My school is having a "mental health week" where they've been having optional lunchtume talks in the library about handling exam stress and such. Tommorows talk is to support lgbt students. This is the only such thing I've seen in my school so far and I feel like like actually going to a talk in real life might comfort me. However I'm not out at all... and in fact I'm a little scared of my friends knowing because I do not want to freak out this lesbian couple I'm friends with who seem to suspect that I've crushed on both of them and have previously been sort of on edge about it. I've sorta stablised the situation and our friendship is fine, but Im not ready to be properly open yet. So my plan was, to sit in an inconspicuous place in the library and pretend to be working and maybe if no-one i'm friends with is there I might get some courage to ask questions and such. I'm still bothered that my hurrying my lunch to go to the library will alert my friends though... So I thought I'd just make a post so I feel some sort of obligation to follow through and go no matter what, because I feel like this mental health week was definitely for people like me - I feel a little unstable as of this year.
First of all congratulations on considering going. I really think you should go. I am sure you will find the support you need and maybe the strength to take that first step towards coming out to more people. As an out (and proud) bisexual girl who have had some unwanted attention by girls I wasn't into, I can tell you that I would feel TERRIBLE and quite frankly horrified to hear that I may be the reason why someone is scarred of coming out and finding the support they need and I am sure the lesbian couple you refer to would too. They've been through it as well and I highly doubt they would rather see you miserable and in the closet than have to face the fact that you may have had a crush on them. You have apparently solved the ''crush'' problem with them anyway so there is no reason for you to hold back. If you do not want to participate or don't feel like coming out of the closet then definitely go through with the plan you have and sit somewhere nearby so you can listen and find out who are the other LGBT people in your school are and potentially befriend them later on. About your friend they may think that's a bit odd but invent a big exam or something along those lines and I am sure they'll shrug their shoulders. Good luck though and I hope this is only the beginning of your coming out journey ! (*hug*)
Thank you so much for your response. That was very helpful. Yes I'm sure they would want me to be happy and come out. I do think the one I've been friends with for less time though still gets edgey sometimes... they've been arguing a little recently (I think they sorted it out) and just trying to comfort my older friend seemed to freak out the other one. But she never seems angry at me. We actually got closer during that time and she keeps telling me how much of a good person I am haha. I keep wondering if that is because she feels bad when she's thinking the worst of me and then I turn round and be nice to her too. So yeah, I've got past the stage of them being ultra edgey around me all the time and I've got past the stage of feeling the need to avoid them for my own sake but I still feel it on occasion. I will go along with the plan. I can't make up an exam they know for sure I don't have one. Theres a geography exam and I sure as hell don't do geography. But I think I've decided I can leave my stuff in the library before lunch, then say I need to go back there to finish my homework quickly before my lesson. Simples.
Ugh.. I just wrote a long update and lost it. I went to the talk. The speaker from a local lgbt support group didn't turn up somehow and they made my old history teacher draft a speech up this morning. He was pretty good and obviously had a lot of support supporting trans students and really cared about making people understand. But I felt a bit robbed when I realised he was just mentioning sexuality for 10 minutes at the end like an afterthought. I understand that people probably understand that more but... I wanted equal support since its mental health week. At least I feel sure that teachers aren't judging me for my sort of wacky tomboyish expression. There were some really confident girls two years below me who were debateling bi-erasure or something with him afterwards. So timid me, unable to participate in the confidence levels, just dissapeared into the back of the library. While hiding I discovered the new copy of Elle UK with Lea seydoux on the cover. I was reading about her saying she was depressed about 10 years ago and thinking "yeah I feel like that sometimes". I let the teacher leave and I didn't even get any of the leaflets and I ran outside to call my mother to ask her to buy me the magazine.. but I chickened out because shes got really funny about my fangirling over Lea before. Now I just feel really sad which really was not what I was aiming for. Pfft obviously I was right, this mental health week was definitely aimed at me - look how unstable I am.
