Hey everyone. So for the past few weeks, I have felt kinda better about these thoughts. I was barely thinking about the guy that I think I "like", and that made me happy. I checked out some gay artwork and I didn't get aroused from it (it took me a while to get the result I wanted). I was at such a high. Today though, I am low again. I was not around the guy mentioned above for a while. I was happy not to see him b/c I didn't need to worry about my reactions around him. That was when the thoughts calmed down. However, in cooking class, he spoke to me and my face got warm. The room was hot, as when I stepped into the hallway, I felt much cooler. I dropped my food and my face was burning. Could my reactions around him be more social anxiety? I don't like attention on me. Could I be psyching myself out around him? When I talk to someone new, I get nervous. It happened yesterday at a restaurant. The past few reactions around the guy have been okay. I didn't feel nervous or whatever; he was actually annoying af. But today I'm stuck. I can't see myself with him, but I can't escape the constant thoughts of "Am I gay or bi?" / "Do I like him?". I'm at the point where I have had some thoughts of killing or harming myself b/c I can't figure out my sexuality. I was in a car park and I wondered if I could die from jumping over the ledge. I know this isn't the right place to discuss all this, but I feel weird talking to my family about it. They never bring it up, so I never tell. I feel weird telling my friends b/c I feel selfish putting my issues on them. I don't want to contact another forum site b/c I will feel like I am not as mentally messed up as another person and I'll diminish my issues. My friend said I may be bipolar, but I can't see it. I don't have changing moods a lot of the time. I guess it's just this one time. I envy those who are happy and love who they are; I hate who I am (not all of me). I don't feel depressed, but what do I know? Thanks for reading; I'm sorry that I do this.
