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Is it mommy issues or am I bisexual? 33 yo married female lost and confused...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by caliwoman, May 3, 2016.

  1. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Female here, early 30's, married to a man for over a decade, but spent this last year and a half in love with a woman. An emotionally unavailable woman, like my mother.

    I'm so conflicted. Am I bisexual or confusing these intense, crush-like feelings, for something else? It's all interwoven, overlapping, and so dang confusing.

    I have a history of developing infatuations on women- usually 10 years older than me- whom I admire and want to be around because they seem smart, funny, cool, and most importantly, they seem "stronger" than me in some way and I really become attracted to that.

    Prior to this last woman, I've had two crushes on women, both of whom I had been friends with for at least 6 months. In both of those friendships, I desire a very deep and intense friendship that borders on the emotional characteristics of a romantic relationship. Then, I "test" these women to make sure they won't leave me. They both grew tired of the testing, left the friendship, and then spoke poorly about me after. They usually hate me. Sexual feelings for these two women were minimal and more of a passing curiosity.

    With this last woman, it's a bit different. I meet in her a professional setting and I feel like she takes good care of me. Although I'm ambivalent about her- she had scolded me at one point during our interaction- I leave her office thinking, "She'd be a good mom." And then, I fell head over heels.
    Longgggggggg story short, we agreed to a friendship. It was push-and-pull, hot and cold, and she keeps me at arms length. The feelings for her are overwhelming. I obsess over her and the friendship. During the friendship, I'm constantly anxious and paranoid, because I feel like I don't know where I stand with her. During our first dinner, she stares at my breasts. She stares at them so much, that I grow uncomfortable and put my arms up over my chest. Half way during our first dinner as friends, she stares again at my boobs and says, "You beat me." I reply, "Huh?"
    She says again, "You beat me" and points to her breasts. She's saying I have bigger breasts than her. I grow even more confused. Is she into me or just competitive? She had stared at my breasts and grazed them on occasion during our professional interaction. She's straight and married with a kid.

    During the friendship, we both try and control the other (she wanted interaction only when she said and I wanted more contact) and eventually she leaves the friendship after I cancel a hang-out on her. I'm heartbroken and still am. Although the friendship wasn't very long and she didn't play a huge factor in my life, she has left a void and I am so confused. I legitimately had sexual feelings for this woman and still do. I imagine kissing her and having slow, sensual sex with her.
    This is the polar opposite of what I want with a man.
    With a man, such as with my husband, I want sex rough and quick. It is not emotional or tender, it's all about achieving an orgasm. With the three women I've been attracted to, it is VERY emotional. It's soft and tender, two components I'd hate to share with a man.

    My husband is always asking to cuddle more, but it grows to be annoying. The idea of cuddling with one of these women I desire a close, intense friendship with, is very tempting to me.

    It's difficult for me, to have these intense, ambiguous friendships. I am very feminine, as are these women I have become attracted to; we all love make-up, shopping, getting our nails done and we're all involved with men. I become too afraid to share my feelings with these women because I'm too afraid of losing the friendship. Once I have that emotional connection with women, I become attracted and attached- attached to the point that letting go is physically painful. Once I feel "attached", it's similar to a love addiction.

    I, however, do not feel this way to all older, attractive moms. I have friends the exact age as the object of my affection, whom are attractive and good moms, but I don' t have that emotional connection to and thus, am not attracted to.

    Usually, I am very distant and cold in friendships. I've had women complain to me about how I don't open up, talk about myself, or are consistently there for them. I don't know why, but I just can't offer that, however, when I feel that emotional connection, it's like a needy, clingy, insecure, jealous version of me trots out and presents itself. I don't even like that version of me.

    My attraction to men is much different. I can see a man and think he's hot and sexual thoughts arise. For the most part, I don't even look at women, but when I admire one and that feeling of an emotional connection appears, I'm a goner. And those feelings are nearly impossible to control.

    Why can't I just have a decent friendship with these older women that I admire/become emotionally connected to? I've been married for over a decade and this is taking a toll on my marriage. I'm certainly not CHOOSING this, it's out of my hands. Sometimes, I wish I never met this last woman, because that's the first real time sincere thoughts of lesbian sex crossing my mind.

    Is it the mommy/attachment issues? Am I legit bisexual? Is it just a fantasy- I mean, I have a fantasy about my husband being with another woman and me watching, but it's just a fantasy and would never go down in reality- or do I really want to have sex with older women I admire?

    I'm so confused.

    And it's taking a toll on my marriage. My husband wants me to desire that deeply sensual, slow lovemaking experience with him, but alas, I only want it with her. I even hate the term "making love," it seemingly activates my gag reflex, but with her, I can imagine partaking in that experience of something other than just achieving an orgasm.

    I'm not attracted to any other woman, but once there is that spark of something emotional, I'm always attracted, I admire them, then the lines become blurred. This last woman, my desires began as merely wanting to hold her, then to kissing her, then more.

    I have now begun therapy over this and I've blocked the woman on facebook, because it pained me to see her profile and I would occasionally look at her pics.
    Sex with my husband is now dull and lifeless; last time he and I had sex, I blurted out, "Make me forget about her." He was able to orgasm, but was not pleased with what I said.

    I'm unsure if this is a passing fantasy based on how forbidden this is for me, or if this is the real deal. It's so hard for me because once it's emotional, I'm hooked.

    The odds of me finding a woman I'm emotionally connected to, attracted to, reciprocates my feelings and is willing to take it to a sexual level...well, it feels like finding a needle in a haystack.

    Ugh, I feel so lost...
     
  2. OutofZCloset

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    I'm not so sure you should be looking for that woman that would be willing to take it to the next level. I don't think you realize what all the ramifications could be. You've already experienced the first problem that I warn people about..."Sex with my husband is now dull and lifeless." Trust me it only gets worse from there. That is just the beginning. I honestly think you're gayer than you think. You're getting "lost" in a relationship with a woman that is why you are feeling that increadible pull and that feeling of being out of control. It's an overwhelming sense. That feeling is truly powerful and if you go down that path you would unlikely be able to control it. That doesn't usually end well for the marriage. So be careful what you wish for. And if your husband thinks its ok for you to just "dabble"...I'll tell you now from experience that's gonna be the worst decision he ever made.
     
  3. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    OMG, yes! I do feel so out of control. I'm trying to stop it, but I can't. This has resulted in anxiety/panic attacks because I hate that out of control feeling.

    You're the first one to mention that.

    In another thread you mentioned that I'm missing something in my marriage. I'm assuming you mean that emotional part? I question whether or not a man could provide that, or is it only women?

    Did your husband (at the time) allow you to experiment w/women? Did you try and deny your attraction (towards women) initially?

    I'm sorry for all of the questions. I can only talk to my therapist about this, as I don't trust anyone else.

    I watched Carol today, the film with Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara. I had to turn away during the sex scenes because it made me really want that. I've watched some lesbian porn but it doesn't really do anything for me, since it's not emotional and tender like I desire it to be. Rough/quick sex only appeals to me if it's a man.

    I don't think there is any turning back from this. I just can't control it and the more I do, the worse it gets.

    What was your first experience w/a woman, like? Was it all you thought it would be? I'm curious and it's impacting my marriage. I don't know if I can "fake" it with my husband. I mean, I love him, but after this woman, it's just not the same...
     
    #3 caliwoman, May 4, 2016
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  4. OutofZCloset

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    Gosh...where do I begin. I can't say what you're missing in your marriage just what I noticed in mine. Everyone is different and has a different relationship with their husband. But let me explain to you my story. Its a little long so bear with me.

    I never really had any same sex attractions to women when I was young. The only time I ever really noticed any attraction to a woman was a friend (out lesbian) in college. But I was with a boyfriend (whom I eventually married) at the time and I never let it go anywhere but there was definately a sexual attraction the more I got to know her. I dated him all through college and then we married when I was 24. I told my husband before we married of my very strong intense attraction to that girl and I was worried about that becoming an issue down the line because we were still very young. He said not to worry about it that if the issue did arise we would work out an "arrangement". He never said what that arrangment would be and we both joked about the possiblities. We were happily married for 2 years and the sex was fine. I enjoyed it. Then along came an old friend, Lori. I had known her back in Middle school and she looked me up because she thought I would turn out gay. We were very close back then but I don't remember anything physical between us. So she entered my life when I was 26 and immediately came out to me. I immediately told her about my same sex attraction and the intensity i felt. We spent hours talking that night. I went home to my husband and told him of Lori, that she was a lesbian and that we talked about me questioning my orientation. He was very positive and told me to explore my feelings and what it all ment. So Lori and I met up and talked at great lengths about everything and I noticed the closer we got and the more we shared the more attracted to her I was. This started developing over a couple of months. I then told my husband that i was sexually attracted to her. He said if she was willing to go ahead and kiss her to see what that felt like. I do have the ability to separate sex from my emotions so I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. But what I didn't realize is that I can separate them when I was dealing with men because the sex with a man was not that emotional for me to begin with. It was just a quick physical act. But not so with women I couldn't do that. So when I kissed Lori for the first time....OMG....it was intense...incredible...everything that people describe as a passionate kiss to be. I honestly never experienced that with any man before. I then went home to my husband and told me of the experience. He was a little shocked that I felt such and intensity but didn't want me to hold back or stop. He and I had sex that night and I must admit it was better than it had been in a long time. I think becuase I was so sexually frustrated and thinking of Lori. This continued for two months. Lori would never do anything more than kiss because I was married. The longer this went on and the more emotionally I connected with her the more I began to feel I was cheating on her and not him. Also, i no longer felt anything when I would be with him. It was shallow and empty. He began to notice this and eventually told me to have sex with her and find out what I was ultimately looking for. Now by this point I was probably in love with her because the entire situation was always very intense between the two of us. He actually wrote her an email to go ahead and be with me and that it was okay. So we did...we went to Vegas for the weekend. The experience was so different than being with a man. It was truly making love. It was slower, more passionate, more intense in every way. I came more times that weekend than I think I ever came with my husband after being with him for 8 years. It was truly mind blowing sex and the first time I had experienced that in my life. It was a lost in the moment kind of sex. It was sensual and passionate. It was intimate and personal. It was caring and thoughtful. It was everything. I wasn't nerveous or scared. I felt alive for the first time. That Sunday morning when we were packing up to come home I told her that I was going to be leaving my husband. And then she freaked out. She didnt want to be the cause of my divorce. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't just about the sex or just about her even. It was the whole experience of the last four months. The depth of the relationship, the intimacy, the level of intensity with a person that I've never felt before, the dynamic of two women in a romantic relationship, and of course the mind blowing sex. But still she didn't want to be the cause. She was very quite on the ride home and she barely spoke to me. When she got out of the car she told me again she didnt want to be the cause of my divorce. I never saw her again after that. She emailed me and told me to not call her or to not try to make any contact with her as she didn't want to be apart of this any longer. That was 20 years ago. After great thought and contemplation I left my husband three weeks later. It was an incredibly difficult experience and very depressing time in my life. There were many times I doubted what I was doing. I left on the chance that I could duplicate what I had with her and that was a huge leap. All I knew was that I needed that intensity and emotional depth to my partner and I never had that with my husband. I went into a depression because my entire family loved my husband and we shared a lot of the same friends. I couldn't talk to anybody and if I did they thought I was crazy or having a midlife crisis. After I started getting my life back in order I started making an effort to meet women. To be honest it didn't go well. I called it speed dating. I would meet up with a lesbian and If it didn't click I would just move on. I did that for about six month and I met up with probably 30 women of various types because I didn't know what my type of woman was. I even began to think I was wrong and maybe I was straight after all. But then I met this one girl who would later become my wife. We talked and talked and it just felt right. In that six months before her I barely even kissed a girl but after talking with her for just a few days that intensity was back. That longing and desire to kiss her and make love to her was so intense and could barely stand it. We saw each other every day over the first two weeks. I kissed her on day three and by day 10 we made love for the first time. Yes it was everything I thought it would be, everything that I had hoped it would be and everything I was looking for. Although it was a slip of the tongue I told her I loved her after that experience. I was nerveous after it slipped out and couldn't believe I had said it. I had only known her for 10 days. But it felt so right. Lucky for me she was the one. We eventually moved in together and we eventually married when it became legal in California. We just celebrated our 20th anniversary in March. We have a beautiful 14 year old daughter together. We are out and proud to everyone we know. I hated what I did to my husband but I don't regret it. I love my life and wouldn't trade it for the world. That passion and intesity is still there and I still love making love to my wife even 20 years later. I've never faked it with her and i would never have to.
     
  5. OutofZCloset

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    After reading through this there is one thing that did not come across particularly well and that is how much I truly loved my husband. I really did. He was my best friend. I shared everything with him. As you can tell, I told him what I was feeling every step of the way. He was truly thoughtful and caring. He didn't deserve any of what I put him through. It was killing me what I was putting him through. And the decision to leave was not an easy one. Loosing that friendship left me in a terrible place and I have never been in a more lonely place then after I left him. We talked so often even after I left. He pleaded for me to come back and in a state of weaknesses I did spend one night with him a few months later. But all that did was reinforce the reason that I left. There was something huge missing in our intimacy. It wasn't all encompassing. I loved him with everything I could for a man but I was gay. That is what kept me from reaching my full potential with him. That all encompassing crazy blind in love feeling l couldn't get with a man. That is why my two most intense passionate relationships were with women. I didn't just love them. I was completely and utterly lost with them. It's a powerful feeling that I couldn't control and it is a little scarey as I felt so powerless to fight it. It made me feel so vulnerable to them because there wasn't anything that I wouldn't do for that love. That to me was the difference. That was the difference for me between being in love and just loving someone.
     
  6. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    OutofZCloset,

    Your posts have been unsettling to me in the way of reality hitting me more and more about what this is and what I'm feeling. What you write...what you describe...well- it sounds like me (although I've never been w/a woman).

    I will post more later, it's just a little overwhelming for me and I had to read your posts in segments because of it. I do thank you for your honesty and really appreciate the time you've spent in writing about yourself. It does help and it is very insightful as well as eye-opening.

    I will post more later, when I feel a bit better. Thank you again.
     
  7. OutofZCloset

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    I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you. :frowning2:
     
  8. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    No, no, don't be sorry at all. I really appreciate and enjoyed what you wrote. It was very heart-felt and sincere. It's just...I think this is something I've been fighting for a long, long time. I struggle with labeling what I feel for women, because that attraction to women just isn't the same as it is to men, but when it is there, it is much deeper.

    May I ask, how did things end up for your ex-husband? Was your divorce, amicable?
    What ever happened to your friend Lori?
     
  9. OutofZCloset

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    I tried to stay friends with him but it was honestly just too painful....probably more for him so I had to stop allowing the daily communication. I can't tell you how difficult it was. Even when I was dating women I wanted to call him and tell him how it went. But of course I couldn't do that. The divorce was very amicable because I simply left him everything...which I'm sure was done out of guilt. I had a very high paying job at that time and I was worried that if it got ugly he would ask for spousal support. I left him the house I paid for and I continued to pay the house payment for the next year along with other things I'm embarrassed to admit. :slight_smile: But that did make it easier when it came time for him to sign divorce papers. I actually was already with Ruth when I filed for divorce which was incredibly awkward for her. I can't remember why I didn't do it sooner....it was 20 years ago. He and I have talked briefly on occasion and he still has contact with my parents a little bit. But we do not have a friendship anymore.

    As far as Lori, even though she told me to leave her alone I made several attempts to get back in touch with her that was probably along the lines of stalking. :slight_smile: A friend of hers called me and told me to stop and I did. It was difficult. I missed her a lot and was all alone and had nobody to talk to at the time. I didn't know any other gay people that well at the time.

    I did get in touch with her many years later and found out that she married a woman who's a police officer and they have 4 kids together. They have also been together for about 20 years. I appologized for putting her in the middle of my marriage and thanked her for helping to figure out who I really was. She was pleasant about it but she was not ready to rekindle any kind of friendship and I never pushed it. So unfortuately we do not talk anymore.

    ---------- Post added 5th May 2016 at 01:30 PM ----------

    As you can tell I left a lot of devistation in my wake of coming out. I also lost a lot of friends in the process. When I moved out of the house when I left my husband I moved in with a single friend. I did tell her about Lori and why I left. She also knew that I went out with women but I never saw anybody more than once and I never brought anyone home. As soon as I met my wife, Ruth, and I knew that we were going to get into a serious relationship I told my roommate. But then she went all religious on me and kicked me out. I moved in with Ruth for a couple of days until I could find my own apartment. Around that time I also came out to my parents and told them that I was in a same sex relationship. That went over like a ton of bricks and my parents have never been the same with me. Our relationship is not as strained as it was 20 years ago but its still not the greatest. My dad has had the hardest time with it. The rest of my extended family was actually pretty good and my grandma was fantastic. As far as other friends I kind of distanced myself from them because I was still dealing with my own internal homophobia. I didn't know what to say to them. Most of my friends had always know me with Luis and he was such a great guy I was just the woman who cheated on him and then left. So I lost most of them in the divorce as well. He even got my dog because I moved into an apartment that wouldn't allow pets. It was an ugly time let me tell you. That is why I started to have my doubts about what the hell I was doing. So the happy ending did happen but let me tell you the cost was HUGE. The pain and missery was at depths I have never felt since and can't imagine ever going through again. I lost everything...friends, family, house, pets, everything and then had to rebuild my life in the hope that what I was looking for actually existed. I'm so lucky that it did and it made it all worth it.
     
  10. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Wow, that doesn't sound like it was an easy road for you to take at all. My marriage is much similar to yours in that my husband is my best friend and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. Only thing is, when these feelings come around- and they don't come around often- I can't control them. As you say, I'm lost in the experience.

    Are you still attracted to men or has that vanished?

    Would these feelings ever been something you could have controlled? Lets say you chose to try and stay with your husband for a bit longer...would you have been able to control those impulses/urges/feelings towards women or would it have always been overwhelming?
    Knowing the strong pull that one experiences towards women, would you think it's something that can be controlled?

    I just wonder if I can control this if I don't meet or runaway from new women.
     
    #10 caliwoman, May 5, 2016
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  11. OutofZCloset

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    Well, I can look at a man and say to myself, "He's pretty hot... I could bang him". But to be honest he has to pretty young and good looking for me to think that now-a-days. My interest in men has definitely diminished and if I was going to cheat on my wife it certainly wouldn’t be with a man.

    As far as controlling those feeling. Well all I could say is that I wasn't able to. Could I do it today? probably. But because that would mean I'm cheating on my wife and I just don't ever see that happening. But if I was still married to Luis....yeah I would have cheated on him a few times by now. (I'm just being honest) I couldn't resist the compulsion.

    You also have to understand I was a lot younger. I was 26 and even though I had been with Luis for 8 years we had only been married for 2. I thought to myself, If I stay some other girl Is gonna eventually come along and instead of doing this in my mid 20's maybe I'm doing in my 30's or 40's. I wanted to have the opportunity to experience a full complete life with a wife and have children. I didn't have any kids with Luis. If I was gonna go out and find a wife it was much easier to do it while I was young at a time when the dating pool was larger with less baggage. The older you get the more baggage everyone has. These were all the things I contemplated during that three weeks before I left. Yes I realized I was taking a HUGE risk. And I weighed those risks VS the rewards. If I was wrong than I just lost the greatest guy I could ever find. But if I was right....and that was a big if....than I could experience something so amazing and complete like you see in the movies. But let me tell you during that 6 months I was getting really nerveous. I'm a super picky person. I'm not the hottest chick around and my attractions to women only happened once i got to know them. So I just looked for women met my strict qualifications. Educated, funny, whitty, and a great conversationalist. As soon as I found that in Ruth we just sat around and talked. And talked. And we went shopping.....and we talked some more ... and I started flirting with her and she would flirt back but then play hard to get. She was so cute and funny and then she would be flirtatious and then I would play hard to get . It just kept building. No I didn't want it to stop and that was before we ever kissed. I swear I met her and never went home. I met her on a Friday and then I played hooky from work on Monday. I never did that. I was a high powered workaholic. So for me to not go in to work was Huge especially considering Mondays was for meetings. Then I barely made an appearance on Tuesday or really for the rest of the week for that matter. So No I couldn't control it. I fell for her hard. I didn't want her to get away. I wined and dined her like nobody's business. But this was just me. And she just happened to be my perfect fit and I knew it right away.
     
    #11 OutofZCloset, May 5, 2016
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  12. OutofZCloset

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    You also mentioned before that you look on Craigslist personals and everbody is always after sex. Try looking in the strictly platonic section and you might find more lesbian friend based ads.
     
  13. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Good idea :slight_smile:

    I've scanned the "casual sex" section on craigslist and yes, it just doesn't appeal to me. I'm not sure why I'm looking on there, as I don't think this is something I can force, because I need that emotional part and I'm still heartbroken over the last woman :frowning2:
     
  14. OutofZCloset

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    They have a "casual sex" section? Is that legal? Do people actually do that? :slight_smile: ....ok ....everybody's got their thing. I'm not judging. :slight_smile: I just could never do that because I would be so afraid of STD's. Lol
     
  15. caliwoman

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    Out,

    Again, sorry for all of the questions, but the first time when you had sex w/your friend Lori, was it difficult? I mean, to technically go through the act? Or even when you kissed her?

    I've had two close experiences with women and my defenses went up, big time. I don't think I could have gone through with it at the time, but maybe that's because I viewed it as being "wrong" because of the way I was brought up and of course, religion played a factor into it. Now, I think this is something I want with the right woman (with that emotional connection), but I wonder if my defenses would go up again and if I'd run away from the situation.
     
  16. OutofZCloset

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    You've got to understand we were making out for about two months before and feeling each other up (not to get too graphic) so by the time it actually came down to the "act" I was very comfortable with her body. I've "diddled" my own bits before so its not like it was a foreign concept. Yes going down on her was a little strange at first but it was right after one of our many showers and honestly I didn't think I was any more nerveous than giving a guy a blow job for the first time. It just took getting use to the process. But I was able to make her cum. She did say that she was surprised that I was able to do that so easily on our first sexual experience. She wasn't expecting it from me. But I was so caught up in the moment of everything it was just the next progression in the experience. I mean, we spent like the whole weekend in bed. I don't think we ever left the room to even eat. I remember room service at least three times. So yes, fruit, pudding and other edible items were also included in the overall experience. :slight_smile: Honestly I think you'll be fine when it comes right down to it. Once you can accept yourself as gay then a lot of those defenses fall away. Most of it is just mental. When I was doing the physical act and getting lost in the moment I wasn't really thinking about all the things that I do when I'm with men (taxes, did I feed the dog). For me it was a very passionate experience. It wasn't like it was with men. Don't get me wrong it wasn't all slow and steady. We had some pretty quick and lustful moments as well. Remember, we had all weekend. :slight_smile:

    For you I would suggest really getting to know the girl. Then just make out for several dates. No reason to rush it. Let it build. Remember it doesn't have to always be a quickie. And my wife and I fool around all the time without the intention of having to climax. To me the whole lesbian experience is very different than the goal oriented sex with men. As far as my first kiss with Lori. Hell no...it was not difficult. By the time I got "permission" to kiss her I was dying to kiss her every time I was with her. The sexual tension in the room was thick. I think all these things were helped by the fact that I had to wait as long as I did.

    ---------- Post added 6th May 2016 at 11:32 AM ----------

    Did you ever check out those Craigslist ads?
     
  17. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Yes, I did; I didn't reply to any. None caught my attention. There wasn't anyone who really caught my attention and then I'm cautious because I fear my defenses will go up, like they always have.

    The friendships I have with these women, where I become attracted, are intense and ambiguous. I can't tell if they have the same feelings for me that I have for them. We always have men in our lives, such as boyfriends (then) and being married (now).

    I just don't know if this is going to happen :frowning2:

    I, too, am extremely picky. To find a woman that I feel that emotional connection to, am attracted to/have that "spark" with, who will reciprocate my feelings, and is willing to take it to a sexual level- well, that feels nearly impossible.

    What you described in one of your earlier posts about the passionate sex and all that it meant to you...that's what I want. That's what I thought I had with my husband.
    But, after meeting this last woman who broke my heart into a million pieces, I now firmly believe that my marriage is lacking that certain something and maybe, just maybe, I could feel that for a woman.

    ---------- Post added 6th May 2016 at 01:36 PM ----------

    My husband let me talk about "her" last night during sex. I was actually able to open up about exactly what my fantasy was pertaining to her. I was able to orgasm very intensely, but was afraid that it would strengthen my feelings for her (by being able to cum). It didn't strengthen the feelings, thank goodness...but it made me want "that" in general.

    For a while, the fantasy of being with a woman didn't overwhelm me, but now I find that I want to talk about it more with him. I fear it's going to get to the point where it's all I want to talk about, or it's the only way I'm able to cum. And that isn't going to make the husband happy.
     
    #17 caliwoman, May 6, 2016
    Last edited: May 6, 2016
  18. OutofZCloset

    Regular Member

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    You and I actually sound very similar in our attractions to women. Which is scarey because you really have to know someone before you feel "it". I had serious doubts after I left Luis thinking I had made a mistake. You never know. Finding that particular person who clicks with you is so hard to find. But like me you have had this happen more than once. I had a girl in college and then Lori. So I went for it in the hopes that it wasn't a fluke. But I'll tell you the price for what I did was HUGE. And I could have been wrong. So don't rush into anything. Nothing has to happen over night. Take it slow. Let life happen. And remember for me it wasn't just about the sex. I truly enjoy the dynamic of living my life with a woman. The relationship is very different with a woman. I feel so much more complete in "life". Its a true partnership for me in every sense of the word. It's a lot deeper than I ever thought a relationship could be.
     
  19. OutofZCloset

    Regular Member

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    I don't see what the problem is if you talk about her...if it works for you and he's ok with it so far. I would think eventually your feelings for her would diminish. Why not try and emulate what you're looking for in her with your husband? If you are looking for slower more passionate sex try that with him. I actually did try that with my husband in a way and I was definately better. I had him make love to me without the penis being involved for the night. It was definately a different experience and I really enjoyed it... and it was one of the few times I was actually able to cum with him. The only problem was we talked about the experience afterwards and he felt it was an attack on his manhood. When in all honestly that wasn't it. I was just looking for a more passionate experience. We ended up getting into an argument but if I could do it all over again I might leave out the discussion afterwards and just enjoyed the better sex. :slight_smile: Just a thought.
     
  20. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

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    Out,

    Thank you for your suggestion. Yes, that has crossed my mind. It's just that when the last woman left, she took something with her. There is a void in me that I never knew was there and no matter what I do or try, I just can't get it back.

    Female friends have always broken my heart much more than any male could. When I meet a woman and share that emotional connection, it's out of this world. I can't explain it. I try and control it, but can't. The depths of the emotions and feelings have always been lacking when it comes to men. I wish I could control it, but as hard as I try, I fail
    I fall in love with the women I become emotionally connected to and I don't act like their friend, I act like a jealous lover. I don't behave that way with men.

    Last time this happened, I was 18 years old and I had my heart broken. I decided, never again, to engage in a female friendship with that connection. And then, boom! I met her. I didn't even know it was happening. When I realized what it was, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

    When you get a glimpse of a connection much more fulfilling, how do you go back to anything but? I want to. The easiest thing would be to sweep this under the rug like I have before, but I'm finding it nearly impossible.