Hi everyone, I'm a 20-year-old guy who thinks he might be gay, and though I'm still not absolutely sure - not least because I'm still a virgin - I think I'm very slowly beginning to come to terms with the fact that it's more likely than not. My question, to anyone who wants to answer it, is this: did you find, when you were closeted, that your sexual confusion led you to be muddled, indecisive, confused in general about life? Or did it not really affect anything besides your sexual identity? Maybe you had the opposite experience and found you could just get on with stuff without this getting in the way. I don't know. I suppose I'm wondering if these two problems might be connected for me. I'm notoriously unsure of myself and lacking in confidence and don't know what I want in life and I wonder if it might be because I'm so buried in repression and denial (grew up in a less-than-tolerant place) that I don't know myself. I've put a lot of stuff on hold as I attempt to "figure things out" and "improve myself" to an "acceptable" standard, e.g. University. I wonder why I feel the need to, and feel it so intensely. Perhaps this is why.
For me realizing I'm gay destroyed my world in its entirety but that's because I'm a little bitch. Some people question and live their life as is some like me no. Try not to put anything on hold keep moving biggest mistake of my life but message we have a lot to talk about
Coming out to oneself is a major process. You've gotten through it some in that you acknowledge you're something other than straight. The thing is, everyone manifests that internal navigation of finding identity in a different way. From what you've said it seems that you sort of shut down and repress the things in life going on around you. For others struggling with their orientation they could suffer from depression or things of that nature. As for me, my grades suffered and I could barley sleep because I was absolutely petrified of someone realizing I liked guys. So to answer the question you posed directly, I guess you could say it's "normal" to just slam the door on life and focus on who/what you are. It all makes sense really. I mean how can you progress externally when you're not even sure who you are? I hope this helped you a little. You'll figure it out eventually. Good luck. (*hug*)
Growing up, I think my confusion over my sexuality affected absolutely everything. I felt so out of place around people, felt they somehow could see this "dirty secret" I held inside. I grew up feeling lost and disconnected from myself. I felt so consumed by everything I was going thru that I felt little drive or ambition in school, and subsequently dropped out. Honestly, I've always been surprised I've made it to the age I am now. I used to pray each night to die, and always thought I'd end it before I was even 18. I came close quite a few times, and still got scars up and down my wrists. On a cheerier note, every now and then it serves as a reminder that thru it all, I'm still here.
Coming out to myself was the hardest bit, took me ages. Took me ages to accept it and then suddenly a penny dropped. Totally fine with it now, whatever orientation I actually am, I just think of myself as not straight! Hope you find the peace you are looking for
Yes, I slowly have come to see myself as different, but as I explain in my welcome message, my apparent main orientation as a male who likes women as a female seems impossible and has caused me to halt dating for several years. I am paralyzed by confusion. But, I have managed by focusing on other areas of my life, so I am confused, but not depressed. This equilibrium was disturbed a bit by a straight friend who regales me with stories of his romantic exploits. After years of conversations, I began to be attracted to him. I never told him, but one day he suggested that we experiment.I was shocked and let it go over my head without comment. In a world with no consequences I would do it, but life has consequences. I do sometimes fantasize about it though, which has added to my confusion.
I get you. At 13 I felt like everyone around me was into boys, including my older sister, who also had a boyfriend at the time. I was so confused because I felt like I had crush on one of my female teachers, although I couldn't quite grasp it properly and was immensely confused. Then on top of that, I felt like I couldn't relate to anyone (not just because of my orientation, but because of my personality in general,) and I was constantly comparing myself to others e.g. my sister especially, because she had had boyfriends while I had had no one. It made me feel unappreciated and unimportant, and that led to an eating disorder and self hatred. Ever since, I have been dipping in and out of denial, still have body dissatisfaction to this day, and my grades have suffered terribly as I too am constantly feeling depressed.
My life while denying myself was indecisive and ambling. Once I can't it, I've gotten a focus and finally know what I want. I'm still suffering depression and anxiety from years of holding myself back, but it's getting easier every day. I want to have come to the realization earlier, eat earlier, but it's here now and I'm moving forward. I think your response is normal.
