Hey so I'm not sure what I am as I have never been with a man or woman, but at the moment I feel as though I could be bisexual. Could end up true, could end up false? I don't know, but I kind of want to just accept myself as being bisexual in my own head for now just to give myself peace! but it's really hard! For some reason I keep wanting to make myself a lesbian or straight and I can't be okay with possibly liking both. I think a lot of the issue is my feelings are not equal and I can't decide which one is stronger because they are both such different feelings. Whether I like someone or not depends on a lot of factors. I keep going back and forth and accusing myself of lying and making things up in my head. I just kind of need some tips on how to accept bisexuality for myself. I also had some issues with bisexuality growing up, I was kind of in denial that you could like both genders. Today, I know this is wrong thinking, but I still cant shake old thoughts that creep up! Another thing I am struggling with is when i see myself getting married I see it with a man; however, if I imagine myself with the same brain and everything, only difference is I was born a man I would marry a woman in a heart beat and not have desire to marry a man. So I think it is ingrained in my head and I can't open up and allow myself to be free of what "should be" and what is expected of me by those around me. I don't want to be a disappointment. And being a woman pursuing a woman is really scary and tricky and foreign to me. As you can see there is a lot of fear, self-hatred, doubt, shame, anxiety. Lot's of things going against me here and stoping me from thinking clearly. I just need help. How can I accept that I might like both? Honestly, I'm not sure if it is equal, but it does not even matter. I will figure it out eventually, but at the moment I think I like both genders. I just want to be okay with that. I want to allow myself to be okay with the fact that my life might not end up the way I imagined it. I struggle and I need help.Any advice? Any tips on how to accept myself?
I have been aware of attraction to both sexes since I was 16, and have never felt conflict. So when people express this notion of "I feel like I'm bisexual, but I can't accept it" I have trouble understanding the problem. I mean, I get that a person might have trouble accepting same-sex attraction, because society teaches us from an early age that this is icky and wrong. But (as I understand it) that's not the problem here. You seem ok with both being straight or with being a lesbian. So...what is wrong, in your eyes, with being attracted to both sexes? Do be aware that bisexuality is not always (in fact often not) 50/50. I'm a Kinsey 4, myself...most (but by no means all) of the times I fall in love seem to be with women. I've come to accept that as well. I actually like and appreciate the fact that I am open-minded/hearted enough to be able to love and be attracted to people of both sexes. I see it as a positive. Basically, as I see it, I can love *anybody*. I don't. But I can. The only difficulty this has ever caused me is that (especially as I've gotten older) *I* find monogamy challenging. I've been (monogamously) with my partner now for 30 years, and particularly during the last 10, the desire for sex with a man has become increasingly intense...with no decrease in my interest in my partner (romantically or sexually). This has led us to start exploring polyamory notions in a way we never thought we would...but, even that has had its incredible blessings and beautifulnesses. Anyway...those are some perspectives for you. But to actually be of help, I feel like I need to understand better what you see as the problem, the downside, the shame, of being bisexual, as opposed to being straight or lesbian.
I was in a similar place not that long ago. I had always imagined having a family and that being with a woman. I thought long and hard about it, and I finally came to the conclusion that I can still have that, it might just be with a man. Why does it really matter if it is with someone you love? If you want to talk more I'm here!
Also, bisexual doesn't equal polygamy, just putting it out there. Sorry, Annika, I know that isn't what you were implying - it's just a common misconception about bisexuals, usually from the eyes of straight people. Personally, I'm bi and I'm not interested in polyamoury, not now, not ever. But some people are that that's cool - each to their own!
I think I'm a Kinsey 1,5 ish, in other words something like 'primarily het but (a bit) more than incidentally homo.' Me, I've come to accept that I prefer guys but I do like girls as well at times, and if I'm sexually attracted to a girl or fall for one, I'll pursue that if I want to.
I said *nothing* about polygamy, nor would ever want that for myself!! Never mentioned the word! I'll make you a deal: I'll not equate bisexuality with polyamory if you don't equate polyamory with polygamy, ok? I agree that polyamory is no requirement for a happy bisexual life. But EmeraldEyes, I also want you to realize that when *I* was 18, I too would have said "not now, not ever" to polyamory, if the thought had been brought to my attention. In fact, I would have said that at 35 as well. I have been monogamous with my current partner for 30 years, 100% happily for at least 20 years (100% happy with her the whole time; 100% happy with monogamy for at least 20 years). Nobody should make statements of "I will never do this." Life seems to like making us eat those kinds of words.
Sorry! I didn't realise that there was a difference. It's not something that I ever heard much about... I'm sorry... Anyway, by that I was referring to what you said about finding monogamy challenging. I'm sorry if I misinterpreted what you were saying, which I apparently did.
I think the issue is that if I like men only my life would be undisturbed and I wont have to deal with the struggles of coming out and all that stuff. If I like women only at least I can 100% go for it and take the risk of dealing with whatever comes from disappointing my friends and family. However, bisexuality seems harder to deal with in my eyes because people could see you as straight or gay depending on who you are with and I think I would secretly trick myself into feel this way about myself too. My confusion comes from the fact that I don't really like men and women equally and I've never even kissed a boy or girl, i'm super shy. I've had desire to kiss women, but never have. I kind of struggle with being attracted to men, but I still am attracted occasionally. But my whole life I turn down every guy that likes me. I'm also confused about what is sexual and romantic attraction. It is hard to understand something you have never felt, for a while I thought I might have been asexual, but I don't think this is true. I'm just really confused and everything is really blurred. I just want to know who I am and what I like and have the confidence to go after it, but my uncertainty stops me. I feel like if I accept bisexuality I can be free and move on and allow myself to pursue whoever I feel attracted to with confidence. The thing is bisexuality scares me because of how it is perceived by others and even I had wrong thoughts about it when I was younger.
Oh, well, certainly! But you would have other struggles and challenges. Nobody gets a free ride. Not even straight white Christian men. The coming out thing...I dunno...I've said it before, but I'll share my thoughts here too. It's not (or needn't be) like some big event or party where you go around telling everyone, so they understand every aspect about you. Nobody will *ever* understand *every* aspect about you! Being in the closet is about taking steps to safeguard that nobody will discover your sexuality...being out is simply about ceasing taking those steps. If when people ask if you have a boyfriend, you say "not yet...not a girlfriend yet either". If when people talk about your future husband, you say "mmm, maybe, or wife...or partner". If you *do* date a woman at some point, then so long as you do so openly, not hiding the fact that she's a woman, speaking openly and using the correct pronouns for the person you love. These are tiny steps of outness. And you needn't even get all of them right every time. Progress as you progress. And before you know it, you'll be out...not because everyone knows you are bisexual, but because you *feel* out. Interesting. How people *see* your sexuality is *their* business. Your sexuality is *your* business. Don't take your cues from them, or you'll always be miserable (not just regarding sexuality, but regarding everything in life). Screw how people perceive *anything*...worry about making *you* happy. This is your life...yours. Live it. The reasons you gave sound like reasons to perhaps resent your bisexuality (I've had those moments too); not reasons to reject it or not accept that you are bisexual. My advice would be to stop worrying about the label and the identity, and *just* pursue who you're attracted to...openly and without apology to yourself or others. Good luck in any case. *hugs*
