Gay shame as a transguy.

Overcoming shame is about as much in my court as self-propelled aviation. But even so...

The one advice I can give you is to do what you're good at, and think. You've made a good start here, now it's time to apply the critique proper. Why are you ashamed? What is it that's making you ashamed or afraid of your attraction to other males?
As members of the queer community, we are natural norm breakers. First, take a moment to accept that. We aren't 'normal', normal being the adjective form of the word 'norm', signifying an obedience to the arbitrary rules scripted by society. And that's okay. If we're a bit out of the ordinary, while it's good to stress that we're not that different (because some people look at us so differently as if we were a separate species), let's just accept that in this one respect, we differ from the majority, and that's alright.
With time, acceptance of the fact that honesty and privilege are two irreconcilible things in this case may help you embrace the beautiful oddity you are (I say that affectionately x).
Second. The male and female body is very similar. So what does it matter if you fancy a bit more muscle on a more flat body over softer skin on a curvy body? And there's even a wide spectrum of how 'feminine' natal females, and how 'masculine' natal males, bodies are. Whatever you fancy, you fancy, and that's okay.

 

There is nothing you can do but accept being trans & gay. I'm trans & bi (more into men) and got no problem with it. I can't really give you tips how to do it because I just accepted it after realising it.

The only advice I have is to see a psychologist or some support group that will help you accept yourself.

 

Huh, the stereotype is ironic, and the irony is stereotypical. Fascinating.

From what I've heard and read, it's trans*women* who (prior to embracing their identity) try so hard to be ultra-masculine, so nobody (even they themselves) realizes they aren't actually female.

But then you go and make the assumption that gay men aren't or can't be ultra-masculine...playing right into that stereotype as well.

Look, you are who you are. You're a gay guy. What is shameful about that? I can understand you wanting to be taken seriously as a guy...but there are gay guys, and they are *all* kinds of ways. Your attraction to guys should *not* be the thing that makes people doubt you're a guy. I strongly suspect that if you transition, the facial hair and deep voice will be plenty convincing for doubters. People may well still question your *masculinity* (because there are always assholes who question gay men's masculinity), but they will not doubt your maleness.

I don't know how to tell you (or any other gay man) how to not be ashamed of being gay. All I can say is that I know quite a few gay men, and most of them are *awesome* individuals...some of whom I'd be willing to date if they weren't frickin' gay!

 

Look at it this way:

A transgender guy is like a man born into a woman's body.

A gay man is still a man.

Therefore you can have a gay man born into a woman's body. There is nothing less authentic about it.

 

Completely understandable. I believe there is something specific to homophobia aimed towards men, since it pretty much goes against ideals related to masculinity, privilege, respect. Being trans, it would seem to cancel out any perceived "gain" in society's eyes, as a man.

How not to be ashamed... there are plenty of feminist and queer writings on the topic. Get involved in the community, if you haven't already. Talk to some of the guys on the site. I believe it's harder to come out to one's self, but once you do, it becomes easier to deal with any naysayers.

 

I get where you're coming from. But hey, look. Being gay doesn't make you less masculine. Where the hell do you think the bear and leather communities come from anyway?

It's especially hard since you don't tend to see a lot of openly gay (or even bisexual) trans men in the media. You've got Laithe Ashley, Ayden Dowling, Chaz Bono, and Shawn Stinson and as far as I know, all these dudes are straight. But gay/bisexual trans men exist and you'd be far from the only one out there.

For example, there's Louis Sullivan. He was openly gay in a time when most doctors and gender clinics wouldn't allow anyone but a straight, uber gender conforming transgender person medically transition. In fact, he even helped publicly dispel the idea that sexual orientation had to play into gender identity- something we all know but at the time, not a lot of mainstream people agreed.

I'm a member of a few groups on Facebook for gay and bisexual trans men- If you're on Facebook, I'd recommend joining a few of those so you're around other guys in the same boat.

I'd also advise you to look into some of the stuff Matt Kailey (RIP) has written. He was gay too and until he transitioned, he basically lived as an ultra femme straight woman. And he talks about that- how he figured out his sexuality and all.

 

I feel uncomfortable being a trans and gay because (even if I got every single means of medical and legal transition) I'd feel so dysphoric before a female partner. And not just during intimacy. I would feel like she sees a man pretending to be a woman even if she doesn't think that way. For whatever reason I can't see myself dating another trans-woman either. I can still picture myself in a relationship with a guy (which is why I put homoflexible behind orientation) but mostly because, as a teen, I think about love on a daily basis and the thought of being in a relationship with a woman makes me really sad and dysphoric because I know I could never have one.

I'm not super-feminine though.