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I just need to spew what’s on my mind.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Canterpiece, May 10, 2016.

  1. Canterpiece

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    So um, hey. These last few days have been odd for me lately, and I feel like there isn't anyone I can really talk to about this so I just want to put my thoughts into words. I find it helps.
    There’s quite a few things on my mind, so like another one of my threads I'm going to basically lay out the conversation in my mind and my thoughts, giving them names like “Miss.G” and “Miss.B” for example. Yeah, I’ll probably go with that.

    Miss B: Coming out to him (a classmate of mine) was a mistake.

    Miss G: Why?

    Miss B: Face it, you like to keep the appearance up that you know what you’re doing.
    That you know what you are, when you don’t.

    Miss G: But if I'm not who I think I am, who am I?

    Miss B: I don’t know.

    Miss G: It’s just, I can’t really figure any of this out. Is all this questioning I've been doing related to the fact I came out to him? Or am I actually bi?

    Miss B: Does it really matter if you were/are?

    Miss G: I guess not, it’s just that without having a definite label I feel lost and confused. I've gotten used to identifying as gay and if I lost that then it’d be like I was learning who am I all over again. Back to square one. I mean, it’d be better if I had a definite label right now- like gay or bi, but I feel like I’m just back to that awkward phase of questioning again.

    Miss B: And that’s why it was a bad idea to come out to him, you’re too quick to label things you know.

    Miss G: Yeah, I guess you’re right. But at least he took it well.

    Miss B: True.

    Miss G: So what now?

    Miss B: I guess we have to go back to square one, like you said.

    Miss G: *sigh*

    Miss B: Come on, we can do this. We can take whatever life throws at us.

    Miss G: I mean; we don’t have to go all the way back to square one…

    Miss B: We don’t?

    Miss G: Yeah, what I mean is that we already know we’re not straight.

    Miss B: Heh. Yeah, true.

    Miss G: It’d be easier if we were though, we can’t we just be straight?

    Miss B: Because we’re not, come on you know how this works.

    Bad memories- *mocking chants over and over again, that people used to say to me about my orientation, I don’t really want to get into that right now. *

    Miss G: Alright, alright I get it! Stop it with the chanting!

    Bad memories- *more chanting*

    Miss G: What if they’re wrong though? Sure they’d laugh when I claimed that I had a boyfriend saying that I was too gay for that, but what if they’re wrong?

    Miss B: They weren't wrong at the time though were they?

    Miss G: No, they weren't. They had me sussed out.

    Miss B: It wasn't exactly difficult; you were a walking stereotype.

    Miss G: Yeah, of a lesbian. But what if I’m not? What about those moments of questioning? Besides, I was a walking stereotype, I’m not anymore. Not as much.

    Miss B: I guess we’ll just have to go over them all. They’re still right on the whole clear lack of boyfriend though.

    Miss G: Ok so I haven’t had a boyfriend yet, unless we’re counting the-

    Miss B: We’re not counting that. You didn't like him that way, he didn't like you that way, and you’re both ga-

    Miss G: Well, I might not be.

    Miss B: It seems to be that way.

    Miss G: What about before, then?

    Miss B: before?

    Miss G: At the bus stop.

    Miss B: Oh, that.

    Miss G: What do you suppose that meant?

    Miss B: That you’re over thinking things?

    Miss G: Just answer the damn question.

    Miss B: *sigh* fine…

    Miss G: Well?

    Miss B: It was weird. I looked up at this guy and he looked at me at the same time and it was some fairly awkward eye-contact. I didn't want him to think I was flirting or to make it awkward or anything, so I looked away.

    Miss G: Why would you assume that he’d assume you were flirting with him?

    Miss B: Er… I don’t know. Because it’s weird to make such intense eye contact with someone without flirting being involved usually, right?

    Miss G: Well don’t ask me about the norms of social interaction.

    Miss B: Fair point.

    Miss G: So yeah, there was weird eye contact and…?

    Miss B: Oh right, yeah. It got me thinking, does he think that I’m flirting with him? Should I be?

    Miss G: Well was he attractive?

    Miss B: Er...well, it’s hard to pinpoint how I felt really.

    Miss G: Go on, try.

    Miss B: A part of me came out with a resounding “no”, and wondered why we were doing this.

    Miss G: Internalised issues perhaps?

    Miss B: Maybe. I tried to imagine kissing him, but it was so downright awkward and it was actually pretty laughable.

    Miss G: I’m not surprised, trying to imagine what it’d be like to kiss someone you don’t know who you saw at a bus stop once is kind of a ridiculous thought.

    Miss B: True.

    Miss G: Maybe if you knew him better?

    Miss B: He lives nowhere near me; how’d you suppose we do that? I haven’t seen him around much either.

    Miss G: This is a lost cause, why are you bothering?

    Miss B: Because if I’m into him, then that could mean I’m into guys as well.

    Miss G: and how likely is all of this?

    Miss B: Isn't it true that extended eye-contact with someone can increase your chance of falling in love with them?

    Miss G: So what, are you just going to go around staring people down?

    Miss B: Well it’s not exactly what I had in mind, no. Makes you wonder though about how set in our orientations are, or if these categories exist at all.

    Miss G: What do you think you can just stick two people in a room, and tell them to kiss after staring at each other?

    Miss B: Well, when you say it like that it does seem kind of ridiculous.

    Miss G: Exactly. So what did the other part of you say?

    Miss B: The other part of me said that this guy is alright looking.

    Miss G: That doesn't say much, girls can think that other girls are “pretty” but not be into them, and the same with guys really. It could be a case of admiration mixed with some awkward eye-contact, rather than a case of attraction.

    Miss B: Possibly, but I always feel like you’re always using every opportunity to prove your “gayness” which makes me think you’re in denial.

    Miss G: Yeah well, I think you try to use every opportunity to try and make me think that I’m into guys, so I think you’re the one who’s in denial and can’t face reality. When was the last time you had a crush on a male celebrity huh?

    Miss B: Please don’t do this.

    Miss G: Answer me.

    Miss B: …Never…

    Miss G: Have you ever had a crush on a guy?

    Miss B: Well, I mean…

    Miss G: A real, definite one. One you've wanted to kiss.

    Miss B: Well never but…

    Miss G: Physical attractions in general to men?

    Miss B: Er...well, that guy at the…

    Miss G: Ones you've felt romantically to, not just admired.

    Miss B: Well bus-stop guy and I might have a thing.

    Miss G: You don’t do you though?

    Miss B: It might become a thing though; I might develop feelings for him.

    Miss G: Yeah, to some guy you don’t see much.

    Miss B: Look, I know it doesn't look great but… it happens sometimes people will fall for one gender for a really long time, and then when they’re older they discover that they actually are attracted to both.

    Miss G: I know, and I’m not saying that couldn't happen- but it feels like you’re depending on that to happen instead of accepting the circumstances as they are now.

    Miss B: Yeah well I think you’re blind to the circumstances.

    Miss G: Look who’s talking.

    Miss B: Fight me.

    …. Yeah…. I may have some issues.

    :bang:
     
  2. Loppox

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    Miss B: Look, I know it doesn't look great but… it happens sometimes people will fall for one gender for a really long time, and then when they’re older they discover that they actually are attracted to both.

    Miss G: I know, and I’m not saying that couldn't happen- but it feels like you’re depending on that to happen instead of accepting the circumstances as they are now.

    Miss B: Yeah well I think you’re blind to the circumstances.

    Miss G: Look who’s talking.

    Miss B: Fight me.


    This right here. I can relate. This is whole converstion just. I feel the same, I just wanted to tell you that.

    It's scary how much I can relate to this.
     
  3. Canterpiece

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    Well at least I'm not the only one going through this complicated mess then. Best of luck to you. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 10th May 2016 at 11:35 PM ----------

    Can anyone else relate/thoughts?

    Gah I don't know anymore, maybe I should just go to bed.
     
  4. Canterpiece

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    UPDATE: Turns out I was wrong, he does live in the area because I saw him at College today. Admittedly I realise that I'm not into him, or at least it's not like when I have fleeting infatuations (and sometimes major crushes) with other girls my age. I barely noticed him, and then I was like "oh hey it's bus stop guy, huh". I realise now that this is all just a lost cause, and likely a case of just awkward eye contact. I feel like I'm trying to search for something that isn't there, and sometimes I find it hard to let go of the idea of falling in love with a guy. It didn't used to bother me, but recently things have been different. I guess with the chants repeating in my head a lot of the time, and most of my friends having boyfriends I just...feel odd.

    There are times where I really hate being gay, but I try to not let it show too much. I know it's pointless hating something you can't change, but a part of me just wishes that I could at least be Bi. Don't get me wrong, I know bisexuals probably have it a lot worse and that this want of mine is incredibly ignorant.

    But I get told by guys sometimes that they'd date me, and I just feel like dating would be a lot easier if I was into men. I guess deep down I just secretly wish that I would fall in love with a guy. I know that sometimes these moments of questioning I have seem well...weak at best. When I have these self-discussions the argument I make that suggests I'm into them is usually fairly flawed when I take a step back from it, but a part of me just wishes deeply that I actually do turn out liking them.

    I guess that I'm kind of struggling with my expression right now when it comes to gender- but I feel like I should probably save that for another thread.

    Ugh. :eusa_doh:
     
    #4 Canterpiece, May 11, 2016
    Last edited: May 11, 2016