Hey guys, I was just wondering. Do you guys ever feel disgusted or ashamed during or after being aroused, especially if you satisfied that arousal? I have a couple of fetishes, the strongest of which is one that goes against every fiber of my being and I wish it would go away because I feel like it's changing me and I don't want it to change me. Even the other fetish that I am mostly on board with and the normal stuff I'm into make me feel ashamed though. I often find my arousal gets less when anything sexual comes up, like, the fetishes I have aren't sexual. Risking sounding like the grossest human on the planet here but I'm into the fat fetishes and sadism/masochism. The fat fetish is the one I usually use for masturbation because it's the only thing I've found that gets me all the way, but it's also the one that goes against every fiber of my being. As for sadism, I'm into people getting sick or being in severe pain in anime or TV or movies but the only sadism content online are all BDSM which are incredibly sexual and... Disgusting. As soon as someone acts overly sexual or whips something sexual out I'm gagging, like it's the most awful thing ever. This doesn't include shirtless guys though, shirtless guys are pretty awesome. Aside from the fetishes I find girls in skimpy outfits attractive but the only normal stuff that arouses me (aside from romance, somehow) is boyxboy. So I've watched anime and manga trying to use that instead of the god awful disgusting fat fetish, but a) it takes ages for the build and b) I find that when they start doing it, showing stuff, my interest becomes clouded with extreme shame. After masturbating I find myself filled with shame and disgust, sometimes so much that I wanna cry. I hate my fetish, I wish it was gone, there's nothing in this world that I want more than to be a thin guy in a relationship with a thin guy (because I'm attracted to thin guys and disgusted by fat, so this fetish makes no freakin' sense) and I feel like this fetish is clouding that desire and THAT fills me with fear and disgust as well *sigh*. I would understand if it was just that one single fetish though, because of how contradictory it is to the rest of my personality, but any time I get aroused I feel disgusted and shameful. I've thought maybe I'm asexual, but I still want a sexual relationship with my future partner and have only recently started to have trouble with attraction to others. I've always thought sexual body parts (except for boobs on other people, they can be hot) are disgusting. In fact, despite being a trans guy it took me until last year to fully comprehend the concept that generally guys have something below, I used to forget that and assume we all had the same plumbing more or less. That part always disgusted me, seemed unhygienic, inconvenient and overly sexual. But I've also considered that I do have some bottom dysphoria (weirdly enough) and that may be contributing (especially because in basically all of my fantasies I insert -_- can't do that now). Even when I imagine I have that lower region, though, I still get a sense of shame and disgust. So I thought maybe it's because of my sibling, who is extremely asexual and aromantic with zero libido and expresses this in very strong, opinionated ways. They have influenced me a lot in the past, so maybe it's because of them? I don't know though, this world is so forgiving and encouraging of sexual interactions and arousal that there's no reason to be ashamed or disgusted right? I just dunno how to interpret it, whether it's because of my gender, whether it's a sexuality thing, outside influence, subject matter or something else. I've concluded these feelings of shame aren't normal so I decided to take to a forum that might be able to help narrow down more minority options like Asexuality. It really disturbs me so I'm really hoping I figure it out somehow. Sorry for the graphic descriptions, I feel I needed to provide that much detail to give a full story. Feel free to share your own if you want to and thank you to anyone who tries to help figure this out with me. Hope you guys have/are having a great day!
