For a while, I was wondering if I was 90% gay . . . but a part of me can still appreciate that men are physically (though not necessarily sexually) attractive, as the idea of being penetrated (by a man) and being sexually submissive (to a man) turns me off. And yet . . . I find myself thinking about how men often seem more emotionally stable than women, including myself. I kind of want someone who's more masculine in terms of emotions (including women), and yet, at the same time, I wish I could be stronger and more of the provider type. I wouldn't mind being asked out on nice dates by a guy and letting him be the planner . . . but I'm also a sweetheart and I like doing things for the people that I love, such as cooking, baking, etc. I also crave the equality (and softness) a relationship with a woman would provide. I'm so, so confused right now. It'd be so much easier if I were just born a guy and dated solely girls. I'm definitely genderqueer but these days it's been getting stronger and sometimes, I look in the mirror and I am okay with how I look but not my breasts or my female parts. I just wish I could have been born a guy, it'd been so much easier. I don't /want/ to be sexually attracted to men, in a sense. It's so hard to explain. I don't want to ever submit to a man or feel beneath him sexually and I feel penetrative sex would make me feel insecure and unhappy, but only if it's with a man. Maybe the whole "lesbian" label feels wrong because, inside, I'm a transgender Female-to-Male, and I don't always want to be a woman, I'd like to just be an ordinary straight guy, no stigma attached. ----- Edit: I think, what it might be is, I'm starting to break down from societal pressure. I want to be 100% out, but I'm afraid of what my parents will say. I don't think I'm in an unsafe place to be out, it's just hard when I'm not sure I'm 100% lesbian/bisexual in the sense that I can still see myself marrying a man--more for the possible romantic relationship than sexually. I don't want to hide anymore, not from anyone, and even being partially in the closet, especially from the people who are supposed to love you no matter what, supposed to be supportive of your decisions no matter what, is killing me.
I first must apologize for three things: 1. All of my replies have been novels, sorry I ramble so bare with me, 2. I am not gender-queer and 3. I don't have alot of experience in this situation. But, I am going to try. I haven't an issue with transgender in the slightest. I've considered dating. ~_^ Love is love! I have a friend that while we were in school stated once "I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body!" We shrugged it off, till Zach came knocking at my door. No longer the straight girl Samantha that I knew from school but the gay/trans/man who still wanted to know if we were on good terms and still friends. If only Zach had known at the time how much I truly cared, let alone crushed on him. haha I never could come out and tell him... We've grown apart recently... Anyway, I am not saying that is you. But, then... just maybe it is. Just a little different. Self awareness is hard to figure out. I thought about it myself. But, I am fine and enjoy being a man. I like me and my parts, so that was a no brainer for me! ~_^ Now also... Consider the options... There are masculine women out there and don't forget the les/trans/women. I know it can be alot to take in and think about. But, maybe that would be something for you to consider or think about. Yes, a rarity indeed... But, they do exist. You could end up with the masculinity you are looking for but the physicality of the woman and emotional bond that comes with it. Either way you choose to go there are people out in the world willing to help and give advice. Alot of information on the internet now, support groups, and the such. Read into some of it. You may find it's easier than you first thought to find the information you're looking for! ^_^
