I hope it's alright if I spill my guys a bit, I don't really have anyone I can talk to about these kind of issues so in desperation I'm turning to the internet! I would really appreciate any input or advice you could give me. I'm 27 years old and have considered myself straight for as long as I can remember. When I was 19 I started to notice that when I would look at underwear packaging and see the male models, I would get just slightly aroused. At the time the thought ashamed me, and I pushed it to the back of my mind. Later on, I discovered gay porn, and while I couldn't get in to most of it, I would get excited by the more feminine guys, and transgender stuff. Anything super masculine turned me off instantly, facial hair, bald guys, excessive body hair, big muscles, all of that totally killed my arousal. Eventually when I was about 21 I told my ex that I might be curious about guys, she was really open minded and seemed fine with it, but she looked at me differently after that, I could tell, then our sex life crashed and we broke up. I started looking for people to meet online and found myself browsing Craigslist just for laughs. Most of the ads were disgusting, or cheating married men, but some seemed genuine and I talked to a few guys before finally meeting one. At this time I was sure I was straight and not questioning at all, but one night I met a guy, we hung out and just walked around and talked. We went to my place for a drink and talked until 2 or 3 am. He ended up giving me a massage, we both stripped to our underwear and while I was the bigger, more masculine guy and he was a total virgin, he ended up pressed against me, grinding with only underwear on as I arched my back to be closer to him, I still can't describe it, it was like my body was being animated by someone else. Eventually he told me that he didn't want to go any further because he was saving sex for someone he cared about, I hadn't even thought about sex yet, so that was fine with me. He left and afterwards I felt extreme guilt wash over me and I was disgusted. I deleted his contact information from my phone and though I eventually changed my mind and tried to find it again, I never was able to. Over the years since then, I've talked to a few other guys, but nothing came out of it. I dated girls and had a lot of great sex with women, but I found myself watching more and more gay porn and fantasizing about men to the point that it's unbearable. I can't help but wonder if it's just because I can't have them, or because I've never been with a man. I still don't find most men attractive, and I still can't stand overly masculine features. But some men, especially feminine men are a major turn on. I've been in a long term relationship with a woman for a couple of years now. She is great, and I love her, but I'm not very attracted to her. She's not unattractive, but shes not my type. If I'm going to end up with a woman, I want it to be her, because of her personality and our compatibility. However, my thoughts about men have only continued to increase, and it's difficult to deal with. I could never tell her, she's extremely conservative and would never accept that I may be curious it would be the end of us. However, I'm haunted by my thoughts, and I still think about the guy who I'll never be able to find. I don't know what my sexuality is, and I don't know what to do about all of this. It's really driving me crazy. Any input?
What if you are, hetero romantic and homo sexual / romantic? You seen to have real doubts about your current relationship But sure, but your unconscious may be telling you this relationship isn't right for you. Try to think of your ideal. Is she there anywhere? Wife/friend?
I really do like women, and I don't have problems enjoying sex with them. My current girlfriend isn't the best I've had, but I do care about her deeply. I'd be willing to give up other women for that kind of connection. The problem is that I've still got these thoughts about men, and they are becoming more and more frequent to the point where I hardly fantasize women anymore. Right now it seems that my thoughts turn to men or transgender people 80% of the time if not more. I try to break myself of it by swearing off homoerotic fantasies and images, but I keep coming back to it, and I often feel bad when I do. I'm not really sure what all of this means though.
If you're up to 80%, then your mind is trying to tell you something. The first problem we all face is accepting ourselves. I see you are 27 years old, which perhaps is a little later than average for your inner tension to be occurring. I remember being in middle school and high school, and being extremely worried that anyone would find out that I was attracted to males. However, I don't remember ever feeling like it was "wrong" or hating myself for it. What I hated was my inability to connect and be accepted for something I knew I had to keep secret. It's still a secret, and I share it with other people who understand. If you need outside advice, try a counselor who can help you to connect with the inner feelings that you have. The one person you have to live with 24/7 is yourself. Whatever problems you may have socially, forming a healthy self acceptance is the first step. The internet also will help you realize that your attractions are extremely common. Kinsey's data found that around one-third of males had achieved orgasm, after adolescence, with another male. If you think about what that means, you have a lot of company. The majority of those people were either just experimenting, or continue to repress it from outside view. You really don't have to "do" anything "about" the feelings you have, other than attempt to understand them and figure out how they are likely to fit into your future life. The right counselor could help with this.
Perhaps you're bisexual? Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't have to be an equal attraction to men and women (personally I'm probably about 60/40 in favour of women, but even if it's, say, 90/10 or even less it still counts). Like you, any of those things that you described as "super masculine", I don't find attractive either, I think it's more an issue of aesthetic preference than anything else. My (straight) female friends talk about this stuff sometimes and everyone has ideas of what they find attractive. Anyway, it honestly kind of sounds like internalised homophobia, which is a horrible thing to deal with. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not calling you homophobic AT ALL, I just mean that the norms of society teach you from birth what is right and wrong, and that becomes so ingrained that you that anything outside this sphere seems alien. I think a lot of people in our community have to cope with it, unfortunately. This is just what I'm getting from the parts about you feeling bad and guilty. It's nothing to be ashamed of, though. I guess it's just what feels natural to you, but it doesn't mean that your feelings for women are at all invalidated. It may not be something you hear about much, but straight and gay aren't the only sexualities out there. In the meantime, I wish you luck!
Thank you all for taking the time to help me out! I guess I could be bi, assuming that being uninterested in traditionally masculine features doesn't conflict with that. I also worry that I may be gay and just repressing it though, or that I'm straight and my mind is simply tormenting me. Even if I am bi, that still isn't much relief because these overwhelming desires just keep getting stronger. I don't find many men attractive, but I tend to be very attracted to the ones I do like. It's pretty much the opposite with women, I like most women and sometimes I'm very attracted to them, but lately I've been less sexually excited by them than I am by the few men I actually like.
No, I don't think it conflicts, really I think that it's about personal preference rather than being implicitly linked to sexual orientation. For example, there are plenty of straight girls and gay men who find very masculine-appearing men attractive, and many straight girls and gay men who are more attracted to men who look typically feminine. Personally, from an outsider's perspective, if you're attracted to both men and women then it sounds unlikely that you would be 100% straight or 100% gay. Another reason why I consider bisexuality (or pansexuality) to be possible in your case is because, when you're bisexual, your preferences can change. For example, say you're 15 when you start identifying as bisexual, and your preference is basically 50/50. Well, maybe when you're 25 it could be closer to 70/30, and when you're around 30 years old it might be 65/35, you see what I mean? I'm not saying that it's always like this for every bisexual person, but it's entirely possible and is maybe what you're experiencing if you feel more inclined towards men, but because you prefer a certain type of man then you don't feel attracted to them as commonly as you do to women? Maybe? It could also be that you find traditionally feminine features (as in facial features) more attractive then masculine facial features, which might explain why you are attracted to cis women more often than you are to cis men, however, you feel a deeper attraction to certain men with this certain look? Maybe that's also why you prefer transgendered people. I'm all talk and no solutions. I'm sorry! I don't know much about this sort of situation seeing as I'm too quiet and anti-social to actually date anybody myself. Perhaps you could just try talking to some more men? Not in a flirty way obviously, if you have a girlfriend, but it wouldn't hurt to try and figure out exactly what type of man you find attractive. Anyway, good luck! I hope that your partner will be accepting if you ever decide to mention it to her. Sometimes people can completely surprise you when you least expect it.
