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Hetero-relationship - confusing bi feelings

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by UmaMae, May 29, 2016.

  1. UmaMae

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    Hi everyone,

    first of all, sorry for my mistakes in my writing, english is not my native language.

    Also sorry for the whole thing to read, i would be very thankful if someone could give me an advice or thoughts on that….

    Thing is, im questioning what my sexuality is (straight, bi lesbian….)
    Here my thoughts:

    Why i might be bi:

    1) I kissed a girl and i liked it ;-)
    2) I was wondering if I have a crush on a friend of mine as I was 21 ( it maybe was, but i never thought of having a girlfriend at that time, and she was not single anyway)
    3) I had a one-day daydream about my colleague (which is my type) of her having a crush on me (or better, I was wondering if and then started fantasizing about it) and i liked the thought of having a relationship with her.
    4) I had a (night)dream where i fell in love with a girl, but she was unfortunately straight, but the dream was overall a very nice dream, because i had nice feelings for her and felt a deep connection to her
    5) Im turned on by porn with women, who are alone in the video
    6) I look after girls, also thinking sometimes „hot“, and not just pretty
    7) Im questioning my sexuality (would an overall straight person do that?)
    8) As I wrote a woman for the first time (for dating purposes), labeling myself bisexual I went totally crazy as she wrote me back. I was like (very childish, i know^^) giggling, felt total nervous, but in a good way and I was happy that she complimented me.
    For now i have not the courage to meet her in real life, but maybe i should, just to see.
    9) Actually I never wanted to look pretty for boys. I always was kinda anxious about me imagining myself being one of the „normal girls, who are doing make up stuff, trying to attract boys“. I never felt that way. I didnt want to attract boys with grooming whatsoever. First time I felt comfortable and motivated doing this was the moment when i realized I could also attract girls. (Does that make me even lesbian?? or is that more of an gender-issue and not an orientation issue?)
    10) I feel like a dark corner in my soul is suddenly being enlightened, making me feeling more comfortable with myself, with my gender, with my whole person.
    11) I was totally searching for lesbian/bisexual youtubers and fascinated with everything they had to say. Thats also the actual reason why I started questioning myself. Why would I watch every single video I could find on that topic? Unconciously I was watchin it in a way, as if i were on their side… i dont know if its clear what i mean. I felt a connection, some understanding. I felt like them. And then I realized for the first time that I was feeling like them.
    11) I feel like I could not say with a 100% that Im straight. Maybe not exactly sure why, but if someone would ask me, the „straight“label would not feel fitting for me. Is that just a modern problem of a bored, selfdefinition-seeking, first-world society? (No offense to anyone, but Im asking that for myself, as Im not sure)

    Why i may be not:
    1) Am I liking porn just because I imagine being the girl?
    2) I dont like lesbian porn, but just because i think most of the girls are straight and doing it for turning on men, and i dont like the feeling of porn being done just to please male fantasies. I dont like the idea of threesomes and i definetely dont like the idea doing this for turning men on. I like my sexuality to be independent and a part of ME.
    3) Am I looking after girls because i find them pretty? Or because my culture taught me, that they are sexy, no matter what gender I am? Do I REALLY find girls hot or am i making this up? Where is the difference? A straight woman saying „hot“ about another woman and a bi-person doing so?
    4) Am i just making up the crushes for girls? Was i just flattered of her maybe liking me?
    5) Im 27 and I often hear this: „I knew it at a very young age/always.“ I didnt question my sexuality at a young age. My first crushes were for boys. But to be honest, my first crush ever was at the age of 17. Until then i totally didnt get what the f everyone was talking about.
    6) Biggest fear: Its all just in my imagination (despite the 2-3 times kissing a girl and liking it), I dont know if Im imagining something, what has nothing nothing to do with reality. I can totally imagine me being with a woman, but what happens if I meet one in real life? What if the feeling will be gone then totally?
    7) Am I trying to make me interesting? Not on purpose, but it seems to be „in“? Or are just more people comfortable coming out?

    Actually I have no issue with me being bi, but its just confusing and I would like to know for sure.

    Also, Im kinda out to my boyfriend. I was reading stuff on a page about bisexuality, trying to define what im feeling and he came in and saw what im reading. I was a little bit embarrassed, but his reaction was: oh what are you ashamed of? Just do what you think is right for you and makes you happy. (no question about threesomes, no shock, not even surprise, like if that has been totally clear and obvious to him)

    Also i had told him earlier, im attracted to women and find some women sexy, but I never used the label. That was at a time, where i wasnt really aware of that I could be REALLY BI (or just not bringing me and the label together). It just was naturally, without labeling, yeah i like women, no label, no social issues, just a pretty normal feeling and me feeling pretty normal with that feeling. But now I know it was easy to think or say that when Im living in a heteronormative relationship. Leaning back, fantasizing, without the heavy cross to carry around which comes with a same-sex relationship. But now…. I feel like im longing for a relationship with a woman also, or experience… or something, that would „proof“ my feeling.

    I know in the end I have to make it clear for myself, but i would like to hear your opinions or thoughts on that. What do you think? Am i bi? Straight? Lesbian?

    Thank you everyone who is reading this long story!
     
  2. Michimon1993

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    I'm going through pretty much the same thing right now. I'm "out" to my boyfriend too, but I'm terrified of breaking up with him to try dating a girl in case I end up with regrets and find that I'm not bi or gay or whatever :frowning2: I also want to make up my mind soon as I don't want to hurt him.

    Right now I'm just trying to get as much advice as possible and having a real good think about what I want. My boyfriend and I are also very open about it too which I think is important :slight_smile: I think, like me, it sounds like you're pretty fluid when it comes to sexual orientation. It's good that labels aren't important to you :slight_smile: Just listen to your feelings and let the answer come to you rather than forcing it. Best of luck, hope everything works out for you <3
     
  3. SHACH

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    You sound bi and it doesn't sound like your making it up. I have these same worries... bisexuality can be really confusing. All that you said about realising you like girls spurring you on to be more interested in style and beauty and also about it feeling like you've enlightened a dark patch inside you and become more confident and true to yourself - I really relate to those things. Those things really make me happy to embrace queerness wholeheartedly - if it makes me feel so right it can't be wrong. I hope you work things out too.
     
  4. UmaMae

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    Hey you two, thank you very much for your replies

    @ Michimon: yeah i totally understand what you feel.... as i discovered it i began wondering if my love towards my boyfriend was a lie... :frowning2: but im sure it isnt, i love him and im really really thankful that he gives me the opportunity to meet woman as well (not for his fun or fantasies, but to get me know myself better). but we also talked a lot about sexuality before that and had a somehow theoretically open relationship (noone ever took the opportunity). so i would not lose him if I would try to meet a girl. The heteronormativity is one thing one has to reflect on in life, for me monogamy is also a thing which is not necessarily the best option for everyone... it just took us to realize that love is not only sex and vice versa.
    But talking with the partner is always the best way.
    But nevertheless Im a scaredy-cat and not sure if Im ready to meet another woman while Im in a relationship now.
    But also, not even trying it once i would feel like Im denying my sexuality (and not only that, but my personality and everything I am)
    And as Im in a longterm relationship I just cant imagine never ever see the other side of the thing, of live of sex and love.
    And that may sound as that big prejudice that everyone has against bisexuals, that bisexuals cant be with one person, but thats not true. i (and my straight boyfriend) was thinking of polyamory and open relationships before i even realized i was bi. Also thats a very private thing for everyone to consider and the reason lies in the relationship between me and my boyfriend, so no need to judge this (just in case someone would ;-)) not knowing the persons and their circumstances cant form anything but assumptions

    @SHACH: to be honest, your reply almost brought me to tears, its so good to hear someone feeling in a similar way and also is validating the feelings I have...

    thanks you, both of you, this brings me somehow nearer to the thought that i am really bi
    but it really is hard... i caught myself thinking, that simply being one or the other side of the spectrum would be easier.... on the other hand, first time i embraced the thought of being bi for myself, the first time thinking in my own head: I may be bisexual, or i pretty sure am. This thought turned a switch, gave me a relief and opened my mind to a whole new world... which is really beautiful. Im excited and scared at the same time... but maybe a little bit more excited and curious.

    And actually I feel a freedom i felt never before and i love discovering the new side in me.
     
  5. UmaMae

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    Is it normal to feel more attracted to my own gender now, that i found out? Its like im seeking always women to look at, just to make sure im really attracted. That insecurity, which pops out now and then makes me crazy. its literally changing on an hourly base.
    ok, the whole admitting is new to me, i just had the thought that i might be bi a month ago maybe.

    Am i just overthinking it?

    And then there are times where i just can combine these two attractions into one, very calming, beautiful thing in my personality. but then comes the doubt again. more this, more that...?
    I know every theoretical answer, "theres no need to be attracted to both genders equally all the time.."
    yeah i know.

    but how are you dealing with these "out-of-nothing-thoughts: am i bi ENOUGH? am i TOO bi?
    (Kinsey switching from 2 to 4... first time i got 4 i was seriously a little bit shocked)

    to be honest, the bisexuality is such a whole new thing to me that im just so excited about the thought. sometimes very positive, sometimes very... doubtful.
    and now im thinking im more excited about the thought than over actual persons.

    you know what i mean?

    i dunno... maybe in the last years i always thought i would not care what people think about me. but now, i have this new side in me, which i think is really me, but in that short time after admitting it to myself im still struggling with the acceptance. and maybe i do care after all. especially maybe if im enough lgbt?? sorry if that sounds stupid, im just having the feeling to not fit in... neither straight nor gay.

    just... what do you do with that ups and downs? just let time do its thing? talking about it? finding lgbt groubs to talk about?

    some advice i would really appreciate...
    thank you
     
    #5 UmaMae, May 31, 2016
    Last edited: May 31, 2016
  6. Michimon1993

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    Omg, this was me to a tee! I used to overthink it so much I drove myself crazy. And what you said about it changing on an hourly basis? Saaaame. I used to think about it so much I'd feel very confident in labeling myself as bi, but then I'd see a guy I thought was cute and think, "Oh man, am I straight after all?" :frowning2:

    The important thing to remember is a) You are not alone! and b) Like you said yourself, there's no need to worry about labels. The most important thing is your own happiness. Rather than worrying about what title you fall under, why not just leave it untitled for now? I'm just learning this myself so I'm imparting some very fresh wisdom here that may or may not be very helpful, but I've found the best thing is to treat it like it's just another aspect of your personality, something else that makes you unique :slight_smile: No need for it to be a big deal or something to worry about, it's just another interesting aspect of YOU that makes YOU beautiful :slight_smile:

    Also, with regards to worrying if you're LGBT enough, I know how you feel. The LGBT Pride parade happened recently here in my city, and I desperately wanted to be a part of it but didn't feel that I was really "one of them", you know?

    I know it sounds cliched, but I think your feelings will tell you a lot. If you feel in your heart that you belong to this community, then you do. Simple as that. But try not to care too much about what other people think. If anyone was to question you and accuse you of being a phony (which they won't, and you're not) just remind yourself that you have nothing to prove to anyone. Love yourself, own your fears and listen to your own gut - no one else's.

    Wishing you lots of peace and love as you make this awesome journey of self-discovery :slight_smile: Also feel free to pm me if you ever feel you need someone to talk about things with.
     
  7. caliwoman

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    I can relate to you, OP. And I"m in my 30's/married.

    I wonder if my mind is playing tricks on me and if I what I feel is valid and true.