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Straight and confused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by clipperzipper19, May 2, 2016.

  1. clipperzipper19

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    Hey guys! I hope everyone is well. I am hoping youse can give me advice!

    A bit of background, I am a woman in her mid 20's and have a very loving, understanding and generally awesome family and my group of friends are wonderful. Generally, I am a very happy person.

    For as long as I can remember, I have always liked men, always. I can still remember my crush from taekwondo class and the boy two years above me in school which I looked out for in the lunchhall everyday and would sit and look at his photo in the school album. Leonardo di Caprio and Orlando Bloom (especially as Legolas) were my dream men. I always fanatasied about men and got really shy around good looking guys or the ones I liked. I used to try and impress the older boys team when I was playing football.

    I have always crushed on men, I was crazy about guys in my teens and the first time I felt turned on was over a scene between a man and a woman in a book. I wanted him to do that to me. Whenever I have been turned on, it has been over a man. I love the way they are, the way they move, look, talk and how they smell and the best is when a man makes me laugh, its the best feeling in the world.

    I had two long term relationships through my teens so I never went on dates until I turned 20 as I was with my two boyfriends. I was head over heels for them, I literally would have done anything for them and I did do anything for them. One year when it was a really bad snowstorm, my boyfriend at the time and me had not seen each other in a while due to us being snowed in and no cars worked. I walked an hour and a half in the snow just to see him for an hour. Another time during the same winter, he wanted some food when I was round his, so I trekked to the shop through the snow and on the iced over pavements to get him some food, I wanted to make him happy.

    When we broke up, it took me a while to get over him. We had grown apart and I wasn't happy anymore. I lost myself making him happy, so when I started to find myself again, he didn't like it and tried to make me feel bad about myself so luckily I began finding myself and also started to love myself again enough to end something which was not good for me anymore.

    After we broke up, he broke my heart again by sleeping with my best friend so it took me longer to heal and I spent a lot of time on myself and the girl I lost making him happy came back again. I was confident, kind to myself, happy and the world was my oyster. I dreamed off meeting a guy and crushed on guys. Crushes came naturally and fast on guys, and I would go through periods when I had different types, sometimes I loved the rugged up guy with a beard, a gorgeous smile with tousled hair and other times I couldn't get enough of the Don Draper kind of men.


    About 2 and a half years ago, I had been feeling down and weird. I was worried that people thought I looked masculine as one of my friends treat me almost as her boyfriend, she was very dependent on me which I can't really handle. It made me feel weird, one day she grabbed my arm when she got scared when we were in London Dungeons and I wasn't comfortable her being dependent on me like that. Normally I shrug stuff like that off and forget about it but it made me anxious and I was already feeling bad with anxiety as it was. About a week later, I had an intrusive thought "What if I am gay? Thats why she is treating me like this?". This was the start of my anxiety of hell.

    I can't say that I have ever had a crush on a woman, I have always thought woman are beautiful and admired them but it never goes beyond that. They could not make me happy like a man can yet I have this worry "What if I am lying to myself or in denial and once I admit it to myself, I will start liking women that way?". I worry I won't be able to be happy with a guy again as I have these anxious worries in my head. I have tried fantasizing about women and I am first really anxious but then I feel nothing, I lose interest almost straight away. With guys, I can fantasies for hours and its still exciting. Yet this never feels like its enough, like my mind just keeps doubting and saying I'm lying to myself. If I was gay, I would have no problem with it or coming out, I am lucky that my parents are very cool and open about everything and many friends are gay/lesbian so I am not worried about my friends either. My cousin is a lesbian but she hasn't came out to the family but everyone knows and its no deal (its just like saying she has blonde hair), we just want her to be happy. When my anxiety was really bad, I was worried I was attracted to every women including my mum and my cousin which was awful.

    My head is so battered from years of anxiety and I don't know whats real or not. When I look at women now, I don't know if its because I am just looking, think shes pretty or I am attracted to her. I have read posts about HOCD before and its something I have been diganosed with (OCD not hocd, its just my current obsession and worry) but I want people to just give me advice on this as my mind is doubting everything, what they think it is. I have thought fine if I'm gay I'm gay lets give this a shot and been very open to the idea but it just bores me and feels alien to me, its not what I want and then I desire men later on again.

    I only ever crush and fantasizes, get turned on and desire men, yet when I worry that I like a woman, I feel like pressure down there and worry that that's sexual attraction rather than the mini orgasm feeling I get when I think of men. Sorry that this is so long and a lot of information but I just need advice. I hope I don't upset anyone but this is just my story.

    Thank you so much!
     
  2. Euler

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    There is no actual HOCD - there is just OCD which can manifest itself in many ways including obsessive thoughts about your sexual orientation. There is no separate condition classification for each different type of obsessive and intrusive thoughts people have.

    There is nothing that would to me tell that you are lesbian or even bisexual. I advice you to discuss about this to your physician who is treating you OCD.
     
  3. Loppox

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    You sound straight to me,

    As you say you can admire woman, but it never goes beyond that. You say you have always liked men, but worry about a possibility of ending up with a woman.

    You say you feel nothing when you fantasize about woman.

    You have been diagnosed with ocd. Hocd is like this form of ocd, it cannot exist without having ocd. I am not a psychiatrist/psychologist and cannot say for you if you have hocd or not. But it seems like that is the case.

    Maybe contact the therapist you have been in contact with when you were diagnosed with ocd? Or seek another form of that? just keep in mind: this is the internet.

    You have not upset anyone with this story, thanks for sharing :slight_smile: it's good to talk.

    Have a great day :slight_smile:



    ((I have like this reverse form: I know I like woman, but worry about the possibilty of ending up with a man. Not that I have a problem with that, but still, it's the thought that gives me anxiety. I have, however, not been diagnosed with ocd.))
     
  4. clipperzipper19

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    Hey guys!

    Thanks for your quick replies :grin:

    Yes I totally agree with the HOCD, it is all just OCD. This current obsession follows the same pattern as my other obsessions but when your anxious you forget that. Yes I will talk to her about it when I see her. My problem is that I am very impatient with getting better, if I am not better straight away, I think that there must be something else, like my fear is true rather than it all being part of recovery.

    Getting this out of my head onto paper(or screen) has really helped me actually this morning so thank you for taking time to reply back :slight_smile:

    Kind regards :slight_smile:
     
    #4 clipperzipper19, May 2, 2016
    Last edited: May 2, 2016