Hi, I am a 23 year old male and I am feeling very conflicted about my sexuality. Over the last 5 years or so I have sort of ignored this conflict but as I have got older it is becoming a bigger and bigger elephant in the room. When I was 16 i considered myself straight, although I don’t think I ever really felt sexually attracted to girls around me - i used to jack off to straight porn and i guess in my head i consider being straight normal; A: Because it’s more common and B: I’m an atheist and from a science perspective homosexuals don’t really make sense. Now i never pursued girls and I used to tell myself it was because I was shy and i think i was a late bloomer sexually. So the years went by and i didn’t really do anything about it, I was never depressed or particularly upset about not having what i would consider a normal sex drive for someone of that age as I know everyone is different so i told myself - “give it a few years, it will kick in and it will all work out”. Now as a person i would say i am pretty unique (and i don’t mean that in a big headed way) i just find myself thinking different to others and felt I was more mature mentally than my peers. Now from ages of 19-21 i continued as i had done - being straight and doing what straight people do and say, but I think i always thought subconsciously that maybe this wasn’t me. Over this time as well i kind of experimented a bit with gay porn and what i guess is homosexual masturbation and found myself enjoying it and i guess this scared me a bit. Fundamentally I don’t want to be gay, not because i have anything against gay people (my best friend is a lesbian) i just don’t want to be. However i can’t deny that through my life there has been a fair few signs to suggest I am gay. The problem is i look at everything objectively and for every sign i see in my life that tells me I might be gay, i find myself making justifications and excuses for them. Now i am good at debating and putting forward evidence to support my case when it comes to emotions and solutions to problems etc, so I have become very good at convincing myself im not gay and that these signs to suggest i am are actually the result of something else. But now at the age of 23 the elephant in the room has got too big to ignore and it’s at the point where i don’t want to ignore it. I’ve done a good job of living my life without tackling this problem and expecting one day for to be clear cut, but now im thinking unless i can really understand what is going on in my head ill stay in this limbo of not really being attracted to girls and not wanting to be attracted to men. I see my friends around me in relationships and honestly I’ve started to feel lonely as iv never had that and i feel like i won’t find it if i don’t know what i want. I think in the last 6 months or so iv felt more pressure than normal as i been travelling and im finding myself in sexual situations, i can tell some girls are attracted to me and making a move but i feel like im not interested - but then i tell myself oh maybe shes not my type - that’s why. I’ve even find myself just going with it because i feel like a straight person would - last night for example i hooked up with this girl and when we got back to my hotel room i couldn’t get aroused, now this could have been because id been drinking but im 23 and i hadn’t had that much so that doesn’t really make sense, or it’s another sign that im not attracted to females, or maybe it was just that particular girl. I’ve never had a girlfriend but i have slept with a few girls and i enjoyed it and i still watch straight porn. I also find myself emotionally attracted to girls, i have 2 older sisters and i feel my mum was a bigger part of my upbringing than my dad, so as a general rule i get along with girls much better than guys. But i can’t honestly decide what all this means. I’ve been going back and forth and arguing the point from both sides of view in my own head for a few years and im kind of fed up with it. I don’t want to be gay but if i am at least I know what i want and i can go about being who i really am, but not being sure is so frustrating. This is the first time i’ve made an attempt to share this. I’m honestly embarrassed that i don’t know/understand my sexuality and I don’t want to go down the route of saying im gay to “test it out” for that not to be the case and look like an idiot. Im also scared of ruining my friendships (some with previous sexual partners) by admitting this conflict and basically tell them i was lying to them. I didn’t mean for this to be so long and if you’ve actually made the effort to read all this i appreciate it. I just really need some anonymous advice because i’ve been debating with myself for 5 years and haven’t come to a conclusion…. I think it’s time to get someone else’s opinion. Thanks
Perhaps you are romantically attracted to women, but sexually and romantically attracted to men. I'd say go for it, experiment with men. You won't truly know you like it until you try, and if you don't try, you'll probably just sit there wasting time as you wonder what being with a man is like and if you'd enjoy it, so start making some moves. I understand you not wanting your friends to know about your experimenting, but try to be as secretive about it as possible. They don't need to know. If they for some reason ask about it, just tell them the truth. If it offends them, that is their problem. Also, why do you say "From a science perspective homosexuals don’t really make sense"?
Yeah I guess you're right, have to try it. Although how I'm going to go about that I really don't know and when you're not sure it's what you want its pretty daunting! That's kind of a statement I tell myself when I'm thinking I dont want to be attracted to men. I mean from an evolution and reproductive perspective I guess it doesn't work, but then again attraction and sex isn't only about reproducing. This is where my conflict comes in, I seem to see both sides of the coin and then argure it back and forth
Well once again, that's why I think you should experiment. You won't know if you really want it unless you try it first. I know this will sound cliche but perhaps you could try meeting some gay (or bisexual) men on gay dating sites or at a gay club/bar if there are any nearby. And yeah, it's true that same-sex couples can't reproduce (yet... I guess), but I personally believe that sexual orientation is partially determined at birth, with environmental factors playing a role as well. When I was little, I knew I had some sort of attraction to men, and now that attraction is even stronger. I also agree that sex & relationships aren't all about reproducing. Now here's my last piece of advice. Don't try to make yourself feel a certain way, and don't overthink it. Just do what feels right, whatever comes naturally to you. I hope you can figure it out. (*hug*)
You're a thoughtful young man. I think you are trying to be objective about yourself, and you seem to want to be self-accepting. I remember going through a period as an adolescent thinking that I wanted to be with females. That actually came after a period when I was fascinated by other guys. Then, halfway through college, that realization started to get more intrusive in my mind. So I have to endorse the others' suggestion that some experimentation is in order. You've already written you get more masturbating with gay porn than with the straight porn, at this point. That is an indication. You seem ready to accept the truth, when it becomes obvious. And it's always possible you'll decide maybe what you like is harder to pin down, after some experimentation. Figuring this out now is going to be better, than trying to avoid it and waiting.
Sexuality can be VERY confusing. I went through a similar thing more recently, and it can be scary. I get off thinking about being with a man, as well as being with a woman. I've also had genuine attraction towards women in the past, and I still do. I accept the fact that I like the P and the V. I like boobs, and pecs. I like butts regardless of who the owner is. You'll figure it out, and when you do, it'll be great!(*hug*)
First and foremost, this is a very well written post. You and I are a lot alike: I am purely analytical in most of what i do and i always want to know the reason behind everything. The cause and effect if you will. I'm also an Atheist myself. I admire you, i wish i had this conversation with myself when i was your age. I was never truly attracted to females. In my world, i was only attracted to their fashion. I really never dated all that much, found it completely impossible to get aroused during sex. Viagra helped to some extent but orgasms were non existent. After two failed and completely horrible marriages, i had to face a truth about myself that i had been running away from. A few words of advice for you: 1. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You are 23 and you have plenty of time to sort all of this out. There is no time limit to this ;-) 2. If you are gay, bi, or whatever, don't hate yourself. Again, DO NOT hate yourself. You are you and you are awesome! It's completely and totally OK to have attraction towards the same sex! This is your life and no one else, or societal norms, can dictate what you like or don't like. I wished i had heeded this advice a lot earlier in life. When i finally admitted this to myself, life got a hell of a lot easier for me. 3. Experiment and have fun, BUT PRACTICE SAFE SEX!!!!! Don't let that statement be a buzzkill, OK? Just read up on the subject and just get educated. I was in the same boat as you when i was your age, but i was completely afraid to face myself and my true feelings
Thanks for all the advise! Its nice to know that other people have had similar conflict and to be honest you've made me feel good that I'm trying to tackle this now. Just being brutally honest about this even if it is through a website talking to strangers has made me feel more comfortable with it all. I think the next steps will be slow ones, and I will be safe on the sex front. @whizbang - I'm interested in how you went about telling people about liking men? if you don't mind me asking? What was the reaction from family and friends ? Were people surprised ? because I get this feeling in some situations that people think they know something I don't, like a joke they feel ashamed to tell me.
Well to be honest, I'm still in the process of coming out. I'm out to a lot of close friends (some of them knew anyway, lol). My folks will probably handle it ok as they are quite liberal. Mom will probably try to convince me that I'm not gay, you need to meet the right woman, bla, bla, bla. There may be some good friends that may never accept it and I may have to deal with the fallout. They may never have anything to do with me ever again. While that's probably going to sting, in the long run it means I am completely honest with myself and with the people around me. My therapist is having me make a list of who I want to come out to, and how I would do it. It's arranged of who would take it the best versus who would flip out. Just simply making that list has been a huge help to me. It sort of puts it into perspective. I will also give you another piece of advice that she told me: coming out is something that you do on your own timeline. This is your show, you do it as you see fit. Do not be afraid if people suspect you are gay/bi whatever. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Work on accepting yourself first and a lot of other things will fall into place. I'm at the point in my life that if someone directly asks me if I'm gay, I will say yes, consequences be damned.
