Hi! Some time ago I posted here, but I was in great doubt about everything. Now I came back, but with still lots of doubts. Basically 6 months ago, I, after a meditation attempet, decided to think different about men, and then, the same sex attraction and desired I buried unconciously (I guess, not sure), came with force, like a punch in my face. Then this haven't stopped, suggesting that I was never straight like I thought. But I'm still not really sure about what's going on. I can still masturbate to women, but it's not strong as the desire I have for men. However, I don't think I'll ever accept these stuff. I considered suicide, and live every day with these thoughts, and I know this side of me wanting to die is strong, and able to do that. But I'm coming here to ask..... is there still any hope for me into having a women? Man, I must say all my teenage years this was never a concern for me, really. I had lots of spontaneous erections for women.... but at some point this seemed to get a little more weak, without me consciously noticing that. The problem is, with this attempet with masturbation for men, I got stronger orgasms than I haven't felt long ago.... can it be that I'm fluid? But then, these days, I went to the lab to do my summer project, and i meet an asian girl that's hot! I felt some desire inside me....not an erection, and not strong like I feel with men, but this sometimes keep happening. Is this cultural construct, or I'm somewhat fluid, but with a stronger preference for man? What's going on? And more important, just waiting can make this shift again? I can't accept having a relationship with a man....I always look into women so gorgeous and beautiful that I can't simply be without them.... even with this much more strong preference for men. What's going on? Please, somebody help me. I cry every fucking day...I feel like I'm dead inside....
You need to get used to and accept the idea that you are not 100% straight, I realize this can be an extremely hard thing to do. You cant make yourself straight(trust me I tried for many years) so you might as well get used to it and you will never be happy until you accept it. I had depression for years and since I came out to myself last October I have felt pretty great, and that includes losing friends after I came out to them. People will come and go from your life but you are always stuck with yourself so you need to like and love yourself for who you are and that might involve changing how you feel about LGBT people. If I can help in some other way or if you want to talk let me know.
