Attraction to older men from an early age and its effect on my childhood

So, I am a 21 year old gay man who is exclusively attracted to older men between the ages of 30-50 and I have been since early childhood.

Growing up, I was always attracted to my teachers and my friends’ dads. My first crush was on my 40 odd year old teacher when I was in reception at school (4 years old). I also remember being carried by a friend’s Dad around this age and actually getting a boner! It baffles me how all of this was active as such a young age and I feel like it really affected me growing up.

Firstly, I feel like it affected my relationship with my Dad. I never liked or valued him growing up and he used to annoy me. In part, this was because he isn’t a very nice man… He was angry, easily-stressed, critical and judgemental. Now that I’m older, I can see that he has extremely low self-esteem and he is very insecure and needy which I couldn’t see back then. But more significantly, as a kid, I always used to fantasize about having a handsome and strong man be my Dad, somebody that i was attracted to. So, I kind of disregarded my own Dad and sought approval from these other guys that I was attracted to… Maybe this was the only way I could see myself getting attention from an older man at that age, in a father-son relationship? I was jealous of my friends that had good looking and cool Dads that I fancied. I feel bad for being so shallow and ungrateful, holding my Dad to such high standards and being such a dick to him. He wasn’t the greatest Dad in the world, but he paid for everything I needed, took us on great holidays and did the best he could with the shit upbringing that he had (according to what my Mum has told me).

This is where it gets a bit weird… So, as well as not liking or valuing him very much, I also demonstrated a lot of regressive behaviours in my younger years around him. First of all, when I was around older guys that I was attracted to, I was a huge attention seeker and I would try to show them how 'cool and grown up' I was. On the contrary, I hated the idea of my Dad seeing me as ‘cool and grown up,’ so I used to sabotage my behaviour and try and come across as innocent. I felt inhibited and self-conscious around my Dad and really uncomfortable if he observed me behaving this way… Why?! Was I subconsciously afraid of attracting him like I was trying to do with these other guys? Obviously, the approval i was seeking with these guys never came because they weren't interested in me! Why couldn't I value my OWN Dad and seek his approval like everyone else does? Why did I have to deal with this?

I just feel like I had an unnatural childhood and I'm struggling to find any similar experiences or explanations online... I would really appreciate some insight or to hear about similar experiences. I’m contemplating speaking to a therapist about this.
Thanks