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I'm not sure what's going on.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by wolfgirl666, May 23, 2016.

  1. wolfgirl666

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2016
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    Location:
    Denver
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    So recently I've been struggling with my sexual identity. I've never had a crush on a girl, always guys. I've never had any desire to be with a woman sexually until recently, and now it's mainly just out of curiosity and the desire to see if I am, in fact, a lesbian or bisexual.

    The thing that's really making me question my identity is this. When I was younger, around 8 or so, I started masturbating. I can't remember how it happened, but ever since then I've done it in secret. Although I've always been physically attracted to guys, every time I masturbated, the only thing that could get me off was the thought of having sex with a woman. Always. I've never been able to successfully fantasize about sex with a man. However, whenever I finished, I was always disgusted with myself and the idea of being with a women. I never wanted and still don't want to date a woman, but this is really starting to irk me.

    One thing to note that may have something to do with this is that as a child, my father was very abusive, physically and emotionally. Sometimes I think that may have something to do with it, but I don't know. It's worth noting.

    I'm 2 months shy of my 21st birthday and I've only had one boyfriend whom I only dated for six months. In high school, I had a lot of casual sex with guys but I was never able to climax. Not even with my boyfriend. Another thing worth noting is that I think my ex-boyfriend is bisexual, or a closeted gay man, because all of his friends are gay or lesbians and he is very active in the gay community at our college. This is worth noting because during our time together, although I was surrounded by lesbians constantly, I never felt the urge to be with one. I never flirted with them, and when I could tell they were flirting with me it made me uncomfortable (in the same way someone you're not interested in flirts with you; it wasn't because they were lesbians).

    But now, I'm really struggling with this. I'm bothered by the fact that as a kid, I could only masturbate to fantasies about being with a girl, and today, the only porn I watch is lesbian porn. I still get disgusted with myself after I finish and I always tell myself "this is the last time," but clearly that's not true. I never had crushed on any of my girl friends the way most lesbians do as kids. I didn't have a crush on my female teacher, I didn't watch romance movies and fall in love with the girl. I feel like everything else about me was "straight" except for my sexual fantasies. Like I said, I always liked guys. I still do, and I can only picture myself spending the rest of my life with a man.

    Does anyone have any idea what's going on? I'm so confused and I have been for so many years. Maybe I'm bisexual and I'm just strictly sexually attracted to girls while physically and emotionally attracted to men? Any perspective would help. I felt like this was the best place to come for any answers.