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Internalized Biphobia

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Onthebifrost, May 10, 2016.

  1. Onthebifrost

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2016
    Messages:
    3
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    Location:
    Washington
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    (TWs for: Internalized Biphobia, mental illness/anxiety/OCD/depression discussed, domestic violence mention)

    Pretty much what the title says.

    I'm struggling a lot with internalized biphobia, even though I try really hard to be very publicly bisexual/put myself out there as a future role model since I know how important role models were to me. This is complicated by a lot of things, like having an anxiety disorder cocktail etc etc, a lot of self-loathing that keeps popping up, but I keep coming back to not feeling okay about being bi.

    Most recently, this was brought back to the surface by a couple different things. One was realizing that, while I'm attracted to men/masculinity (I'm a cis woman), I'm pretty afraid of cis men (granted, people of all genders are capable of violence, but I have triggers specific to being close to cis men). I know this isn't totally right, but I grew up in a household with the threat of male violence being pretty omnipresent. Between that and popular culture, I guess it kind of stuck. Just in general, I'm more attracted to women/femininity, and realize that I'm only interested in dating women right now (or possibly nonbinary ppl/trans men, depending).

    So, most of my queer community idols growing up were lesbians. It's only recently that I've found bi role models in fiction, and 2/3 of them are men. I really like the simplicity of googling "lesbian" and knowing I'm going to see F/F.

    I also know the lesbian community is going to be my dating comm, but I know that a lot of my potential F/F dating pool hates me before I even walk in the door. I see so much toxicity between lesbians and bi women it makes me not even want to get out of my pajamas and try to meet anyone. Like, I know no one likes rejection, but there's something particularly awful about the idea of a woman I'm into hating me just bc of how I announce my wlw ID. It makes me want to say I'm a lesbian in those spaces, but that doesn't feel true, and then it makes me not want to try at all, and then that makes me want to just sit home and hate myself for being difficult.

    I worry about not really having a place. Sometimes I feel like I'm being torn in half because, in the end, I'd rather ID as a lesbian than as straight--after everything I've gone through to understand myself, and given HOW attracted I am to girls, going back to being straight just seems so hopeless for me, but I'm also not 100% a lesbian, either, since I am still attracted to men/masculinity and don't want to exempt the possibility of dating trans men/nonbinary folks. I also know that, again, as someone who doesn't want to date cis men, the VAST majority of my dating community will be the lesbian community, especially since there isn't really a bisexual dating comm; we sort of date within either straight or gay circles.

    IDK if it's just my other mental health issues rearing their ugly head, or if it's internalized biphobia because I don't want to ID as bi, or lesbophobia because maybe I'm really a lesbian who's just putting off the inevitable. I feel like an interloper, who should be beaming and grateful when lesbians even let me share space with them, and I feel wrong and filthy all over again, like I don't matter.

    I would really like to identify as a bisexual lesbian, but I know a lot of people have a really strong 'anti' reaction to the very idea. I also appreciate the label 'queer' overall, but it still doesn't connote the wlw-leaning ID that I want to capture. I love Sapphian/Sapphic/Sapphic bisexual, but then it has me wondering why I don't just ID as a lesbian. The cycle goes on and leaves me in a puddle on the floor wondering why I have to be so difficult.

    On good days, it feels so wonderfully freeing; like I'm myself and I can be happy and proud about that. On bad days it feels so grossly isolating--like other queer women will never love or trust me and if I marry a dude I'll be read as straight forever, get the two kids, the two-income household, and wallow in what could have been. When I think about that, and the position my bisexuality has put me in, I kind of want to claw my way out of my own skin (not in a suicidal or self-harming way, just feeling very trapped and that's the only language I know how to use to express it--on those days, I just want to be different than I am).

    I guess I'm posting here because I really need feedback. Or just to talk to people who have gone through something similar. Or to talk to other bi women who are more attracted to women or to lesbians who are slightly attracted to men/masculinity. I have a number of great bi friends, and they're wonderfully supportive, but it's kind of hard to talk about internalized biphobia with them because the only language for internalized biphobia involves using biphobic language.

    Sincerely,
    a mixed-up bi chick and first time poster!
     
  2. Rachyl

    Rachyl Guest

    Oh my goodness Onthebifrost, I truly DO understand.

    I am SO there. I identify as Bi, with a preference.

    Meaning that I am 90 % into women, and 10% into Trans individuals. So yes, we are a thing. NOT absolutely NOT into men. At least the cis men of this world. Sorry , not sorry.

    The amount of pain and suffering I have received in my life is almost 100% because of cis men. I could never be attracted to them, not even possible. But I completely understand the desire to identify as a lesbian, and yet I know that I am not.

    My attraction to women is so strong some days I can't even think, yet I am involved and have been involved with Trans men, and non binary people as well. I would have to say that I identify as a queer bisexual. because, well that's just who I am.

    Although my attraction to Trans people are mostly romantic, but there have been a few times, that I have been sexually attracted to them as well. But my attraction to women is almost absolute.

    Yet when I go out to lesbian events, I pine for something I cannot seem to have.

    Sigh.

    So I do so understand, I really do. There are days I wish that I could just say "Yes, I am a lesbian" but I know that'll never be true.

    Of course I also know the wonderful *sarcasm* feeling of being looked at like a absolute betrayer of women, when I say that I am bisexual. It's even worse when society and people in general don't get that bisexual isn't just men and women. or that it's easier or more "fun" to be bisexual. because as you know it is not.

    So. I just try to BE right now. As much as I hope for a relationship with another woman, I know that I may just not be ready.

    But I do hope, that someday it will happen.

    Thanks for writing, welcome, and just know that you are in good company. (*hug*)