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Could I be a repressed Lesbian?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Emily Janina, May 1, 2016.

  1. Emily Janina

    Emily Janina Guest

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    So I've always assumed I was straight, never even once considering the possibility of kissing/being with someone female. However it has only recently occurred to me that I have never actually had a crush on a boy. Not even a male celebrity crush (although I often thought I did, when really, it was just me picking out guys I thought looked cool and aesthetically pleasing and making myself believe "that's my celebrity crush".)

    I have a sister who is two years older than me and a cousin who is just a year older than me - so our similar age difference allowed for us to get along really well as a group. But as those two are both female and definitely straight, I feel like when they reached the age they became utterly obsessed with boys, I might have ended up just agreeing with everything they said despite never understanding why they were so passionate when it came to that topic. I could understand when a guy is 'easy on the eyes' and agree that they're nice to look at - but it ended there, and to this day, it still does.

    I have never had a crush on anyone my age. I've experienced an infatuation with two (female) teachers, and then the rest are celebrities. I remember when I was quite young, I had a strong admiration for Jennifer Aniston after watching Friends. Then later it was Cheryl Cole. Then Jennifer Lawrence. At the moment it's still Jennifer Lawrence, but with the addition of Tina Fey, Kate Mckinnon and Brie Larson. I want to kiss those people's faces to death. I've never been this infatuated with guys.

    Simultaneously however, from the beginning I only masturbated to guys - usually one of the guys I 'told' myself I liked. But now I realize that I was never actually thinking about them, I was just paying attention the feelings of arousal. And as I -finished- an image of a female teacher I liked or female celebrity would pop in my head very briefly.
    It was a similar situation with porn. I watched straight porn and got aroused by it, but I think it was only for the sensation. (But I suppose that's the main goal of porn anyway, right? I mean none of the straight porn I watched was ever about connection and closeness.) And I have never watched lesbian porn because the very small clips I have come across strongly suggest that they were made for straight men.

    However - especially after watching Carol - instead of consciously placing some guy in my imagination, I tried consciously placing a woman there instead. And it was WAY more satisfying... and it still is. Ever since I started this, the idea of being with a guy has seemed strange. The image has just looks wonky. As if... if I held hands with a guy who I'd been dating for a while, he would still feel like a person I barely knew. In comparison, holding a woman's hand sounds very comforting.

    Speaking of holding hands, when I was 13 there was a boy in my year who said he fancied me, and wanted to "date" (I use quotation marks because of our age, of course) and I said yes because he was good-looking and was considered the 'alpha-male' of our year. I was a little curious, and my low self-esteem thought it would make me look good. I wanted to experience being appreciated, show others that I was desired by someone and feel included - not included specifically as a straight person, but just included in general. When it came to holding hands with him, it felt forced, and honestly, just a bit wrong. At the time it only registered as "this feels wrong because you've never held a boy's hand before" so I really truly believed that all I had to do was to get more experience until I was comfortable. We also kissed once. Just a simple peck. But I had my eyes open.

    I realize this all sounds like I'm definitely a lesbian. If anyone reading this is thinking "why would you think you are straight then?" It's because:

    1) The idea of sleeping with women sounds very strange and uncomfortable, despite masturbating to them constantly. Body parts that are exclusive to the female body have never been what draw me in. However, women's skin does have a certain glow about it that men's skin does not seem to translate to my brain.

    2) I don't seem to be able to look at attractive women and think "I'd hit that", or check them out in any way. The women I have mentioned above only became the subject of my infatuation once I'd witnessed their character/personality, heard their voice etc. If I imagine pleasuring a woman or spooning/being spooned by a woman, it is only these crushes.

    3) I would be a "femme who is into femmes" - is that normal? To me, short hair on a woman is a huge turn off and personally, I do not see the attraction to butch women at all (no disrespect - I'm aware there are a lot of women who are attracted women who represent themselves in that way, and there's nothing wrong with that :slight_smile: just not my thing.)

    Is it possible that I'm actually gay and I've just been repressed or something? Has anyone else experienced this? Thanks :slight_smile:
     
  2. Loppox

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    Hey there!

    Just so you know I am also questioning, but know deep down that I have feelings for woman. I have never ever had a crush on a guy. I thought I had a crush, but it was more of this admiration. I never had fantasies about doing anything to him. He was older and looked cool and I was a bit shy around him, so I thought it was a crush. All the girls had crushes, so I had to have one too right? I just picked one who I thought was good-looking. This was when I was 13, same age as you had that boyfriend lol.

    I thought that I was just a very picky straight, but anyways long story short I am also not straight ( I need to still get used to that idea). (in hindsight I never had a crush on guys and came to the realisation I was in love with my best friend (big shocker)). I am not gonna elaborate on my story anymore, this is about you, but I just want to share it to let you know you are not alone.

    just for answering your questions:

    1. Genitals are not that good-looking in general (imo, but some people like it). Heck, even straight woman do sometimes not like the look of a penis and vice versa. It is more about the feeling than the actual picture. and yea woman are soft <3.

    2. I think it's normal for woman to think that way. I hear a lot of woman say they can't instantly ''tap that''. (males it seems are more likely to think that). I for example, describe myself of a more of a sensual person than a sexual person. (i know immediately when I want to touch someone, but sex, idk, it takes a while. but most of the time it's with the person I am the most sensually attracted to)

    3. I am also a femme who is into femmes and that's normal :slight_smile: .

    For how long have you been questioning? Big chance you are gay, but it's up to you in the end.

    have a nice day :grin:

    And as for repressed, I think it's more of a ''discovering'' :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
    #2 Loppox, May 2, 2016
    Last edited: May 2, 2016
  3. analogue

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    As someone who has spent the past 8 months trying to figure out these exact feelings, I know where you are coming from. I can't guarantee anything, but with time and patience you may start to realize/accept it if you are gay. In the end, though, only you can define what you are or are not :slight_smile:

    I agree with Loppox above, its not so much 'repressed' as it is more of a 'discovering.'
     
  4. Emily Janina

    Emily Janina Guest

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    Thank you for this - I haven't told a single person about how I've been questioning myself so this reply is very comforting :slight_smile:

    I've been questioning for a few months (prompted by having a very unexpected fantasy involving just a woman,) and there was a very short period before that when I still assumed myself as straight but also thought "I suppose it could be possible that I could one day meet a woman and happen to be attracted to her. It could happen" but I didn't focus on it very much. Then I did :wink:

    Also I agree - everyone else had crushes, so I should have one too haha
     
  5. Rachyl

    Rachyl Guest

    From what you have said it sounds like you could possibly identify as a lesbian. It's normal to be femme and like femmes, nothing wrong with that at all. In regards to genitals, each person is different, so it's totally OK to not be interested in certain things.

    Just remember there is no time limit on finding out your sexual orientation. If you need to, spend as much time as you need learning and if your a lesbian, so be it.

    Hope this helps :slight_smile:
     
  6. Loppox

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    Haha, thank you :slight_smile:

    I'd say you just go with the flow and you'll see where it brings you. In the mean time you can just go on and on and on about fantasizing about woman ;p

    Also read a lot of stories on this forum, but I presume you already did that or are doing. I found them, and still find them, very comforting when in stress.
     
  7. caliwoman

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    OP, I'm in my 30's and married and feel like the list you wrote fits me exactly.

    I, too, am only into feminine women and I'm only attracted to women whose character/personality is intriguing to me. Seems to me that I'm only attracted to women whom I have an emotional connection to, and that is rare for me. It's only happened 3 times in my 30+ years.

    My fantasies with a woman are much different than with a man. I imagine holding them, softly kissing them, and having slow sensual sex with them. This is a far cry with what I want with my husband.

    I'm so lost, too. It really is confusing.

    If I'm bi or lesbian, wouldn't I be attracted to women in general? I'm still attracted to men in general. I can see a man in the store and think he's hot. It's not the same for women. I need that emotional connection, but once that connection is established, it's a million times deeper than what I'd ever feel for a man.
     
  8. OutofZCloset

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    Wow, your emotional connection thing is exactly like me. I never really had any sexual attractions to women until I had a very intimate emotional connection with them. That's why I thought I was straight for so many years. I could look at a hot looking guy and thought, "hey I could bang him" but I never had those same thoughts with women. Any sexual fantasies that I had about women were always in a more loving and passionate way. And then when I finnally had my same sex experience when I was 26 that passion exploded. Sex with a man paled in comparison. It was like night and day. Sex with a man felt more mechanical. Like a process. But when I had sex with a woman it was like I was lost in the experience....and lost in the moment. I didn't even know what I had been missing all those years. But as a result I could never go back and that ended my marriage to my husband. Be careful for what you wish for. There is no closing Pandora's box once it is opened. And I can tell you from experience its never a good thing for the man to allow his wife open that box. The guys for some reason are not threatened by another woman...but they should be. They don't realize the way women connect is emotionally and its not so much about the physical. Sure the sex far exceeds anything you could possibly get with a man but the emotional connection goes to depths you never thought possible. Sorry to say it didn't end so well for my husband. But that was 20 years ago. And I can say the longer you are away from men in your thoughts and the more you come to accept yourself you will find women to be sexy and attractive just by watching as well.
     
  9. caliwoman

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    OutofZCloset,

    Your post has really resonated with me. Especially the part when you mention that you can see a hot guy and think (or thought) to yourself, "I'd like to bang him."
    I mean...that's me. And you're right, the emotional depths when it comes to a woman are limitless.

    I have perused the romantic women-for-women section on craigslist, but nothing piques my interest...I assume it is because that emotional tether is obviously, absent. As you have mentioned in regards to your own marriage, half of the women on there are married and have there husband's approval. Alas, mine won't allow me to experiment with a woman. I doubt he ever will. This is a lose-lose for one of us. I don't want to hurt my husband, but one of us is going to end up completely unhappy. I've thought to myself a million times, "I don't want to hurt him."

    On craigslist, there are posts from the husbands of these women, asking to find a girlfriend for their wife. Other posts, the women are married and the husbands do not know.

    I'm so, so confused. If I had never met this woman, I wouldn't feel this way now. When she left our friendship, she took a piece of me with her- please excuses the dramatics- but it is nevertheless, the truth.

    What I want with a man pales in comparison to what I want with a woman.

    With my husband, with men in general, it's all about achieving an orgasm. There is no "making love" for me with men and in fact, the term disgusts me. I just want to climax. With a woman, however, with this last particular woman, I could envision a lifetime of making love to her. What I want, or wanted with her, is slow, sensual, and passionate.

    This is not so with a man, however, I'm not attracted to women in general...but once I feel emotionally connected, I'm head over heels in love. I've tried my hardest to get rid of my feelings. I didn't ask for this or want this, as my family would never approve of me dating a woman, but no matter what I do or tactics I try, these feelings are not going away.

     
    #9 caliwoman, May 3, 2016
    Last edited: May 3, 2016
  10. OutofZCloset

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    Just out of curiosity you were able to cum with your husband through regular intercourse? I was never able to pull that off. :slight_smile: Congrats if you were able to. :slight_smile: I did fake it a lot though.
     
  11. caliwoman

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    Yes, a few times, but not a lot. I can probably count those orgasms on one hand. LOL.

    I haven't even been able to get aroused during sex with my husband, not after meeting her.

     
  12. OutofZCloset

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    Well, that would be part of opening Pandora's box that I mentioned. The more you experience with a women the more you realize how incomplete your relationship is with your husband. And you'll eventually find out that the really important thing that is missing with your husband actually has nothing to do with sex but that is for a whole other in depth conversation. I do feel like I'm highjacking this thread. Sorry OP.:smilewave