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I'm so confuuused

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by shas, May 29, 2016.

  1. shas

    shas Guest

    (I’m not a native english speaker so if I make any mistakes, I’m sorry. I do not mean to offend anyone.)

    Hey everyone!

    This is my first post on EC although I’ve been a member for quite a while now. First of all, I want to thank everyone who helps other people with their posts and is active on this website. Whenever I browsed the forums, I was so happy to find people with similar problems and all of you kind and brave people who helped them accepting themselves. I hope you can help me once again!

    So since I dropped out of school a year ago, I’ve slowly started to realise that I like boys. I love the way they move, how they look and how they make me feel. Although I’ve had crushes on girls before, I never thought of them as sexually attractive. It’s not that I think women are ugly or something, it’s just that I cannot imagine to have sex with them.

    Whenever I walk through the city or around at university, I look after boys. I have sexual fantasies of boys. So I think it’s pretty obvious that I might be gay, but I’ve never really fallen for a guy (you know, except for celebrities *cough* Troye Sivan *cough*).
    This is not too complicated you might say, you just didn’t meet the right guy. Yeah probably, but then there is my best friend.

    She and I, we have been friends for about 8 years now. We have a very deep understanding of each others personality and character. I know everything about her and she knows everything about me. I love being together with her, because shes the only person I can talk to about my problems (aka liking boys). She’s the kindest and sweetest person I’ve ever met. When we are together, we like lying on my bed and listen to music and talk about the world.

    I’ve never felt sexually attracted to her and I still don’t (although she’s beautiful – just sayin‘). But when we are not together, I feel so empty. I’m waiting for her to come over the moment she leaves. I want to be with her the entire time. If this is not love, what is it? Isn’t that how straight people feel for each other? I’m really confused about my feelings. I told her that I like guys and she responded with: Yeah, I was pretty sure you do.

    What can I do? I keep texting her all day now and the fact that I cannot see her next week drives me crazy.
     
  2. gryf

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    Sounds a love to me. Not necessarily romantic love, though.
    From what you wrote you seem to be gay.
    I think you have a wonderful friend. I've got someone like that. I used to feel the rest you do, but realized it wouldn't work. We even dated for a time.

    You seen confused as you haven't found the right or close to right guy.

    Think hard about how you feel. If you have no romantic feelings at all and it's platonic, you just love your awesome friend and are kind of lonely.
     
  3. A Seraphim Moon

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    I have a friend like that. I am 32 and I have known her... Well, for about 18 years now. Wow~that is a long time. Just realized how long I've actually known her. She was probably the first person that told me I was more than likely gay. Not to be mean or out me, but rather to make me aware and for me to really think about finding myself. She didn't judge or hate me for it either. She loved even more so I think.

    I can not describe nor label it. It's something akin to 'Soulmate'! She compliments me on so many levels. She completes me. Same with her, I make up for all that she lacks, I compliment her, her imperfections can be made perfect through me, and I complete her. It has always been there. It just is. No matter how far away or even states away... Days or hours... Months, years. She is always there.

    We know how each other feels, when we are sad, when we are going through a tough time, and it's that we just know. I've never experienced it with any other person. It's just a feeling... Bells ringing in my ear, almost like hearing wind chimes. And I'll be like "I need to call Jen, something isn't right." I'll give her a call and before she can even say hello "Jen, what's wrong?" Her reply "Dammit Jai... Just once, can you say hello first? Give me a chance to bring it up! Not to mention, you are so infuriating... I was just thinking about you... Actually, I was just getting ready to call you. How do you know? Ugh~but seeing as you brought it up. It's not good Jai." Her husband had gotten into habit of saying "Call Jai." anytime she would have a meltdown over something, it would even be used as a joke sometimes with him and her family, to tease her about it.

    It kinda just happened the other day. I had been upset with her for awhile unwilling to budge and out of the blue couldn't stop thinking about her... Sure enough she happens to be going through a divorce. With the divorce, well... That is something else entirely. For some reason when she meets a guy and starts dating them, she asks me what I think about them. Generally speaking, almost to my exact description of the outcome... Well, it happens. Same with her... If I ask her if she thinks my boyfriend will hurt me well if she says yes, 9 times out of 10, he does. We really should start listening to each others advice, you'd think after 18 years that would be a given!:bang:

    I had a dream once, years ago... I think I was maybe 16 or 17... In the dream she had 2 kids about 8 years apart. I told her about it. She didn't believe me, even after she gave birth to the first kid. Said for a long time that it wasn't possible, she couldn't have any more children and didn't want to. Needless to say that two years ago almost 8 years from her first child she randomly got pregnant. She and her husband weren't planning nor trying to have another kid.

    It wasn't always like that, it took years to build up to how we are now. We don't label it. So, don't label it... If it helps. I mean it could be different for you all. But, no it is not odd or weird. I mean she is a lifeline for you. You depend on her for companionship and help keep your emotions in check, for understanding, acceptance, love, etc. If you can't see her in a sexual way or any other woman for that matter than I don't think that it would make you bi. You seem very sure and fairly certain that you are gay. And seem to be coming to terms and adjusting to it pretty well.

    I will say... Try not to be too dependent on her. For yourself one... I mean, it's already making you stress a little and confusing you. But, also for her. You don't want to lead her on. If she is perfectly ok with your being gay and understands that your closeness doesn't have to be sexual or romantic, then even better. But, Jen and I did rely on each other at one point in our lives so much so, that we forgot how to be independent and be able to take care of ourselves. So, we went through some rough times when we were apart. As we've gotten older and with her marrying/moving, we've come to rely more on ourselves and our instincts. Our other friends... Support in other areas, like online, or for instance places like here at EC.

    I hope this helps in some way! ^_^ :smilewave
     
    #3 A Seraphim Moon, May 29, 2016
    Last edited: May 29, 2016
  4. Andreana21

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    Hey,

    It sounds to me that you're over-thinking about labels and the concept of love. I understand that it's not easy. Let's make a quick summary of what you said.
    You've had romantic/emotinal feelings for women but not sexual (plus you think you're in love with a woman)
    You have sexual feelings for men but have never fallen for one (except for Troye Sivan, ok I agree there). Well, you don't ultimately need a label. You don't sound really gay or straight to me, but I don't think you're exactly bi either. You could be ''homosexual hetero romantic or biromantic''. You could also take the Kinsey Scale or the Klein Grid test to clarify somethings maybe. But never use a label you're not comfortable with. Now, about that girl... Do you feel something when you're with her? Butterflies? Do you smile when you think about her? Do you want to kiss her, feel like you could spend the rest of your life with her? If you've answered yes to most of the questions, then yes, you're probably in love with her, and I'm telling you, love is way stronger than gender.
    Do what feels right.

    hope it helped :lol:
     
  5. erioed

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    The main problem I see with these tests is that they require you to have certain answers that you maybe don't have because after all it's what you're trying to figure out. Also, in the case of the Klein Grid test, it asks you about your sexual experiences, which might not even have existed (now it's when I start to cry). I think the Kinsey Scale test is definitely more friendly towards überconfused people.
    On the other hand, I kinda have a friend like yours. The only difference is that he has confessed that he loves me and all that stuff... and then I knew I don't love him back in THAT way. Try to imagine you in a relationship with your friend, with all what a traditional relationship implies (sex, romance, you know, the things that don't happen in a friendship) and maybe that'll shed some light. It's easy to be confused about people with who you have a really strong emotional bond.
     
  6. GodlyArmadillo

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    The way you feel about your best friend is the same way I feel about mine, but I know how it feels when you actually have a boyfriend and how the intimacy and sex really influence the dynamic of the relationship. Trust me, I love my best friend to bits and pieces, but at the end of the day, there's a huge difference between that and a romantic relationship.

    I can't quantify love, nor do I want to. Do I love my mom more than my brothers? Did I love my exboyfriend more than my best friend? Do I love my best friend more than my cousins?

    It makes no sense to ask those questions, I just love people in different ways. Not "more" or "less" but different.
     
  7. shas

    shas Guest

    Thank you all soo much for your kind replies! I'll do my best to clarify some aspects and comment on what you've written.

    @A Seraphim Moon

    Thats how it is. I feel the same with her.

    Thats really funny considering I'm nothing like that in real life. I didn't even come out to anyone else besides her, but I'm planning to tell my male best friend. As I said, I don't think I could label myself as "bi" but my feelings for her are still confusing. But maybe it comes down to the fact that I didn't have any sexual experiences in my life. I was just never really interested in it until last year.

    Thank you, your story is really touching :slight_smile:

    @Andreana21
    Yeah so.. is there a human being that is not in love with Troye?
    As for your post: I might be thinking too hard, thats true. Until a couple of weeks ago, I was pretty sure about my homosexuality but when she came home from a trip and we started meeting again, it felt different.

    It's weird.. Sometimes I want to kiss her but than I feel like its inappropriate because its her. I can imagine spending my life with her, but then again I don't want to have sex with her. So essentially, no, I want to have a boyfriend.
    Butterflies? Hmm.. I'm always very excited about meeting her. Idk.

    It did, thanks :slight_smile:

    @erioed
    I did take the Kinsey-Test once but it was unable to come up with a result xD
    I'm sorry for your friend. But also for you. I can imagine its really hard to be just friends again after that.

    @GodlyArmadillo
    This helped me a lot. I will try to see it that way. Thanks :3
     
  8. shas

    shas Guest

    Hi everyone!

    I'm back and I want to update you guys on my situation. I feel like it is necessary for me to write this down as part of my process of coming to terms with my feelings.

    I wrote in the very first post that I think I'm in love with my best friend. I read the post again and wouldn't change a single word from it. My feelings are still strong and they have become even stronger because we spend so much time lately.

    Over the past two months, we met pretty regularly and I've grown even more attached to her. We met at parties and also alone. We laid on my bed and read books together. A few weeks ago, we went to a friends party. She brought a guy with her who she met when she lived abroad. I don't know him and I don't know if they are in love. She normally tells me everything, but he is a big secret between us. At this very moment, she's on vacation with him and I'm feeling kinda jealous although I shouldn't. Whatever. At this party, we talked and hugged and cuddled like we always do (we were not drunk). One of my friends told me afterwards that she thought we were in love hadn't there been this other guy.

    When we are together, we usually appear like a couple although we are obviously not. People keep telling me this.

    As I said in the other post, she was the first person I told I was gay. She was totally fine with it. She said she kinda knew already. After that, I became pretty confident in saying the words "I'm gay" to myself. However, as of now, I'm not really sure anymore. I'm 100% sure I find men sexually attractive. No doubt about it. But I also think some women are beautiful. I have had crushes on girls but never a romantic one on boys although I find boys more sexually attractive.

    The reason I'm writing this is because of our "date" last week (I dont even know a proper term). I asked her to come over because my parents weren't at home. We decided a long time ago that we wanted to watch "Titanic" together (yeah THIS Titanic, the James Cameron one, you know, Jack and Rose). It was meant to be joke from my part but she insisted on it so we did it (as a joke, "because thats what couples do"). I already noticed that day that she looked breathtakingly beautiful.

    When we were watching the movie, we cuddled and made jokes. I asked her "Do you think we would have done this if I wouldn't have told you I'm gay?" and she said "Yeah, why not? It's just you and me". She said that with any other boy she would've felt (sexually) pressured watching a movie but not with me.

    At the end of the film, we laid down and I played with her hair for like a long time (probably just two minutes). At that moment, something hit me like a train. I wanted to tell her what it meant to me, being with her. My heart was out of control. This sounds really cheesy, but I have never had a feeling quite like that.

    Being the person I am, I didn't do anything. I'm so confused right now. I know it's difficult to give advice but I just wanted to write this down. I'm already feeling a bit better:icon_wink