I've been talking about this subject maybe a bit too much lately, but I've been just been looking back at whatever the hell this "relationship" I had with a guy. I mean, I keep thinking to myself it seemed borderline romantic coupled with some platonic(friendship) feelings. I mean, I'm talking about this friendship I had with this guy named Edmond I've talked about a lot here. We parted ways recently though it was both something we agreed due to a variety of things that happened in our lives. It seemed romantic because he seemed so inviting, he seemed like the guy of my dreams. And he seemed to treat me out whenever he and I went out, everything was on him. So it had that romantic vibe slightly you can say. I just felt somewhat "feminized"(I'm not transgendered I'm speaking in a social construct of femininity) because someone older than me felt like some masculine role. I mean, it's confusing to explain. Anyway, I did have a feel "sexual fantasies" about him here and there(I am bi but I somewhat lean more towards guys I seem now). When we were drunk, he did say I was his "best friend" and he loved me. He was aware that I'm bi and was cool with it. But I felt that he seemed maybe was bi or maybe bi leaning because of the following: he and I kissed twice while drunk; he made a homoerotic innuendo when he at first said he and I had attempted to have sex while drunk one time. I thought he was serious then I asked him again, he said he was joking. I mean, what the fuck. I mean he was quite descriptive on the apparent "sex" we had. I mean, Edmond is mostly straight but what straight guy would spin a homoerotic tale of having sex with another guy or attempted to to have sex. I don't know if he knew I "had feelings" for him because he texted one time, "[my name], how you long to hang out with me. You are in love." I mean, I know he joked a bit when he and I had hanged out. But it was ironic and funny he texted me that. I mean as I look back, did he know that I had feelings for him. Or did he just send that and it was a giant coincidence. In regards to the platonic feelings: I just see him as this 20-something, preppy, masculine guy. A guy I can relate to in terms of somethings we have in common. I saw him as a "mirror" to me. If anyone knows my past, you know what that means. I just saw him as a reflection of myself(minus color and class). He seemed to be the guy I loved and hated but got along with you can say. It's hard to figure if I saw him as a friend or lover or a mash up of the two. I just felt like I was in a 3 month relationship with the guy because I seem to so emotionally attached to the whole subject.
