I'm really new here, and I'm not really sure how to start. I think I'm here because I think I might be gay. I think that it is true...but I cannot bring myself to admit it or even type it in a sentence. I think about it all the time and it's beginning to consume my thoughts completely. Whenever I even think about saying it aloud (not to anyone, just myself) I immediately feel nauseous like I'm going to vomit. I'm a 22 year old male but I've been questioning this part of myself for a very long time. I've never been with a girl in any way. Since my early teens people have questioned my sexuality in a variety of different ways: openly to my face, through messages, and even creating fake accounts online to preserve their own anonymity...but whenever and however I was questioned, I blatantly denied it. I've always felt a little different than most of my peers growing up, and I often feel very isolated and very confused about this part of myself. I have been feeling more isolated, confused, and sad the past two days and it's not getting any better. I didn't ask for this. I want to be okay with it, but I don't know how. It's driving me crazy and I don't know what to do.
Internalised homophobia strikes again. I'm really sorry to hear that you feel this way... This is going to sound totally insensitive but literally everyone here will agree that there is nothing wrong with you at all. Nobody chooses their sexuality or gender and it can be a hard life when you don't quite fit what society defines as the norm. But when you look deeper, nobody really fits the norm, be it in terms of LGBTQ+ issues or otherwise. You say that you felt different growing up, and so did a lot of people here, myself included, so (without meaning to sound patronising) you've actually done really well to come to this website and I hope you find the support that you need here. I understand that you feel/have felt isolated, but hopefully you coming here can change that a little, because many of the people here seem to have stories like yours. You're not alone at all, and if it makes you feel any better, it's very unlikely that all of the people you know in real life are straight. If you're struggling to accept it, then maybe you could try bringing some positive LGBTQ+ influences into your life? Even if it's just something like reading a book or watching a TV show/film with a canon gay couple in a healthy relationship, it can help. Personally, I recently found a show with a bisexual character who is treated very well by the narrative and I cannot describe how happy it makes me to see his sexuality celebrated not only by the show but also by the fans, so even something as small-sounding as that is not insignificant at all, and can definitely help you on the road to accepting yourself. I can't say that I have loads of recommendations myself, but if you wish I can provide you with the short list that I do have. And if you look on the Entertainment and Media thread, there's probably several recommendations scattered about on there. Hope my idea helps, and I also really hope that you feel happier in yourself soon. Just remember that this site is a good place for any support that you need!
I'm glad you are here. I knew young who I was but struggled not because of myself and feelings but the indoctrinated BS around me. It can be a struggle and frustrating as hell. Feel free to ask what's on your mind. You can post anonymous or send a private message to the staff.
To follow up what Emerald Eyes said - I too think accessing positive LGBT stories and films can help to bash away some of the internalised homophobia. You've had a whole lifetime of reading and seeing nothing but straight relationships depicted on TV, film, books - except of course when they do show LGBT lives but they end badly. I write, and I was absolutely horrified when a supposedly highly recommended book about plot development listed LGBT stories under the heading 'forbidden romance', along with adultery (!) and then said the only plot you could have was a romance or relationship that ended badly, or with death. Well that's nice. I recommended a few films to someone else on here recently who was in a similar position to you. They did help him, but they also churned up a lot of emotions. So initially they made him feel happy, and then I think frightened, because it became more of a real possibility. Overall though I'd say they helped. Recommended: - Shelter (2007) ultimate feel good film with a gay character and a questioning character. Almost everyone seems to love it, and it's not just about coming out etc. - The Weekend (UK) a romance that could just as easily have been a hetero-romance. - Lilting (UK) OK, doesn't have a happy ending exactly, but is a rather beautiful film. - Plan B (Marco Berger). Romcom with a twist. Not amazing, but okay. - Hawaii (Marco Berger). Very sparse, rather lovely story. - Angels of Sex. Very uplifting story about alternative ways to love. Not po*n despite the title!
EmeraldEyes, thank you so much for your response. I have never heard the term internalised homophobia before so I did some Googling and came across a really interesting article. It discussed and described a lot of what I’m feeling now, and it was actually really comforting to know that nothing is my fault, and that other people are experiencing the same things. I actually feel a lot better after writing this post and getting something about myself out there instead of internalising it. It is really comforting reading other peoples’ posts who are describing the same issues and it makes me feel less isolated and marginalised. There is a TV show that I have been watching recently that I really really like, and I credit watching that show for giving me the courage to come to a web site like this and talk. It’s called “The Real O’Neals”, and it’s about an American family who tries to maintain the facade of the “perfect family”. When their teenage son comes out as gay the family must then adjust to each other’s truths and live a real life instead of maintaining a fake facade. What I love about the show is how incredibly normalised Kenny is. His homosexuality is not presented as abnormal in any way. The show is told entirely through Kenny’s point of view, and it’s refreshing to have a story told through the eyes of a young gay teen who is navigating the world post-coming out. It is a sitcom so there is an element of comedy present, but there are serious and important moments like confronting his homophobic grandmother, or the process of coming out, etc. It depicts these moments with a maturity and sophistication I have never seen in the TV shows before, and it is very well done. I will definitely take a look at the Entertainment and Media thread to see what people are discussing there. Films have always been a means of coping and an escape from reality for me, so I’d love to hear what films you’d recommend. Once again, thank you so much for your kind and reassuring words.
