So, first off, I am a female in my early 20s and within the past year I've come to the conclusion that I'm bi, which I've shared only with my partner and a close friend. Since I have been young I have been constantly worrying about giving myself a sexual identity/orientation. I had a lot of crushes on boys growing up but that was largely in middle school and it was more emotional and superficial than physical attraction. In high school, again I had crushes but began to notice being aroused by females in a more intense way, and the first time I ever got off it was after stumbling upon a gif of two females online. I definitely feel attracted to women, but it's men who make me blush and men who I gravitate to in my real life (as opposed to my fantasy life). It's almost like I feel attraction to men and women a little bit differently--with women I feel a sense of arousal in my clit while with men I feel a sense of arousal in my vagina. There are of course exceptions to this, and I also feel arousal toward femme women vs. butch women in different ways. The physical sensations of arousal when I see men vs. women is different--I don't know if this is common or if I'm just forcing myself into believing I am attracted to men. Often when pleasuring myself thoughts of women turn me on and thoughts of men intensify those feelings but often thoughts of women are what push me over the edge. Lately, I have really been worrying that I am actually exclusively attracted to women and that my identification as bisexual was just a lie I was telling myself to avoid facing the fact that I am gay, despite the very satisfying sexual experiences I have had with my male partner, the only person I have ever been sexual with. We haven't had intercourse for some personal reasons, but we've come close and it's very appealing. However, it feels hotter in the moment than when I try to fantasize about it later--it seems that though encounters with men turn me on in the moment, fantasizing about women when I'm on my own is what gets me off best. I feel as though I am more attracted to women's bodies than to men's bodies, but I still very much enjoy experiences with male partners and get really turned on in encounters with them based on the emotional connection we share and the energy they have, rather than any one attribute of their body. The person they are and the energy they have is what makes them attractive to me. However, this feels less true to me with girls--I seem to find a lot of girls attractive and am easily aroused by them, whereas with guys, I need to feel some kind of energy from them that gets me blushing and excited and really gets me going. An emotional attraction or connection with a man--or, I would guess, with anyone--makes them attractive to me even if they are not objectively a "perfect 10." This has left me so conflicted. I am a very anxious person, and I have begun constantly checking my reactions to people when I see them to see if I find them hot or not, to the point where I am just imagining everyone I encounter in a sexual situation to check my orientation and see if it's actually valid. On top of all of this, my significant other actually identifies with a gender outside of the gender binary (genderfluid). I know that my sexual experiences with him have been satisfying and exciting, and I know that my attraction to someone outside of the gender binary means that perhaps a better identifier for me would be pansexual (or bisexual), or something like that. But I keep second-guessing myself and my attraction to my partner despite my enjoyment of my experiences with him as well because I keep checking out other people to try to prove my sexuality to myself. If anyone has any advice, please let me know. The stress over this is killing me and making me less present in my relationship--my partner and I have talked it through and he is very understanding, but I would like to move on from this issue and be able to spend my time worrying about other things. I also know that it's totally normal to feel attracted to different people of different genders at different times, but is it normal to feel physically attracted to different people in different ways? I am driving myself crazy over this and could really use some guidance. This identity crisis has come just days after I began to feel confident in my bisexual identity--as soon as I thought "I really feel great about IDing this way," the anxiety seemed to set in that I've been lying to myself all along. I really do believe that it's more about the person than the gender, but I am still terrified that I have been wrong this whole time about my sexuality. Does anyone have advice?
Welcome to the EC forum! Its great that youve written such a detailed post and I hope that everyone here will be able to help you. In answer to your question, I think it is normal to feel attracted to different genders in different ways. Bisexuality is a very large label that encompasses a lot For me, I find more men attractive in a pretty superficial way, and I can get off to fantasies about men and gay male porn pretty fast. But with women, there are very few that I am immediately attracted to (as in, just noticing them on the street and such), and it takes me longer to get off to them (but I find it more enjoyable and intense) but attraction to them is much deeper and crushes are longer lasting and more meaningful. Therefore, although I can see myself having sex with a man... I would rather have a long relationship with a woman. Sometimes because the attractions are different itry to decide which one is more valid - I usually end up thinking I'm gay - but when I do try and ID as a lesbian, I just get really paranoid because my attraction to men is not a lie and it doesn't go away completely - its there, its just different. My attraction to guys has lost some importance in my acceptance of my gayer side, but it's still there, so ultimately I begrudgingly mostly ID as bisexual - a Kinsey 4ish. My friend sees me more as a 5 lol. I think you can very much identify as bisexual. I know it can be confusing and makes you overthink everything. I have felt similarly. And I still do haha. But these feelings don't make you any less bi and hopefully eventually we can all settle into our identities.
Thank you so much for your reply, SHACH! Honestly, your experience sounds pretty similar to mine, but with the genders swapped. It brings me a lot of peace knowing that other people feel this way too and that I'm not just out here alone trying to figure out what's going on. If anyone else has thoughts on this, I'd love to hear them as well!
Hello, I'm not sure that I'm going to be any help, but I'd thought I'd reply as we've got a few things in common. Like you, I came to the conclusion that I was bi about a year ago, and have since been questioning whether I'm more attracted to women than men. Similarly, I've also only had one partner. Who, like yours, is male. For me, with men, the attraction has always been about having a boyfriend, eventually getting married, etc. It's more the idea, if that makes sense. I've had some great times with my partner though, but there's always been this feeling that something wasn't quite right. I've never had "very satisfying sexual experiences" with my male partner. In comparison, it seems to me, that you have a genuine attraction towards men, and I see no reason why you couldn't be attracted to different genders in different ways. It's so easy to overthink it, isn't it? I've been doing this too. I think it's normal. As above, I think this is normal too. I have days where I'm confident that I'm gay, and then I start to second-guess myself. It's interesting that you've felt great about identifying as bisexual, because for me, it just doesn't feel right. If it feels right for you, that might be a good indicator. This would imply that you've always been quite honest with yourself about your sexuality. So, perhaps you shouldn't worry so much about having hidden things? For me, I buried and ignored the idea that I might be anything other than straight, because I just didn't think it was an option. Like, I've always been a little bit envious when people come out, because I would never have that kind of courage. It's great you've been able to tell your partner about it too.
NotMyName--have none of your physical experiences with your partner been enjoyable? It has felt great to call myself bisexual, but as soon as I feel great I begin to doubt myself. When I've had these doubts with my partner near, he's kissed me and those fears melted away. We are long distance now though so it's harder to remember that that physical connection is there.
Hmmm yes, if none of your sexual experiences with your boyfriend have been satisfactory, NotmyName, it seems like you may be more of a lesbian than bi - as you said, you're second guessing yourself. For me,I'm still waiting out on any experiences beyond kisses at parties to make my full decision, but I feel like I've had an interest in men beyond "the idea". I think, wheathhins, if you really enjoy your physical connection with your boyfriend, then you are probably bi and you don't need to be thinking so hard. Easier said than done for all of us... And no probs about the long reply, wheathhins. I love being able to read other people's similar stories too, so I quite enjoyed your post.
Long distance relationships are hard, but as SHACH said, you seem to enjoy the physical side of your relationship with your partner. You might just be overthinking things. It depends what you mean by enjoyable, really. If my partner is really into it, makes an effort, etc. then it can be enjoyable, but I'm never fully in the moment. So, I'll be thinking about how cold I am, what jobs need doing around the house, etc. At first there was element of excitement because it was all new to me, but to be honest, now I'd rather just go to sleep. It doesn't send me over the edge, which I've come up with a variety of reasons for, such as being self-conscious, lack of experience, etc., but we've been together for 5 years now. For me it was appealing too, because I wanted to know what all the fuss was about, but also because I just wanted lose my virginity. At 23, it felt like I was the only person I knew, who hadn't done it. With my partner, I suppose I'm not sure whether it's the person, or their sex, that just isn't right for me.
It might be that in your current relationship, that initial flame has flickered to a standstill as a less explosive flame... if you catch my drift. That does happen, it's very common. You sound to me like you're bisexual on, like, a first guess. But you also sound very curious on women. And just because one is bisexual that is not to say that you have to be 50/50. You might be more attracted to women, or men, overall, or in the current moment. Because a lot of bi people have fluid sexualities, such that one day they'll mostly only be thinking about cute boys and the other only cute girls.
Hi Invidia, I have considered this with my situation. We've been a bit disconnected for the last year or so, to be honest. It's not so much the current state of my relationship that's informing my questioning, but what it was like in the first few years. Even at our most connected, we've never been 'explosive'. But, I'm not going to rush into anything.
Doesn't that make you even more confused though? It certainly make me more lost. LOL. Sometimes I wish I were attracted to women, the same as I am to men. It would make much more sense to me that way :lol:
Trust me, being into both the same way can be just as confusing. Then add being attracted to some people "in between?" Though I am attracted to men an women in relatively the same way, it changes a lot. Some days I'll be 50/50, then I might go through a period more like what you guys describe. Then I'm more into one sex, but still VERY into the other. I'm anywhere between about 2-5 on the Kinsey scale, depending on when you're asking....though I'm usually around 3, it does change.
It's strange, but I definitely feel like I have been lying to myself my entire life. I had numerous flings/romantic experiences with women/girls when I was young. My first sexual encounters were with my girlfriends. And yet I never ever identified as gay. I went to gay bars, gay strip clubs, was part of gay clubs, went to gay rallys, but never labelled myself (as gay or hetero, but hetero was the default). I loved gay men, and actually had some sexy times with a couple. But most of my relationships have been with men. And I am married to a man and have been for 13 years. But I don't love sex with him. And the idea of penises doesn't get me off. Actually neither does vaginas (TMI?). Just the idea of intimacy does, not the follow through. Whatever. Anyway, point is that I am also confused and many people seem to construct realities for themselves for a really long time. I am thinking that maybe my sexual orientation reality is finally bursting out?
