sexually attracted to. She was in a short term marriage and came away with a daughter from it. She did it because she was getting older and wanted yo have a kid. She's a great mom and has a great relationship with her daughter. She's just not interested in getting married or living with someone. She is happy about her life and that's what counts.
     
    #9 OutofZCloset, May 5, 2016
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