I know that this is not the first time someone has asked this nor do I ever expect it to be the last. I can't even really believe that I am here. Explanation than my question. I am about 28 years old and I had always thought or assumed that I was heterosexual. I had always been attracted to guys, very masculine guys to boot, until within these last few months when I tried dating again. Long story short, I had dated a guy a few years ago and was even engaged to him. However, it turns out that he was very emotionally abusive and manipulative (hindsight 20-20). He sexually assaulted me a month before I broke it off with him but I never had a name for what he did for me up until a couple of months ago. I've been single for nearly a year and a half and I made a decision after the first of the year I was going to try dating again.I even signed up on an online dating site. However, I am all fine with dating until it gets to the point of being intimate beyond a handshake. I feel physically nauseous at even the thought of kissing a man now and I break out in to a cold sweat. I would love to say that it's probably PTSD related to my assault but I can't help but feel that maybe I should stop trying for cis men? I don't want to keep pressuring myself to go against my instincts/feelings in hopes that it'll just "go away" because they are that strong. I once thought that I could have entertained the thought of being with a girl years ago when I was in high school but I never did anything about it or even entertain it much more than a thought once upon a time. I guess my question now is....what am I? I know I am still "me" but I'm just so confused now.
You don't need to label yourself as anything, unless you really want to, of course. But label yourself for you, not b/c society is telling you to. You are who you are, and you love who you love. Just follow your heart! If you fall in love with a man, great. If you fall in love with a woman, great. Or anyone else in between, great!
Thanks. I have always believed in falling in love from the heart but I never believed that I would be going through this kind of struggle. The thought entered in to my head a few days ago that maybe I should try to give women a chance. That they might could be "safer" then men but I do not want to be seen as that woman who does it for shits and giggles.
You could definitely try giving women a chance! Just be open about your situation so no one gets hurt.
So here is my new question.... How do I go about finding someone? How do I become, I guess, involved in the LBGT community where I live?
Hi, and welcome. First, I'm sorry for the experience you went through. While I haven't had that experience, I have some understanding of what it must have felt like, and I admire your courage for being willing to put yourself out there and to talk about it. That's a sign of really strong resilience and you should remind yourself of that every day. I think there's little question that your current experience and fear of any sort of intimacy is a direct conditioned response combined with PTSD from the assault that happened. As a result, I wouldn't rule out cis men, because what you experienced, and how it is affecting you now, are transient experiences that can be addressed and healed, as much as that may not seem possible at present. This isn't about pressuring yourself to do anything; what's most important here (at least to me) would be addressing the trauma itself. These sorts of experiences can take a fair amount of time and energy to address and overcome. Therapy is crucial. I want to be clear that I'm not saying you aren't bi or gay or pan, only that I don't hear anything in what you've said so far to indicate anything other than attraction to men, and I think the attraction is (understandably) intermixed with the trauma you experienced. I suspect (but cannot be sure, of course) that once you work through the trauma and PTSD and related feelings, you'll find your connection, attraction, and sexual desire returning. The research in this field shows that to be the case pretty unequivocally. The main thing I'd focus on is giving yourself time. A year and a half may seem like a lot of time already (and it is), and a lot depends on how much self-work and therapy you've gotten (and, for that matter, how good the therapist is.) Typically this sort of thing can take a year or more of solid therapy to work through. That doesn't mean you can't have a relationship during that time, only that anyone you're with will need to be totally understanding of where you are and what you need. One last piece that might be worth looking at: When people find themselves attracted to abusive partners, very often, there's some underlying issue of self-worth and self-esteem playing out; we stay with people who are shitty because, consciously or unconsciously, we feel that's the best we deserve. Of course, I'm in no way saying you asked for or contributed in any way to the assault that happened. What I am saying is that if I'm correct, then you may need to work on the self-esteem piece before you can expect to get into a healthy relationship. I hope this helps!
