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Might I be gray-aromantic or gray-asexual or something?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by intherye, May 6, 2016.

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  1. intherye

    intherye
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    Wohoo, very broad issue here, sorry!

    I've had three major "crushes" in my life, all of which involve romantic daydreams about the person, sort of, in that I imagine going to the cinema with them or reading them poetry or whatever. With one of them, I pictured her kissing me a bit. Definitely not sex. With the others I didn't like imagining that stuff at all. They're all between three and twenty years older than me, and whenever I imagined situations with them they would be treating me like a child and sort of looking after me. In retrospect, these "crushes" were essentially a desire for someone to baby me and look after me (sort of a mother figure). This bit is weird, but with all of them I found imagining hanging out with them and in some cases dating them far more appealing than, when I really thought about it, how ACTUALLY dating or being friends with them would be. If that makes sense. I was also obsessed with finding out details about their lives and personalities. (If anyone's familiar with the Aspergers concept of a "special interest", these were them. I have Aspergers.) So essentially what I'm trying to say is that I've never had a real crush, just a series of complicated obsessions. I feel like I'd be happy never to date, if I could be friends with the objects of my obsessions.

    I can't reach pleasure through masturbation and have never felt what I think most people feel, in terms of sexual attraction, for people they think look attractive. Only once in my life have I felt "turned on": me and my best friend were making out last year. We've kissed since and I don't get the same feeling, which is weird. So yeah other than once I've never felt anything sexual or even sensual.

    I'm currently dating someone but it's a close friend and so far we haven't done anything that friends wouldn't do. We held hands once, actually, and I guess the best way to describe how that made me feel is a bit embarrassed and stressed. She's suggested we kiss a couple of times and it makes me feel kind of panicked.

    Any thoughts appreciated :slight_smile:
     
    #1 intherye, May 6, 2016
  2. Kodo

    Kodo
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    Your descriptions of your "crushes" are very similar to what I have for those whom I admire in a similar way. Eerie.

    Some people say "gray asexuality does not exist" or "having a separate romantic and sexual attraction also doesn't exist." Regardless, I think that if the label helps you and a potential partner (or lack thereof) to understand what you're feeling, it can only help.

    The only comment I can give you is that I can relate. While I have never kissed anyone, I have entertained the notion sometimes and hypothetically considered a romantic relationship. But usually I tend to shut down and panic once I start properly thinking about how that would work. It is one thing to have a rare and fleeting attraction in the heat of a moment and another to have a general drive and desire for sex and/or romance.

    So in a way I identify as gray asexual, only because I very rarely have felt sexual attraction. To date, I can only remember one time, though, when I distinctly thought "I'd bed him" about a guy. So not totally stone cold ace and yet the majority (99%) of the time very nonsexual. The only times I think, "hey I could be [insert sexuality here]" is hypothetical and never-going-to-be-real scenarios or I'm hot and bothered.

    You could identify as gray ace or gray aro if you wished, based on what you described. Ultimately though you might, for general purposes, want to stick with a more simple label? Most ordinary folk will not understand what all that means, and so saying "I'm gay, bi, or ace" might be better? Though people still insist that bisexuality and asexuality aren't real, so I really don't know what to about it.

    In the end I just gave up. Don't care. Doesn't matter. Never gonna get married or kiss nobody. Irrelevant labeling obsession. I'm not saying to do this, but that is what I did.
     
    #2 Kodo, May 16, 2016
  3. SillyGoose

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    You seem grey-asexual..
    I don't really know much about it but some people don't seem to think it's real..
    I think it was chip who compared it to a group of people saying they're unicornsexual
    Anyway I'm going off topic, just be who you are and don't worry about labels..
     
    #3 SillyGoose, May 16, 2016
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    I agree with the sentiment "be who you are and don't worry about the label".

    The Aspergers can intefere, to some extent, with the feelings that often come with sexual attraction because people with Aspergers typically don't have access to the same understanding of connection that other people have. So it's more likely that what you are describing is coming from that place rather than from any unusual or unrecognized sexual orientation. (Grey-asexuality is something invented by a very tiny group of people and is not widely recognized by much of anyone.) It's also possible that you have normal sexual attraction/arousal, but simply haven't connected to the right person yet.

    I think the important thing is to be yourself. Don't worry about the label, especially the unrecognized ones that are near impossible to pin down because nobody agrees on a definition, and the definition isn't grounded to anything.
     
    #4 Chip, May 17, 2016
  5. Kodo

    Kodo
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    This is a good point.
     
    #5 Kodo, May 17, 2016
  6. intherye

    intherye
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    I feel exactly the same on all of this haha, weird! Glad to know you can relate too. Might just tell people I'm ace because the chances are I won't want to date them anyway. I'm pretty tempted by your last idea hah,, I certainly do have a labelling obsession :dry:

    ---------- Post added 17th May 2016 at 11:34 AM ----------
    That is a good point about the Aspergers. However, this may not make sense, but I feel like sexual desire is a physical sensation which I would easily be able to detect in myself, as is a typical 'crush' feeling (butterflies, blushing etc). Does that make sense? Like, often I feel sad and I don't know why and I think that's the Aspergers, but I feel with sex or a crush it'd be different. I don't know though. Also, by grey-ace or -aro, all I mean is somewhere between sexual or romantic and asexual or aromantic. And I think most people who know anything about sexuality agree sex drive and romantic feelings exist in a spectrum, right? So I don't know if grey-asexuality is that made up of a thing, maybe a lot of people just don't know the words. Do you believe asexuality is a sexuality? Maybe I'm just asexual. And yes, it is possible I haven't met someone yet.
     
    #6 intherye, May 17, 2016
  7. Chip

    Chip
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    Asexuality certanly exists and has been documented for decades. However, there's a widely accepted, documented, studied definition that is pretty much universally accepted by everyone... and there's a different definition perpetrated by a tiny group of people that has absolutely no basis in any study, research, science, and you can't even pin down a solid definition of this alternative definition because it isn't grounded in anything.

    If we're using the widely accepted definition, asexuality is a full sexual orientation, in the same way homosexuality and bisexuality and heterosexuality is. It refers to an absolute absence of sexual attraction/arousal/connection/interest. And it is exceedingly rare.

    What most people who claim asexuality are likely experiencing is actually a side effect of something else that is suppressing interest in sexual attraction. Common factors that can suppress sexual desire include depression, anxiety, various other mental health disorders, many medications, including SSRI antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications, and many other factors. In fact, the research shows that a significant majority of those who are self-identified asexuals also have these co-occurring disorders that actually cause the symptoms that are being self-identified as asexuality.

    As far as grey-asexuality... nobody credible acknowledges that as a meaningful or accepted sexual orientation. You're welcomed to use that as a "convenience label" if it is useful to you, but keep in mind that it doesn't accurately represent a recognized sexual orientation and therefore is of limited utility if you're genuinely trying to figure out who you are.

    As to the aspergers issue... it's complicated and my knowledge of that area is limited. One of our board members is a therapist with extensive experience with Aspergers and other autism-spectrum disorders, so perhaps I can ask him to either chime in or give me some input on this.
     
    #7 Chip, May 17, 2016
  8. YuriBunny

    YuriBunny
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    Asexuality is a lack of sexuality.

    Maybe you already knew this, but asexuality seems to be more common in people with Asperger's syndrome than in the general population. (Just a side note.)

    I think it's possible you're asexual, but I can't truly understand your feelings because I'm not you and I don't have enough information to go by. Only you can determine your orientation!
     
    #8 YuriBunny, May 17, 2016
  9. supernova

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    Some people on the asexual spectrum have very specific definitions about what they feel about other, and other people prefer to have very simple but broad definitions. When it comes to what you feel, yes you sound like you are somewhere on the asexual spectrum, but what you choose to call yourself is up to you.

    I know many people on the asexual spectrum who just so by "asexual" because its much simpler to go by an easy-to-define label, and if they ever want to with a partner, they will expand as they go. So, if you decide that you exist on the spectrum, no matter what the reasoning is behind it, don't feel as though you need to come up with some special definition to perfectly describe you.
     
    #9 supernova, May 17, 2016
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