I'm really confused as to what my sexual orientation might be? Up to till I was 13, I always thought I was straight, but multiple things happened that made me start questioning it? My physical attraction towards guys has always been determined by their personality, do I never knew what to answer when I was asked what I found physically attractive about guys(which felt stressful). Then I started realizing that I found people with a androgynous appearance very attractive, but I always felt conflicted about not knowing their gender. I had always felt disappointed when I found out they were a girl, but that sort of ended up changing? I became close friends with this girl, though we haven't knew each other for long. She felt like a kindred spirit, or a soul mate. She'll always hug because I'm cute(I'm really short and look younger than my age..) and I've been, "ehh, okay, whatever " about them. I never got a lot of hugs, and I never really enjoyed them that much, but I didn't dislike them. One day she cut hair short(it used to be really long) and I found her attractive? Like I could feel myself blushing, and I couldn't stop looking at her. I didn't feel uncomfortable about though? She was just someone who i'll always feel comfortable around. This attraction didn't last very long. It lasted for maybe like a week or less, and I sort of stopped admiring her appearance. During that time the hugs started feeling enjoyable , I started giving her hugs, and hugging back. Though without the attraction, hugs were still always enjoyable, and started enjoying hugs from other people, even from those who I didn't know very well. I guess I just sort of had this silly personal grudge against hugs before. One night I had an erotic dream about her, but I wasn't disgusted at all about, I felt the exact opposite. Then I thought that maybe I liked her as more than a friend?(fyi this is how I end up liking people sometimes, I question how it would be, and then it's just like, Bam! You like them!) I started having romantic feeling towards her. I tried to push it back, but then I just felt really tired about it? Like I've done this more than once, and doing it again made me remember about maybe other potential romantic feeling I could of had towards other friends. So I was like, "whatever, i'll let it be" because I was really tired of it, I just sort gave up on fighting it. Over time I felt like rather I like romantically or just platonically became very blurred? Liking her romantically now didn't that much different feel much than before. We were both already very affectionate with each other, we would hug, give kisses(like on the cheek or forehead), and say, "I love you". I knew she saw me as a sister, so I knew she didn't mean it that way, and meant it in a platonic way. I always meant as in I like the kind of person she was. I asked myself if I would date her. I thought yes, though nothing would really change .It was wasn't like I really wanted to date her, it just that I wouldn't mind, and it'll probably be nice. Then I asked if I would do it with her, and I thought, yes, it would pleasant and enjoyable, but it wasn't like an urge. We ended drifting apart. At first I thought I was straight, and maybe she was just a special exception. And then later I thought, "you know what, I may not be straight and that's fine." We eventually drifted apart, and I feel like my attraction became stronger. During that time I became friends with this trans guy. We shared a P.E class sophomore year. He presented as a female during that year. Sometimes I'll look at him from afar and notice that he had a very nice body shape. He was tall, slim and nicely curved. I've pushed it off my mind whenever it came up. One day He cut his super short, and I found it very attractive especially with his body shape and all. I tried so hard to ignore it, cause I feel I couldn't even look at him without blushing and staring. It faded over a few days, and once I was reminded that this guy can not handle frustration very well. I think I always liked his slim body though. Junior year he ended up transferring to my English class, and found out he started using male pronouns. If he said he was a boy, then I'll see him as one.I ended up feeling really attracted to him again.(I also found out he's a really admiring person) It feels like something that goes off and on. I didn't want to be nervous around him, so I tried to push it back but I also miss finding someone attractive cause I just don't find a lot of people attractive, if so it was just something that's very fleeting. Going to when I was small. When I was about 8-9 years old I've had sexual experiences with this other girl(though we didn't really know what we were doing) I enjoyed it, but we stopped because I was afraid of getting caught. I'm just really confused. I've never paid attention to looks, until recently. I tried to pay more attention(maybe be to much) in hopes of figuring out my sexuality, and so far it just feels like something that sways a lot. I might be more interested in boys one week, but then girls the next. I could find a girl attractive, but not think so a few days later. I know I could romantically attracted to anyone, I'm pretty sure of that. For guys I think I just need to be romantically attracted to the person, or like their personality(really just based off my perspective of the person), just so that the physical attraction could stay, or else I just lose attraction to them in less than a week or two. I'm not sure if this would be the case for girls, because I feel like the first girl I mentioned was just a different case entirely compared to all the other people I liked, and I still do like her. I'm just the sort of person of who'll just have eyes for that one person( well to an extent, I just wouldn't have a serious crush on someone while I liked someone else) I feel like this post is confusing as I feel I am. >.> Tbh I'm not sure if my sexuality is about liking girls or having to romantically like the person to maintain physical attraction or to become physically attracted. Maybe I'm overthinking this
