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Confused and ashamed about everything that I am

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by HereKittyKitty, May 22, 2016.

  1. HereKittyKitty

    Regular Member

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    With most things in my life I am confused about who I am. Now traditionally I'm not one for labels we we're all people after all, though some of us are part unicorn and that can't be helped but I am nearly thirty years old and beside feeling like an old maid I am confused about who I am and not only that but I am ashamed of certain things about me that I have secret up until now and honestly I am petrified of admitting them because of the booing and hissing and shaming I might get. Or even the feeling of other reading this and screwing up their noses going "ew disgusting" it makes me feel really self conscious. Anyway to get to the point ...

    I have always been attracted to women, I think it started around twelve when I first noticed I was finding myself curious about sex and I was looking at girls I was attracted to. In all honesty I have never really had that many female friends because oddly enough I don't typically get along with other females, I think I know why but I'll save that for another time and resume with this novella. When I was a week or so away from turning fourteen I was raped by a man that was a family friend, from there on out I was repulsed by the idea of having sex with a man, my attraction to females remained and I discovered I really had a fondness for breasts and nipples in particular.

    I have had both female and male partners and I have had intercourse with both and even still to this day I am still repulsed by having sex with men, yeah sur once you get over the fear and anxiety, if they know what they are doing it feels good for a few seconds but before and after I feel sick to my stomach, I hate the feeling of it but I'm ok with a having intercourse with a woman using toys...I am guessing that my distaste for men is a result of my trauma.

    My father left me and my siblings and mother when I was four, he went off and started a new family and had sons so he was all proud and happy with that, my mother was and still is a heavy drug and alcohol addict and growing up with her was not easy. I was too addicted to drugs and alcohol by the time I was sixteen, though I don't do either now, back then I was always high on something or heavily intoxicated. My first girlfriend Ness was bad for me, she encouraged me to keep using, eventually I had enough and quit her and drugs/booze cold turkey. Ahhh not really sure how any of that actually matters but I feel as if anything I can reveal about my past may help in you helping me finding out who I am....if that makes sense.

    As I was saying. My relationships have been very short when it came to being with females. All my significant long term relationships have been with verbally or physically abusive men. I would have sex with them maybe for the first couple of months and then cut it off, probably sounds cruel but I can't reiterate how much I hate sex with men, I don't even like being touched, hugged, kissed by them it makes me shudder and feel like I will be sick HOWEVER....For a reason that I can not explain I get aroused by man on man gay porn, I do a lot of roleplaying (ah the kind in forums, facebook and such) And I ALWAYS end up roleplaying as a guy in a homosexual relationship and I get aroused by those interactions, I watch movies and porn featuring those relationships, I even have fiction books on the subject and I love it...but wait my mind gets even more confusing...

    This is the part I am ashamed of and it scares me to even write it but if I want help I need to be brave so here goes nothing...

    I have a very deep...DEEP Daddy Kink. Not the incest kind the Dom Daddy kind but...it is limited to both male and female homosexual relationships. I have tried to broaden my horizons and such but honestly that heterosexual DD/LG lifestyle does nothing for me, I am neither turned on nor repulsed and this is what is most confusing for me....Is there such thing as a Lesbian Daddy? cause I think THINK that is what I am...

    The idea of being called Daddy turns me on, I like to be in control, feel wanted, I like the idea of calling a sub baby, baby girl, Kitten etc but at the same time I am turned off by whiney, soft and shy females which is in general what most LG types are like. I'm firm and yet loving and affectionate. Though I appreciate a bit of light bondage I am turned off but heavy BDSM slash dominatrix style stuff yet like biting and scratching, marking, hair pulling, commanding yet I am also turned on by the idea of being another woman's LG too .....Can you see why I am so confused?:bang::confused:

    I am neither a girly girl or a tomboy though I am more like "one of the boys" I don't dress in a neither feminine or masculine way but the way I think and my personality makes me feel as is I am a man in a woman's body. I have an elevated sexual desire. I think about sex probably more often then most men do. I don't know how to be romantic and if someone flirted with me I would have no idea, I would be oblivious to the fact. Though I can be very loving and protective and kind I wouldn't know where to take someone on a date or how to be flattering nor charming for that matter which makes me pretty pissed off because all I end up showing is that I can't control my libido :tantrum:

    I am really so lost I mean I just don't know why I am the way I am I don't know why or how or anything I'm confused about so much and I feel like I don't fit in. I feel ashamed and embarrassed and frustrated :tears: I know that they say that everyone has their flaws but mine seem to run deep and everything I have mentioned is only the surface without involving the rest of my issues. Seriously I just....I really feel like I'm going to drive myself crazy....
     
  2. idsm

    Full Member

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    I don´t really know what to say, but (*hug*).

    Most people have some kind of weird (to them) kink and think that they are the only person in the world, but that´s usually not the case. If I´ve learned something on the net is that there is ALWAYS someone out there who thinks/does/prefers the exact same thing that you do.

    All that aside, you seem to have had a pretty painful past. Have you ever talked to someone about it?