17 year old, Female from the UK. I had never questioned my sexuality at all until I had a massive realization last night. Since that, it's all I've had on my mind. I've grown up assuming I was straight. I've been sexually.. active, with a few guys. I'm a virgin though. However, I've never liked the idea of sex. It's never appealed to me. I like oral, but I don't see the point in sex when I can have fun and orgasm without it.. Ever since I started watching porn and masturbating, I soon realised I'd always watch Lesbian/Threesome porn. I always somehow justified it in my head as I was still completely straight. And even then, I'd skip the scenes that were purely sex based. I'd only watch the foreplay. After the amount of girls I thought was hot, it became obvious to me that maybe I'm bisexual. I've never fancied the idea of having a romantic relationship with a girl though. I don't really enjoy the company of girls that much. I just like the idea of having sex with them. I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now. We've done sexual things, and I'm constantly being bullied for not having sex with him yet.. I struggle to kiss him. I'm happy with oral, but casually kissing him on an everyday basis never even crosses my mind. I love him, I love being with him and I care about him, but I've never thought during oral 'lets have sex now'. I don't like the idea of sex. I don't think it's appealing to have a massive dong shoved INSIDE of me.. I've never even liked the idea of being fingered either. I do however, still want to have sex one day. I want to experience it, and I do want to have kids. This lead to finding out about the ASexual Spectrum. I know I can't be completely ASexual, because I do enjoy sexual things. I'm not sure if experiencing sexual attraction means you have to experience 'wanting to fuck someone', but I feel like in general even wanting to do any kind of sexual activity counts as sexual attraction. This lead me to believe that maybe I could be Demisexual. Or just in some kind of Grey area. I chose the word demisexual because I personally thought it kindof fit me, and it was easier to explain rather than saying I was in a grey area of asexuality and then having to explain all of my individual preferences. However, then my friend told me she thought the way I was feeling sounded a lot like a Biromantic Homosexual. This doesn't quite fit me either, because I wouldn't date a girl.. After a tonne of research I ended up concluding I'm maybe a Heteroromantic Demibisexual. The Heteroromantic part, because I only date guys. The Demibisexual because I feel as though I am bisexual sexually, however I'm still on the asexual spectrum. But I feel like both of those words 'Demibisexual' contradicts itself and doesn't fully make sense in my circumstances. Because demisexuals can usually only experience sexual attraction once they've formed a deep romantic bond, however, seeing as I wouldn't want to date a girl, I wouldn't really be able to develop a deep enough bond to have sexual attraction towards her..theoretically. I personally feel as though I could have sex with a girl I didn't even know very well. I feel as though I'm still somewhat demisexual because of how I feel towards boys. Which is my preferred dating gender. But I'm not sure if the label Demibisexual can really apply to me?? I don't want labels just for the sake of labels. But I'm one of those people who just likes to know exactly what they are. It makes life easier when explaining what I am to people, and also finding others in the same situation as I am. I've told my boyfriend how I feel, and so far he understands and we've worked everything out. I don't care about telling people. It's not really a 'coming out problem', I'm having. I just don't want to 'come out' until I have a label that I'm personally happy and content with. If anyone feels the same or knows what it is that I'm feeling please respond! Thankyou! <3 p.s- I'm sorry if my terminology or definitions are wrong, I'm new to any kind of LGBT and I don't know how to.. describe things without offending someone somewhere!
Wow I can relate to pretty much everything you're saying. I'm bisexual but I hate the idea of penetrative sex :/ also I only ever see guys as friends and only get romantically at attached to girls which led me to worry I was being homophobic... I also get what you mean about labels - obviously it sounds silly but It helps to think about these things I think. Anyway if you wanna talk then hmu
Here's the thing: Oral sex is still sex. Anal sex is still sex. Manual sex is still sex. And I personally don't consider anyone a virgin anymore if they've done any of that, but It's my opinion. There are straight girls who don't like penis in vagina sex, but they still have sex and are just as sexual as anyone else. Also statistically, speaking, women don't get as much pleasure from penetration (physically speaking) than from oral because of the anatomy of the vagina. Limiting the definition of sex to penetration is kind of limited and misogynistic in my opinion, but It's sadly a part of our culture. Many more people would be free and more confident in their own labels if we just got rid of that garbage. I think labeling one's self as asexual or demisexual because they don't like being penetrated is misleading. What about lesbians? Do we not exist? Are we all asexual? Are we all virgins? It sounds like you do love sex with men, just a different type of sex. It's like saying that I don't like eating fruit because I love oranges, strawberries, and pineapples, but not apples. People might think of "apples" when they think of fruit, but disliking them doesn't make me less of a fruit lover.
I wouldn't get into the romantic break down. **this is just my opinion** If you enjoy sex with men whether that is oral, anal, penetrative, and other sexual related stuff sex. I would just say Bisexual. If you have more of a draw to women than men but still date men/enjoy being sexual with them than I would still adhere to bisexual. You can love someone, want to give them the best, and want to be a support system without that affecting your sexual identity. I just never understood the romantic breakdown because if you have guy friends and female friends you are always going to have deep feelings for them whether sexually into them or not. Why? because they over time become part of your family and your support system. Only natural to have feeling that could look romantic but are not. In addition there are a lot of heterosexual and homosexual men and woman that watch porn that do not align with reality of what they truly enjoy. There are lesbians that watch porn where a man and woman are going at it and it turns them on. It's just fantasy. There are woman out there that need oral sex before penetrative sex. There are heterosexual men and woman who love oral way more than penetration. There are men that love anal sex doesn't mean they would love anal sex with men in reality. There could be a variety of reasons why you are not interested in penetrative sex at the moment without it eluding to you being homosexual/bisexual/whatever label you chose. I would just keep living your life, follow your heart, don't be bully into having sex when you are not ready. In addition, you may not have a strong enough emotional connection/you may not like this person enough to give up your 'virginity'. Yes I believe oral & anal is sex. But, I think virginity can be a concept that depends on the situation. Virginity for a person of heterosexual nature is different from someone who is homosexual. At the end of the day I can't tell you what your sexuality is... but if I could go back to myself at 17 I would honestly tell myself to not have sex until 22. I didn't fully understand the position I was putting myself into having sex with a person. I honestly would tell any 17 year old (male or female) to wait until their early 20's. I think so much different now than I did in my teens. Best of luck and you will always be discovering yourself. I think everyone questions there sexuality at least once in their life.
