Hi all, I'm not really sure where to start, but I guess I'm going through a bit of a crisis at the minute. I'll start off by saying I've always identified as straight and didn't really give it much thought until I was 21. I was in a gay bar with some friends and in the heat of the moment kissed another guy. At the time I put it down to being drunk and carried on with my life as normal. Fast forward 4 years... At this point I've been engaged to a woman for 2 1/2 years and everything seems to be going great, until something changes that I can't quite put my finger on. All of a sudden I find myself making the transition to masturbating to gay porn, I lose interest in having sex with my fiancé and almost completely lose my physical attraction to her. Needless to say the relationship wasn't doing well. Fast forward another year... Somehow the relationship is still intact and life is carrying on with some semblance of normalcy, although now my dreams and thoughts are constantly infiltrated by guys. I'm finding lots of guys attractive and my attraction to any women at all is almost completely gone. A few months later my Dad died very unexpectedly and that brought me to where I am now... I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, my relationship broke down completely, I've lost my job and moved back home. On top of all of that I have this issue with my sexuality constantly bubbling under the surface. Growing up my Dad was very homophobic, and his passing (although I loved him very much and miss him dearly) seems to have given me more freedom to seriously think about my sexuality and not feel ashamed about the kinds of pornography I watch or the people I'm attracted to. I'm not really sure what my question is, I just feel like my brain is going a mile a minute. I guess I'm wondering if anybody has any similar experiences? It's almost like a switch just flicked a couple of years ago and boom, I'm gay.
Your right that's a lot going on. I know the feeling of having that much going on in my head. Our stories are a little different though, when I was 18 I knew that I was straight, despite the fact that I had been sexual with twice as many guys as girls. The thought that I was anything other than straight had never entered my mind even though I was currently in a 3 year long relationship with another guy and we were planning our life together after he graduated. Then one day when we were started talking about a hot guy that we had just seen, he made the statement "If I didn't know better I would say we were gay". Immediately I knew that I was gay, it was like a switch was flipped. Later I realized that I'm actually bi, but that's another story. Now I'm 45 and have been in a hetero marriage for 20 years, and I love my wife with all my heart, but I find myself desperate for the touch of another man. I guess I also need to mention that I'm poly, and she's monogamous, so there is a big difference in our outlook on life. One that causes a bunch of tension between us. But I promised her I would stay monogamous, and I will because I will not lose her, but I'm trying to figure out how to convince her to try and look at things as if she was poly also. So, see what your going through is rather normal. Unfortunately there isn't a normal answer to what is bothering you. The best I can say is take it one day at a time, one problem at a time. If you try and solve it all at once it will be overwhelming, as you've found. But each small problem is doable. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk, or have questions.
