Hi everyone, I am having the following dilemma about a coworker of mine. I will refer to myself as “Mittelholzer” and him as “The Joker”. 1. About a year ago, I meet this new guy at work. He invites me over to a party he has organized at his house. I decide not to go because: I am exhausted, I suffer from social anxiety, and I am attracted to him. Days later, he doesn’t attend the Christmas work party, and when I ask him why he didn’t, he jokingly answers: "because you didn't come to my party!". A few days later, he asks me if I didn't go to his party because I didn't like him. I tell him that I was truly tired. Is he concerned because I might not like him? 2. One day, he asks me if we could "all" go out to eat, and I said "sure" in a awkward way. He tells me "you don't seem to be into going out. I answer: "yeah, that’s true". Days later, he asks me if I would be interested in playing sports, and I say: "I'm not a sports kind of man". Why do I reject him? I fear I might develop feelings for him and end up heartbroken. 3. We start a work project. We work for different departments and I am excited and apprehensive about working together. He jokes with me by saying "don't look at me with those beautiful eyes; they distract me" and "you and the heat have me all red". I say "jokes" because he likes joking around about everything! I humor him but don’t react to such jokes because we are at work! 4. He invites me to another party at his house. I enthusiastically agree. Due to my social anxiety, I shut down to almost no speaking at all because there are too many people. Hours later - he's already quite drunk - he tells me: "I love you, and I know that love is a strong word". My answer: "I love you, too, and I am sober". He doesn’t say anything back. A lady coworker is present when that happens and I feel even more awkward and say nothing else. The party is over, but we say good-bye with a warm hug. 5. I cannot describe what that “I love you” stirred within myself. Especially, because he said: “... and I know love is a strong word”. Weeks pass by uneventfully. He says nothing at all about anything. I keep developing feelings for him, but I can’t read him because he jokes around about everything. 6. The final day of the project arrives. We are having our picture taken, and I suddenly say: “let’s hug for the picture”. He hugs me back, but the picture needs to be taken a second time. I hug him again, and I say: “I don’t care about the picture; I just want to hug you”. I do this because I want to stop playing it safe, but he makes no comments. The picture needs to be taken a third time. I don’t make an attempt at hugging him again; he doesn’t either. Was I probably too forward and wrong about everything? Minutes later, he takes out his phone and asks a coworker to have our picture taken. He hugs me and seems comfortable. When I ask him to email it to me, he says: “I don’t think so”. I tell him: “I’m also in it”, but he makes no replies and never sends me the picture. Why can he have a picture of us and I cannot? 7. We all go out to celebrate that night. He asks for beer and when I ask for vodka, he says: "you don't like beer? Next time, I'll have vodka at my house for you". Why all the concern about having my drink of preference? I think we are definitely going to have a talk. I am having too much vodka and become very talkative and at ease with the small group. He is very quiet, instead, and I wonder if it is because I am talking too much. The night is over and he offers to give me and the same lady coworker from his party a ride home. I am thinking: "he's going to drop HER off first and then WE are going to talk". However, he drops ME off first. This guy is not really into me - I am thinking. However, the following day, he asks me for my phone number. 8. Days later, a different coworker sits almost on top of him and tells him: “I’m gonna sit right next to you so Mr. Mittelholzer feels…”. I cannot catch what he says. Did he say “jealous?” He becomes mute and uncomfortable and replies nothing. This other coworker knows that I am gay, and I start wondering what The Joker might know about me. Days keep on passing by and the situation at work becomes distant and polite. Is it over between us? 9. One day, at a formal work event, I am dressed up for the occasion and he tells me quite seriously: “you look good!” I don’t know what to respond, but I keep doing small talk with him. I feel bad because I didn’t use that opportunity to say something to let him know that I am interested in him, but how could I if I still cannot read him? 10. After three weeks, he texts me on a Friday night. Unlike his distant persona at work, all excitedly he asks me what my plans for Saturday are. I tell him “nothing in particular”. He says he wants me to come over to his house for a night of games and food, and I agree. He phones me Saturday afternoon and tells me there’s been a change of plans. He suggests that we go out for dinner. I am excited. However, when he comes to pick me up, he’s in the company of the same lady coworker from his party. I am a little disappointed. During the evening, he’s not that talkative. She and I do all the talking. I suffer from social anxiety, so I feel responsible for making the night interesting. We all drink, he listens and participates now and then, and I behave as if I were hosting an award show. At some point, he asks me: “do you like wrestling?” and I answer: “as long as it is naked wrestling”. It’s a forward move, but I am tired of playing it safe. I start feeling a bit uncomfortable when I suddenly catch him and her holding hands very briefly. 11. After a few hours, she wants to go home, but he insists that she stays. She says: “I want to go home, but if you guys wish to continue, don’t mind me”. I say nothing about it and he doesn’t say anything either. We all get into the car, and I am thinking: "he’s going to drop HER off first, and then WE are going to talk". He says: “Mittelholzer, do you mind if I drop you off at your house first?” 12. I avoid him for the entire following week. However, the Friday of that week, he asks me if I’d be interested in having drinks with him that night. I say “sure!”, and he makes a joke about the drinks, to which I answer: “Are you serious about going out or are you joking?”. He says: “I am serious, well, I'm also kind of joking. I’ll keep you posted”. 13. Later that Friday, I do what I have never thought I would ever do: join them for a game. He’s not the one who has invited me this time but a different coworker. I am not good at catching, but I think I play decently. He ignores me during the entire game, and after it’s over, I don’t even get a glance or comment from him. Shouldn’t have he said anything at all? At least: “I’m glad you finally made it”? He doesn’t text message me that night; not even to say that he can’t or he’s not feeling in the mood to go out. Is he upset because I doubted whether or not he was serious about the invitation? 14. A few nights ago, I am at a party of coworkers. He was not invited. I am not really in the mood to be out, but I am tired of feeling miserable because of the situation. At the party, I decide to text message him with a simple: “what’s up?”. He answers back all excited, but then the conversation does not go any further. At some point, I say: “I hope I am not bothering you. I just wanted to say hello”, but he does not answer. After a couple of hours, I say: “Hey, I am going to sleep. Let’s keep in touch”. I wake up the following morning, and I have a few text messages from him apologizing for not having answered back. The last one says: “let’s talk soon”. I keep feeling bad because I cannot read him. 15. The following week, he approaches me and asks me out for drinks, again, and says "I'll keep you posted". I agree to it. However, I somehow feel that he is not going to text message me again, so, later that night, I write to him telling him that I am tired and rather stay at home. However, I tell him that any other day I am more than happy to join him in "anything" that he decides to do that weekend. Boy, that "anything" sounds a little desperate, doesn't it? He replies "don't worry, buddy", but the weekend ends and nothing happens. 16. We have played a couple of more games at work ever since. On one occasion, he tells me "you're a good player". On a second occasion, he sprinkles me with water as a joke. Why does he do that? The rest of the games, he ignores me. Is he keeping his distance, then? 17. Today, he jokes with me when he sees me. Later, he asks me how he can learn about something that he is interested, and I tell him "you can always ask me about it". With this phrase, I am pretty much telling him "I am here for you". However, all he says is "thank you". 18. What makes me angry is how I avoided him for almost six months because I was attracted to him. He kept insisting in having a friendship with me until I thought: "go ahead, Mittelholzer. Give yourself a chance". Now that I took a chance, I cannot read what it is that he wants. Thanks for your time and patience to read my silly story of unrequited, teenage love. However, we're both in our 30's, and not only I feel bad because of the uncertainty, but I also feel stupid because I am not a teenager. I cannot stop thinking of him 24/7, and even I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of him. Am I in love with him? Is he serious, confused or playing with me?
I was in the same exact situation as you, only with a woman, and when I described the "friendship" to others, all of my real friends and family would reply: "You call that a friendship? That is not a friendship. I don't know WHAT that is." LOL. Background on me, I'm a married (to a man) female in her 30's who fell for a woman, last year. An emotionally unavailable woman. She ran hot and cold, it was push and pull, I felt constantly off my feet and unsure of where I stood. Did she want me like I wanted her? I can't even tell you if she liked me, at this point. Perhaps, she enjoyed the attention and pulling at my heart strings. I began therapy over it, in part. My therapist assures me that she was interested, but everything would have been on her terms and if I were to have ever been straight up about my attraction to her, she would have bolted the other way. In hindsight, I didn't deserve that, but I did put myself through the ringer for it and that was my fault. I should have loved myself more to walk away from something that obviously wasn't fair or right to me. In these types of situations, we make the mistake of thinking we can change the other person or maybe they'll change for us. Personally, and this is just my opinion obviously, I'd distance myself from this guy. When someone is interested in you, they show it. Simple as that. This push-and-pull, hot and cold stuff is really draining on you and your self esteem- at least it was for me. So, if I were you, I'd distance myself and chalk it up as an experience. I know how much you might be hoping for more with him, just as I wished to have more with her, but the odds of that happening are way too low and just not worth your time or energy. The holding hands w/the other chick, right in front of you, make me feel like he's well aware of how you feel about him and he's toying with you. If you were interested in someone, genuinely, would you do what he's doing? Perhaps, it's a power trip, a game of control, a stroking of his ego, but their doesn't seem to be any upside for you to "stay" in this. There is a blog geared towards people burned by the emotionally unavailable man (or woman), it's: The Blog
I agree with caliwoman, I would distance myself from him as well. If he does not try to connect much at that point, then he probably is not interested in the way that you would like. It almost seems like he's playing a game, but is a bit oblivious to it at the same time, if that can even make sense? Lol Also, being gay men, we can sometimes misconstrue things when it comes to other guys and read into stuff a little more than what is intended, at least in my opinion. It seems some guys in this day and age are a bit more comfortable with pushing friendship boundaries between one another(close/affectionate, not sexual), but they still just have friendly/joking intentions.
Thanks, Caliwoman and Lance. Yes, I keep telling myself that the best is for me to stay away from him, although I like him in a way that goes beyond the physical level. I actually enjoy being around him, for this is the first time somebody has ever showed interest in myself. However, I do agree that this is taking a toll on my self-esteem. Ever since that night out, we haven't spent more time together outside of work, and I feel that it's my personality what has prevented him from being out with me again. I have also thought of the possibility of me misinterpreting his actions, although what I've related in my original post are all facts. He seems so nice that I would find hard to believe that he's playing a game with me, because that would be an awful thing to do to a person. I have thought of confronting him and telling him how I feel, but I do, too, fear that his answer will bolt the other way. Thank again, Caliwoman and Lance. I definitely have to love myself a little more and stay away from him. If he really likes me, like Lance said above, he will look for me. Mittelholzer
So, I have decided to stay away from him. I still run into him at sport games, but I behave as if we were mere acquaintances. It is hard for me, though, because I still have feelings for him. However, I don't try to engage in conversations with him as I used to, unless he takes the initiative. Thank you, everyone, for your feedback. I have been starting to feel a little better ever since I have begun following your advice.
I think everything I can say has been said, but just wanted to say stay strong! You're doing the right thing, and someone more available will come along soon and the feeling you'll experience will be 1000 times better.
In the context of the situation, that is good to hear. It may be difficult in the short-term, but in the long-term it will get easier and be healthier for you mentally. I wish you all the best.
It certainly sounds to me like you are/were in love with him. All the signs are there. However, it also sounds like it doesn't really matter whether he's serious, confused, or playing with you...he is not worth your time. If it's intentional, it's cruel; if it's unintentional, then it is at best ferociously incompetent and dysfunctional. You deserve better. You made a good choice in distancing yourself. I can't imagine how hard it must be...but I think you need to stick to that.
I am in love with him, and it all happened during this two month project that were doing. Whenever I see him, a smile sets upon my face. I want to hug him, and kiss him, and talk to him, spend time with him and simply be where he is... but well... Thank you, Lance, AlmostBlue and BiAnnika... I appreciate your time and input.
Man, am I having a relapse. I have just learned about how much time he and the lady coworker with whom we went out the last time have been spending together, and it feels like a fist in my mind. Was I so terrible that night when the three of us went out that he's decided to shut me out completely? At least, I thought that we could all be friends, since I thought she was a nice person to hang out with.
Mittelholzer, I was in the same position you were in but with a woman and guess what happened? She did it again this week! This is after 8 months of not speaking, 6 months of my last contact to her, and 5 months of her being blocked on facebook and email. After all of this time, 8 months of not one word from her and on Monday morning, I get the following text: And at the end of her text was a kissy face emoji. My first instinct was knowing she was playing games, because obviously that text isn't to me. I mean, it's to my phone, but it's an indirect way of contacting me. I've long since deleted her contact info from my cell, but I remember her number by heart and it's an out of area number, so it was easy to know it was her. Why she has my number still, even though she wanted NOTHING to do with me...I just don't get. At first, my instinct was to block her # from my cell, which I did. How on earth could she not know that she was texting me? We haven't texted or called one another in 8 months...and you have me confused with a business and in the text, introduces herself? WTF? But nooooooooooo, I begin to think maybe she's changed and over a day goes by and I text her back. "I just saw who this is from. This is me (my name). You sent this text to me by accident." And after 8 months of silence, one word from her: Sorry I replied "No worries." And then we didn't say anything. Some friends, not knowing the entire story with her, told me to try and say hi. That she was just testing the waters because she was unsure if I'd reply, since she's blocked on facebook. So yesterday morning, I tried. I asked her how she's been and she hasn't responded. It took her 5 minutes to respond with sorry, now she's not responding? I know she won't respond. I can't believe I'm in this again, 8 months later. She wins, I lose. This is a game to these kind of people. They want that brief shot of our attention. An ego boost. There is no reason she's had my number all of this time, after how things ended between us. She left me there. Would never utter one word, but would read my apologies and even continued to go on our facebook pages because she accidentally sent my husband a friend request. It's all about control. Now, 8 months later, I'm back where she had me, but this time, I'm changing my phone number. I know I could block her on my iphone, but the power I allow her to have over me...well, I know I can't do that. I'm going to change my number, learn this lesson, wish her the best because I'm not that type of person, and move on. ---------- Post added 19th May 2016 at 10:10 AM ---------- God and why she replies with one word, sorry, and then doesn't say anything when I text her and ask how she's been...I JUST DON'T GET HER!! She's managed to break my heart all over again. She has never made any sense to me. ---------- Post added 19th May 2016 at 10:36 AM ---------- Or, maybe she did have my number saved under a business contact. I don't think her husband knew about our friendship. It was like she was trying to hide it from him.
Hi, Caliwoman. I am sorry to hear that, after eight months, you felt back again like eight months before. Hers really sounds like a game she's playing with you, especially with the text messages. I'd block her, but I guess changing your phone number would put a more drastic stop to this situation. Something similar happened with him and me this week. We've played some matches twice this week. By "we" I mean around 10 coworkers. The first time, I diplomatically ignored him. He did ask me once if I was OK (I was squinting because I had taken my glasses off), but, other than that, nothing else. However, today, I did the same, and I did feel that he was trying to be friendly. He joked with me a few times, and I corresponded his jokes, but why does he do it if he sees that I am taking no notice of him? Besides, what about when you ignore me? I don't want to quit playing these matches because I really enjoy them, but, seeing him trying to interact with me also sends me back to thinking: "I like you, but do you like me or not? She did send that message to you on purpose. There is no doubt about that. She must definitely miss the attention you had stopped given her. I know that it is hard to stay away from these people, especially when you have feelings for them; however, it's like you say: "they win, we lose".
