Hi everyone. I've been questioning my sexual identity for 6 years now. At its worst it has caused me depression and anxiety and at its best I've been able to contain the nagging thoughts and enjoy my life. I'm in one of those ruts at the moment (I recently had trouble getting hard with a girl, was getting hit on by one of my male classmates and turned down the opportunity to go to a girl's house after a party (I was pretty drunk mind you)). I would very much like to enjoy my summer and not be brought down by this depression. Here is what I know about myself: -Traditionally have only been attracted to girls. I've been pretty obsessed with straight pornography since I was 12 years old. -I did cross dress a few times when I was 12 or 13 (pretty funny to look back at). -I was in a long term relationship when I began to question my sexuality identity. Over a few months there were a few instances when I could not get erect during sex, and there were more times when I felt not completely aroused during sex. There were times when it was amazing but many other times when I was disengaged. -Broke up because I felt like I wanted to experience being with other people. Since then I've been sexually active with 10 girls. Some of the sex was very enjoyable but at least half of the times I felt nervous about not maintaining an erection. -I was legitimately in love with one of my girl friends for a very long time but nothing ever happened. A few times she hinted at the fact that she MIGHT see me in a romantic way and it was actually one of the most exciting things I ever experienced. Since then she got a boyfriend and I was crushed for a bit. I don't really think about her that much anymore but whenever I see her (even read her name) I get excited. -I've never been erect at the thought of a guy but I have felt some "feelings" around a few of my male friends. I'm not sure if it's attraction or just anxiety that I might be attracted to them. -Dreams are interesting. I think I might have had a few dreams where I did something sexual with a guy but I think it made me feel uncomfortable in the dream. Many other dreams with girls when I'm worried about not being hard during sex. And a few dreams where I've been genuinely ecstatic to find out my ex girlfriend or that friend I mentioned earlier were single and wanted me (I had a dream about my ex-girlfriend last night on that very subject). -For years I have TENTATIVELY believed that I might anxiety on this subject might be a form of obsessive compulsive thinking. I've tried to generally accept the discomfort that arises from sexual confusion. However, there is always the meta concern that I've buying into this idea of me having OCD as a form of gay denial. My question is this: what should I do moving forward? I so badly want to have either good sexual or romantic relations with women but I'm not sure if I'm just being a fraud and faking my straight-ness.
I think you're focusing too hard on what you feel sexually instead of romantically towards figuring out your sexuality. That is just my opinion on your story, however it is common to be attracted to a gender sexually but not romantically. I think going foward you should focus on your romantic feelings more and be open to the possibility of you being different sexualities. Maybe experiment more and test out some of the things you're questioning. Sometimes it's a trial and error process of figuring out who you are. Also I think it's good to remember that your sexuality isnt your whole identity.
I completely understand your confusion. I didn't figure things out until I was so far along that I was married. I finally came around once I started looking at gay porn. Have you ever tried this? What sort of feelings do you get when you look at it? Once I realized I was getting off on that, I knew I wasn't 100% straight.
