Hello all, Apologies for posting again. I just want to summarize my thoughts, for my own benefit really, and then I can hopefully stop thinking about it so much! So, I know I had crushes on guys when I was at school. Did I used to think about kissing them? Yes, in an anxious, 'I won't know what to do and everybody else has already done it' way. Was I into boy bands, etc and did I have celebrity crushes? No. Throughout the final two years of school, and the whole of college and university, did I have any crushes on guys in my classes? Not at all. Why? Because I'd decided that I only liked guys who were more than two years or so, older than me. So, was that just a convenient excuse? Possibly, but I had crushes on guys at my weekend job. Did I ever fantasize about them? I can't remember! I can't even remember their names, to be honest. What did I fantasize about? Prior to university, I can't remember, but I know it wasn't very successful. At university, I can remember fantasizing about another woman for the first time. I felt a bit uncomfortable with it at first. Anything else happen at university? I met an out lesbian for the first time. I can remember watching a film with her and her girlfriend, and feeling very uncomfortable, sort of like there was a joke that I wasn't in on. Did I have any crushes whilst at university? Yes, on a different guy from my weekend job. Did I fantasize about him? I used to think about marrying him and having children, but I knew that we weren't really suited to each other. I was self-aware enough to recognize that I was attracted to the idea, not the person. Anybody else? In retrospect, I possibly had a crush on a female colleague. I found her fascinating. Would I have considered the possibility of being attracted to women at this time? No, I was determined to meet a guy, have children, etc. Since then? I've had one long term relationship with a man. We've had some really great times and I can remember thinking that I'd found my happily ever after. But... * We've had some issues and at times it feels like our relationship is just for outside appearances. I'm not particularly excited about our future together. * In retrospect there are times when I probably should have ended it, or at least raised that I wan't happy, but I didn't because I didn't want to risk the relationship. So, why was the relationships existence more important to me, than its quality? * I can actually only remember wanting him once. He'd just shaved his beard off. I've wanted to want him, though. * At first sex was interesting and exciting, as it was new. It's been enjoyable, but not really satisfactory. I've wanted to be into it, but never really have been. I'm always thinking about what I should be doing, that it's too cold, that the washing needs to hung up, etc. Honestly, I mostly now try to avoid it. * Did I fancy him at first? I don't know. I liked his personality. I also liked being able to tell people I had a boyfriend. I don't think I felt secure in being straight, and liked that I could prove it. So, what's happened? We went through a bit of a rough patch, and I started imagining myself in a happier relationships, always with a woman. I thought that I was probably bi. What triggered the serious questioning? I ran into the female colleague I mentioned possibly having had a crush on in retrospect, and my first thought was that she had a fantastic smile. I panicked and ran. It's silly, but I've been thinking about her a lot. Thinking about it, I've never successfully fantasized about just having sex with a man. I've tried to force it, though. It just doesn't do much for me. Normally, for me, there are men and women involved. So, what now? I really don't know, but about a month ago something clicked. I've been thinking about women a lot more and it really turns me on. Also, the other issues in my current relationship suddenly seem a lot less significant than this. But, my current relationship feels safe and secure, so is it worth risking? Sometimes I think it might be, and I want to be out the other side already. Do I wish I could test my attraction for women without ending my current relationship first? Yes. Is that going to happen? No. Will I regret it, if I don't give it a go? Right now, I think I probably would. However, I'm still not entirely comfortable with my attraction to women. I can't imagine admitting it in real life. Now that's all written down, I won't have it going round and round my head anymore!
Just wanted to say I have been thru pretty much all you've described. I experimented with a male friend while very young, and while I enjoyed it, I felt massive guilt about the whole thing. Used to always think how I didn't want to be gay cuz I felt I was supposed to get married, have kids, all that good stuff. I remember being drawn to some guys, but never gave it any thought that it was attraction. But at 16, I crushed hard on a straight male friend. I can still picture him clear as day. That was eye opening because it was the first time I had conscious same sex attraction. Even tho I've done the married and kids thing, over the years I've found those feelings just never go away. I used to wonder myself if I was just making too much of those feelings, and that they weren't really real. I remember getting in arguments with ex and wondering if all our turmoil was fueled by the underlying idea that I'm *supposed* to be with a guy. I think most of the relationship was me trying to just fill the role and do the things I felt I was supposed to do, I feel that every aspect of my life has been severely impacted by my "trying not to be gay". I've always been very quiet, untrusting of others, terribly self conscious, and I've not had a single person I really would consider a friend in over 20 years. If there's any advice that could be given, it would just be to live your life to make *you* happy. Nobody lines up to justify themselves to you, and as such, you don't owe anyone anything. Sexuality, while it seems like such a huge thing sometimes, is such a small part of who we are as a person. We owe it to ourselves to be the best version of "us" that we can possibly be. With those things in mind, it has begun to make acceptance of, and embracing my sexuality much easier.
Thanks for your reply. I do feel like I entered my relationship with lots of ideas about how it should be, and I've spent a lot of time getting upset and frustrated about any shortcomings. Since I've been questioning though, that's sort of melted away. I feel that we're getting on better day-to-day. I don't know, but possibly I now understand why we've never had the closeness and connection, that I've felt we should have. This is completely true, of course. I will try to keep it in mind!
