Do you reckon someone who's straight would feel this way?

Hi,

I know you're all probably really tired about threads like this but I don't really know what to do. I'm super confused about my sexuality. I've been thinking about it everyday for the past 7 months but I'm still really confused. At first I was "heterosexual by default" and then I thought I was asexual because I didn't want to have sex with men. Suddenly the thought "what if I actually like women?" showed up in my head and since then I haven't been able to let it go. The more I thought about it the more correct it felt. For the first time in my life I started to experience a more constant desire for sex. So I thought "hey, maybe I'm bisexual" and I guess that's what I've been thinking lately. However, I sometimes wonder if I'm actually gay. I still can't wrap my mind around all of this though so I've made a list of what things are like for me. Maybe someone could help me make sense of this?

- I'm 25 years old and in that time I've had three serious boyfriends (currently in a relationship with one of them).

- I think I like girls.

- I have never been in a relationship with a girl.

- I can probably count the times in my life that I've felt like I want to have sex with guys on one hand.

- Sex has been a massive problem in all of my relationships. It's a big problem in the one I'm currently in as well.

- I love my boyfriend (at least I think I do) and I've been in love with guys.

- I've never been in love with a girl (I've had small crushes though) but I'm guessing that's because I never even realised I could be attracted to women before. Why? See next point.

- I grew up in a religious family where sex and sexuality was taboo. It was only talked about it two ways: 1) "homosexuality is wrong" (which I don't agree with by the way), and 2) "don't have sex before you get married". It feels like the church I grew up in thought that all expression of one's sexual being was impure and I therefore think I simply didn't think of sex or my sexual orientation. I was "heterosexual by default" because I was supposed to be heterosexual. I honestly feel like I'm discovering my sexuality for the first time now, at 25, which is sad and something I'm a bit ashamed of.

- Since I realised I like girls I've had more sexual thoughts and sexual desire than ever before (in total).

- I didn't understand why people like porn until I realised I might like girls and looked at lesbian porn. Now I think I understand the appeal.

- I can easily spend hours fantasising about what it would be like to have a girlfriend and what it would be like to cuddle her, hold her hand, kiss her, just look at her and tell her how beautiful she is, watch movies with her, have sex with her, etc.

- I don't feel like I want to have sex with men (there have been a few exceptions - like I said, about a handful of times) and it's been like that since as long as I can remember. I feel open to having romantic (but not really sexual) relationships with guys though. I feel like I want to have both sexual and romantic relationships with women even though I don't know if I'd dare to have sex with anyone right now (because of low self-esteem and body issues).

- Sometimes I worry that I'm imagining all the same-sex attraction. I also worry that maybe the attraction and the "curiosity" will disappear for some reason.

Seriously, do you reckon someone who's straight would feel this way? I know I'm the only one who can label my sexuality but I'm just really confused. My boyfriend knows about all of this by the way and we're currently trying to decide whether or not to stay together, which makes all of this really difficult. Would really appreciate your thoughts on this. Let me know if you have any advice.

Thank you!

 

But what about the fact that I think I've fallen in love with people of the opposite sex (even though I haven't really felt like I want to have sex with them)?

Anyway, you're right. I feel like I should explore this side of myself but I'm really afraid of making a mistake by breaking up with my boyfriend.