Hi, I've been seriously questioning for about 3-4 months, and I feel like I'm just going around in circles. I'm posting to possibly get some clarity, and to see if anybody else can relate. Some days I feel fairly sure that I might be a lesbian, and then other days I just don't know or I think maybe not. My main concerns are: * I'm overthinking my sexuality, and as a result, I'll get it wrong. * I'm viewing being with a woman from a 'grass in greener' perspective, having only been in relationships with men before. A future with relationships with men feels a bit dull, whereas pursuing a relationship with a woman feels like an exciting prospect (and a bit scary). For the past year and a half, I've only really thought and fantasied about being in relationships with women. At the moment, I can't really see myself seeking another relationship with a man. However, when I imagine being with a woman day-to-day, I'm not sure if I can see it as part of my life. Similarly, in the past, when I've heard stories about people coming out, I've always admired their bravery and been a little bit envious of it, and just thought that it isn't going to be part of my life. I'm not sure whether that makes sense! I'm also worried that I'm reading too much into my past. For example: * When I was a teen, I had crushes on boys in my year at school, but I never imagined or wanted to do anything with them. * I wasn't into boy bands, etc. and could never really understand why my friends were so interesting in boys. * The first person that I did imagine myself kissing, etc. was a woman. This was in my very late-teens, and I can remember feeling a bit uncomfortable about it at first, and telling myself it was wrong. * In retrospect, I can identify possible other crushes. Like the friend who I called my wife, and got jealous when I saw her laughing with other female friends, because I wanted her to be my best friend (in my early-20s). * In my first relationship (in my early-20's), I was relieved that I finally had a boyfriend, and the novelty was exciting and I liked his personality, but I don't think I fancied him as such. There are other 'hints', but I don't want to make this too long. At times I feel that being a lesbian makes so much sense, and feels 'right'. Like I've been trying so hard to mold myself into somebody I'm not all my life, and I've finally found what I've been looking for. Other times, I question myself, and I think that I'm just overthinking it and I should just forget about it. I'm just going to see how it goes, and if these thoughts do go away or not.
Hey NotMyName, Some questions for you: Are you currently with a guy? If so, do you think he might be open to you exploring the possibility that you might be into women? No need to put a label on it yet. You're just starting to figure things out. And I want to congratulate you on starting the questioning process. Starting that is key and it takes courage, so you should be proud of that. What if I told you that there is no right or wrong answer? There is no box stored away in some kind of Gringott's bank with The One True Answer to NotMyName's Sexuality in it. Questioning is a process of learning about yourself, questioning what you may have taken for granted perhaps all or most of your life. What if I told you that no two women are the same? I identify as a lesbian, but I wouldn't be with some woman just to be with a woman. I identify as a lesbian because when I kiss a woman I'm attracted to, I feel my body going into overdrive and I want more of her. I experience sexual desire for women in ways that focus on her as a woman rather than on her as a set of body parts. I identify as a lesbian because the sex I've had with women has unilaterally been better and far more arousing and involving for me than the vast majority of sexual encounters I've had with men. I identify as a lesbian because I fall head over heels in love with women who fascinate me. And I identify as a lesbian because the women I'm attracted to are usually attracted to me on some level; with men, I only wanted the ones I couldn't have. And lord knows I haven't exactly been a prude… What would be the consequences of you being "wrong" about your sexuality? Are you afraid of your own self-judgment? If you explore your sexuality with other women, and you find out it's not for you, then you will have learned something more about yourself. What have you got to lose? I'd say that the fear you feel about being with a woman is the most reliable sign that you should try it. Often, fear of intimacy with someone (as opposed to being disinterested in and unwanting of it) comes from feeling vulnerable. That's why it's easy to flirt with someone you're not attracted to, while flirting with someone you are attracted to is so much more difficult. If it gets intense, it gets your head spinning and you can't think or be that confident version of yourself that you might otherwise be. No one knows what the future holds. So, what is it that you can't see yourself doing or having as part of your life? As mentioned earlier, no two women are the same. What I see in your post is a fear that expresses itself in a need to know what to expect and wanting things to be nice and tidy. In other words: I think you want control. I think you want control through understanding yourself so that you can find predictability and thus prepare for life and the future. Well, all control is illusory. I can tell from your writing that you're a very reflected person; what do you think would happen if you simply let it go? *Cue Frozen theme song* I understand your envy. I felt the same before coming out myself. Here's the kicker: There is nothing to stop you from being brave yourself. I think you're brave just for facing your questioning process and coming on here to ask questions! You're opening yourself up to strangers on an online forum and only God knows what we might tell you, right? Now, remember this: Every single person who has come out of the closet ever has had to face their fear. They were not unafraid—that's not what bravery and courage is about. But they chose to go through with it and embrace who they were and are anyway. That is a simple question of what you are willing to do. If you want to come out, you can do it. Nothing's stopping you except yourself. I think it's great that you're reflecting on your past, but we sometimes put too much confidence in it. Your sexuality may have been constant and repressed, or fluid, or it may have shifted. These things happen. There is no guarantee that your past holds the answer you're looking for. Besides, our interpretations of our personal pasts are biased anyway. You can only find out who you are by exploring yourself and your sexuality in the present. Do that and things from your past may make more or less sense to you afterwards. That's OK, though. Your personal history doesn't have to be seamless. Most people's isn't. Oh don't worry about making it long. It's always interesting to read other people's reflections on their questioning process. Tell us about the other hints. Is there a particular woman you're attracted to at the moment? I can really relate to feeling like you've been trying to mold yourself, though. I felt that way too. I can only tell you that to me, shedding the many layers comprising the narrative of "who I was" was a long process, one that was incredibly liberating: People had been telling me who I was all my life in order to try to control who I was. Why? No idea. Maybe because who I truly was challenged their comfortable views on gender, sexuality, the world, life, love, who knows? People like the illusion of knowing what boxes to put people in, because it makes them feel like they're in control. The truth is no one is ever in control of anything except their own actions—if that. I would encourage you to simply keep exploring and questioning. Seize the courage that will offer you the freedom to be who you are, no matter what conclusion you arrive at. I hope this helps and I hope you'll keep sharing your process with us.
Hi PlaidGlove, Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate your insight. I think this is spot on. It's not something I'm ever going to completely get over though, because that's just not who I am. When I said that I've been picturing myself in relationships with women, it's not just any woman. I can't really explain it, but I would say that, broadly, I have a 'type'. The friend I mentioned having identified a retrospective crush on would fit perfectly, and she fascinated me. I can sort of understand this. I have often felt that once a man liked me too, much of the excitement was gone. I used to feel fear about being with guys too, though. Not quite the same kind of fear. It was more terrified; a fear of the unknown (i.e. how to kiss, etc.), and the prospect of being made fun of (when I was at school). I think it's the idea of having to backtrack if I'd already told people, and it turned out I was wrong. I suppose it's more that I don't know whether I'd actually have the nerve to come out, rather than what I can't see having as part of my life. I've always been concerned about what other people think, and I've never been a rule-breaker. I guess I'm not sure if it's really me. As for other hints; I've never really felt the repulsion about being with a woman, that many of my friends have claimed to feel. Also, when you say... To be honest, I've never felt this for a man. I've never really gotten into it like that. With one boyfriend, I can actually remember thinking that it would've been easier to get into it if he were a woman. You've given me a lot to think about, and I will keep questioning. Thank you again.
