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Anyone here coming from a very conservative Christian background and questioning?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Jackie13, Jun 4, 2016.

  1. Jackie13

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    So I come from a very conservative Christian community. I've never heard of anyone from our specific Protestant group being a lesbian. Over the years, I've wondered briefly if I could be lesbian, but never gave it too much thought. I always flung the thought back into the abyss of "That's not something I want to think about." But lately.....Problem is, when even considering the question seems like a betrayal of everything I've ever known, it's a pretty scary question to ask. You know those Christians who believe being gay is an abomination? Well, that's the background I grew up in.

    So how do you know? How does a person know if they are just really confused or if it really is true about yourself? I'm in my late 20's and I've never dated. Ever. Never really wanted to. Okay, so I wanted to be loved, cared for, wanted a loving, close relationship intensely, but the idea of a guy and a relationship with one felt.....strange. For a guy to look at me with interest and attraction is even weirder, making me completely uncomfortable. Always figured it was just me and the repressed atmosphere I grew up in. But could it be more than that?

    I still think I have to be straight. But if that's the case, why have I been a total wreck for the past week since I first let myself honestly ask myself the question about being a lesbian, or for that matter, being bisexual? And I've told myself rather sternly to stop even considering the question, but...no dice. Not working.

    So, how do you know? How did you know? And, if coming from a strict religious background, how did you reconcile the thought with that? I feel like age 28 is kinda late to suddenly realize I might not be straight. What is this? Just some kind of crisis? I'd appreciate any thoughts you might have.

    Thanks.
     
  2. Rachyl

    Rachyl Guest

    To be perfectly honest, I didn't have my first sexual partner until I was 28 so I understand that. I spent twenty years in a very traditional Catholic religious cult, so I was supposed to become a religious, and not get involved with anyone.

    Sad to say that I never questioned my sexual orientation, due to being used to obeying what I was taught. I didn't find out I was anything queer related until I was 40.

    So please realize that 28 is not too late to find out, it is never too late to come out or even just start to question. Until you are ready to understand yourself, it will take time, there is no deadline in which to figure yourself out.

    So no rush ok?

    I believe *my opinion only here* that each of us need to get to a place where we are able to accept ourselves. Sometimes that is at a very young age. Sometimes it takes longer.

    It never helps that you are taught that you are evil, or that individuals are evil because of who they love or attracted to. This type of perpetual programming, can cause people like us to hide ourselves even from our own conscious mind.

    It may be that you are finally able to feel safe enough inside to start the process of questioning who you really are.

    I hope this helps.(*hug*)
     
  3. Jackie13

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    Thanks for replying. It does. A little. I've only in the last five years really questioned the religious culture I grew up in, and only in the last year really started pushing the boundaries. I've never seriously questioned, largely because I never heard it discussed as a teenager. Any sexual expression other than straight wasn't even an option, though I did know that gays existed and what they were. It's only since I've been an independent adult and moved away from my family that I have done any research or asked any questions.

    But I never felt like I fit, as a woman, I mean, among the other women I knew, and just figured it was me being weird for some unexplainable reason. I had to laugh at a few of the articles I found when I googled, "How do you know you are a lesbian?" Some of them were corny, and intended to be half-humorous, but when I found myself chuckling and saying "Yup, that's me," I felt a bit of relief.

    Doesn't help matters that all this questioning comes in the middle of intense self-hatred and self-contempt, not for simply asking the question about my sexuality, but just a lot of self-hatred about who I am as a person that I've felt ever since I know anything long before I ever really questioned my sexuality. Asking these questions just makes me feel like I'm really messed up, sexually and otherwise!!! Arrggh!

    Thanks for the reminder that I don't need to be in a rush....I'm glad someone else understands where I'm coming from.
     
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  4. noxy

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    Jackie -

    I am sorry to hear all of these emotions you're experiencing. "Intense self-hatred and self-contempt" sounds pretty miserable.

    I, too, come from a strong religious background. I grew up Catholic in Southern Louisiana. My parents divorced when I was in middle school, though, so they didn't force me down the Catholic path (seeing as the Catholic Church isn't particularly fond or supportive of divorced members). In high school I began to dabble with non-denominational communities, some being very horrible about LGBT and some not so much. I eventually fell into a church I felt comfortable with but I was never, ever able to embrace the "gays go to Hell just for being gay" messaging. In all honestly, it was always one of the major issues in churches that determined whether or not I went back.

    I fought with crushes on other females throughout high school and college, but once again, Southern Louisiana. So I pushed it to the back of my mind, flirted with men, dated men, slept with men, married a man, etc.

    Here lately, though, I've been struggling both with myself and within my marriage a lot. With this struggle comes returning emotions of feelings for women - especially one whom I've always liked. I have also been working through a lot of self-loathing, but it hasn't just revolved around my feelings toward women.

    I am angry with myself for the way I allow myself to be treated by others, I am disgusted with myself for how I've allowed my health to deteriorate, I am embarrassed to wear certain outfits or show my upper-arm, I am fighting with wanting to work my marriage our or cut and run, is it me or is it him or is it both of us?

    I am facing myself dead-on in the mirror and realizing that I as a person am changing. My mind is expanding as I grow older and I am exploring things about myself which I never allowed myself to focus on before. I believe we all do this at different stages throughout our lives - puberty isn't the only major change we all experience.

    For me, the change started with hating everything about myself and my life. Once I was finally so tired of hating myself all of the time, I sought help.

    I have been in counseling for a few months now. My counselor is teaching me to work through my thoughts and form new decisions. She is teaching me that it is okay to speak up for my thoughts, even if they contradict what I've thought before - because, once again, I am expanding as a person. I have found tremendous peace in having someone to confide in and someone who can help me decide the best ways for me to be strong and move forward.

    I haven't made any black or white decisions, and I don't want to. I want to explore this gray area as long as I need to so that I can move forward confidently.

    She's not there to tell me what is wrong, what is right, or what decisions to make. She is there to help me think for myself again. When you're in a community that has linear thinking which is opposite of yours, sometimes you forget how to recognize your own feelings, or you feel wrong for acknowledging them and force yourself to think like everyone else - because in the end, it's going to save you, right?

    Jackie, I have suffered with spouts of depression for the majority of my lifetime. This is the first time I've faced it and said, "Let's get this over with" instead of just pushing it away and going through the motions of every day life.

    If you are hating yourself and struggling with self-loathing, please do not let it go on for long. If it becomes a problem, recognize it as such and seek help. There are a lot of misconceptions about what therapy is. In the end, for me, it is a confidant who listens to me, asks questions that help me think through my feelings, and helps me be more confident in standing up for myself and my feelings.

    I know it's not a popular thought and I know ALL of the arguments and scriptures against it, but in my heart, I can't feel any reason why you cannot be a Christian and LGBT as well. You do not have to abandon your faith to travel down the road you face.

    From what I read, you are more willing to face your romantic leanings than I am at this point, and I applaud you. That takes strength, but don't let it drain you if you are feeling crushed. Seek help, seek friends.

    Good luck along the way!! :eusa_clap

    Noxi
     
  5. Jackie13

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    Noxi,

    Thank you so much. Yeah, I get that about the "gays going to hell for being gays." Never was able to jump on that bandwagon, largely because I've never been totally comfortable with who I'm supposed to be. So yeah, deep down, I believe it's probably possible to reconcile my faith with being gay. God and my faith in Him is really important to me, so I do know at some point I'm gonna have to deal with all that.

    However, like you said, I too want to give myself time to explore this. What I'd really like to do is actually just meet some lesbians and find out what they are like. I'd just like to talk to them and connect with them. Absolutely no thought in dating, but just simply connecting with them and finding out if maybe I "fit" there, if maybe I'm not totally crazy for considering this? Okay, I know I'm not crazy. :icon_wink It's just, most of my life, I've felt like a misfit, as my thinking has never matched the "linear thinking" I've been taught.

    Your ideas on therapy? Yes, I'm currently in therapy, have been for about a year. And yes, it is amazing to simply have someone to talk to, to walk alongside you as you grow and change. And my self-contempt is only one of many things we are talking about. She's helped me to live with the self-contempt and face myself honestly rather than just running from it and hating myself even more for doing that! It's getting better, slowly, just it's still really hard some days.....

    My therapist is amazing, but I don't know how accepting she would be of considering the idea of being gay. She is a conservative Christian, after all. It's a trip for me to wrap my head around the idea of being gay! Not sure how she'd do it. I do know she's never very surprised by anything I say, :slight_smile: and she would respond with love and caring and understanding, not condemnation, but I don't think she'd encourage me to pursue the thought....So, anyway, we shall see.

    You sound like an amazing person, Noxi, one who is willing to look at the hard stuff and walk into it rather than just struggling alone. Thank you for giving of yourself to me in your post. Cheers and best wishes!

    Jackie
     
    #5 Jackie13, Jun 5, 2016
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  6. Karlyn

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    Hi,

    I'm new to this site and I feel that we have the same story. Christian family. Christian beliefs. But lately I've been questioning this and this led me to this site.

    I wanted to explore, know myself more without actually giving clues to the people around me. Is this possible? Maybe not. Do i want it. Absolutely.

    I know this thread is 2yo but I wanted to know how are you and if you actually were able to figure out things for you.
     
  7. lookingup9

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    Hi friend,

    I'm not OP, but I can tell you I've had somewhat of a similar experience too. I was raised Roman Catholic and attended Catholic schools my whole childhood and teenage years up until college, I spent a great deal of time in church, praying, adoration, at youth group, and in religion classes. I had my first crush on a girl when I was about 10 years old. And only about a year ago, at 20, did I finally accept the fact I'd known deep down for a while - I am not straight.

    So I've done my fair share of questioning. I didn't genuinely consider that I might be gay until I was in high school, so 14 or 15 years old at least. Then I pushed that to the back of my mind - not only did I not want to be gay, but I didn't think it could be possible. I went to such lengths to convince myself I was straight, which was made easier because I could look at boys and think they were attractive, though I never really wanted to date any guys. I told myself it was normal to have "girl crushes". But part of me knew that what I was feeling was different than other girls. I was totally unbothered by never having a boyfriend, I never really felt like I needed one. My heart would race and I would get nervous and flustered around whatever unsuspecting straight girl I happened to be fixated on at the time. I would hear songs on the radio where a guy sang about a beautiful girl and imagine myself singing to the girls I liked, not the guy singing to me. I even allowed myself to think once - "If (girl I really liked) asked me to be her girlfriend, would I say yes?" and I knew that I would have.

    But I was terrified to be gay. We were taught in school that it was a sin to live a homosexual lifestyle, and if someone was gay they just had to be celibate and alone forever. There were girls in my class who were starting to realize they were gay, including one of my best friends. People gossiped about them like they were weird and gross. But I didn't ever see how loving a same sex person could be a sin if it wasn't hurting anyone. I couldn't accept that. I got to a point where I decided I disagreed with the church in that regard, but I still didn't wanna admit that I myself could be gay.

    In the last year, I spent so much time thinking and reflecting and eventually was able to come to terms with the fact that I'm not straight and I'm ok with that. I never thought during my Catholic upbringing that I would get to the point where I would ever make peace with it, let alone tell other people, but here I am. I don't know why I typed out all of this, but I'm hoping some of this will be relatable to you. I'm glad you're wanting to explore this and you can message me if you ever wanna talk.
     
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  8. androgynousdog

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    you are definitely not alone in suffering a conservative upbringing. there is no time limit on discovering yourself. those teachings can leave scars even late in life. you are valid and you are in a place of support! (coming from a person who was also raised in a very roman catholic household and was closeted for most of their teenage life)
     
  9. androgynousdog

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    please try and treat yourself with compassion op. love and compassion that you deserve.
     
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  10. Rin311

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    I come from a conservative Christian upbringing, too (Protestant in my case). When you can't fit the demands of that culture and belief system because you're gay, it can feel like the end of the world. We all deserve so much better than that.
     
  11. Brandy Bee

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    Raised Catholic. Ruined my self esteem and spirituality in one fell swoop.
    Some community. Rejects my God- Made mind and feelings, as it rejects Satan himself.
    They can fix it, through the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, they say.
    Immaculate conception? How about immaculate- stop- making- your- devotees-a- bunch-of- hypocritical- sanctimonious- hate- filled- in- disguise- chauvinists- sheep and bigots?!
    What was wrong with me? I did my best, you said it's all God wanted, but I was rejected and hated anyway. I met violence, derision, ostracism. Denied my voice.
    Is this my cross to bear, or am I really just evil?
    I found joy and love elsewhere, thank you very much. On my last day, I suppose I'll ask for forgiveness for ALL wrongdoings, even the ones my mortal mind is apparently ill- equipped to comprehend.
    Then we'll have a talk.
    At least love me enough to show You that I loved by Your Word.
    We'll have a talk
    Just
    He
    And
    I
     
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  12. Tightrope

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    You make a lot of good points. I grew up in this faith but practicing your faith was a personal thing and not a big deal. Going to church seemed like the right thing to do to my family and you just went to make an appearance. As for sex and sexuality, it was not mentioned much at all at home. With so many people who remained single on both sides of the family, no one made any judgmental comments because the reasons for that could be so many, including reasons related to sexuality. DADT, it seems. The negative effect on self esteem and spirituality, in my case, might have come from the church and their educational system more so than from my household. It depends where you live, too. Some people go to churches where they can be open about their private lives and be accepted while some go on a DADT basis where most people can probably figure it out but don't care. They can definitely dish out the disappointment and a lot of people I know have been on the receiving end of it and have moved on.
     
  13. Brandy Bee

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    I always found it was just another safe space for mean spirited people to act like assholes and take it out on outsider group x or y
     
  14. PatrickUK

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    Unfortunately, conservative Christians approach the Bible in a very one dimensional way and develop a kind of tunnel vision towards it. They choose to ignore the huge problems in such an approach or how it places them and everybody they encounter in an untenable bind. Raising the Bible to the position of Gods own word, they claim to take every line literally so there is nowhere to go, and it's really dishonest because they actually know better. The Priests and Pastors know full well that the Bible is a litany of contradictions that cannot be taken literally in every respect and any person who made such a choice would find themselves locked up!

    If we want a mature and healthy relationship with the Christian faith we must first accept that the Bible is not Gods own work and is not to be taken literally in every respect. Many of the so called "clobber passages" that are used to condemn LGBT people need to be read and understood within the entire chapter of which they are part and not extracted and used in isolation. More importantly they need to be understood in context. Again, the Priests and Pastors know all of this because they learn about it at theological seminary, but they (or their church) choose to take a different approach that keeps the faithful in check... or does it? I would suggest most Catholics are lax on at least one of the churches moral teachings and that's because they have - in good conscience - arrived at a different perspective. And if it happens with Catholics you can bet your life that the same is true within the Protestant churches too.

    The real problem isn't our sexuality at all. The real problem exists within the structures of the church of which you are a member. It's not all churches that are set up in this way, but the more conservative ones very definitely are.
     
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  15. LaneyM

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    I laughed because it's so damn true. My experience with Catholicism (for the first 20ish years of my life) is that it simply makes people miserable. I was also homeschooled K-12, which means basically everyone I associated with til I was about 16 shared my family's beliefs so I was very isolated from other ideas. My parents were (and are) Fox News conservatives. Gays and lesbians were made fun of and treated as abominations in my house. I had one lesbian relative, a distant cousin, and we didn't associate with her. When I first started having crushes on girls I remember how badly it tormented me. I became super religious for the majority of my teens because I was afraid and ashamed and I just wanted to marry a nice boy and get rid of the others feelings and make my parents happy. Which is basically what I did. But around the time I got married I started questioning my religion, going to therapy for related anxiety/depression and being told that some of the things my parents did were emotional abuse. After I started clearing a lot of that stuff up and feeling independent enough to define my identity and beliefs, all those thoughts and feelings about my sexuality came back, but this time I was comfortable at least considering them. I was still pretty resistant and troubled over it for a while, after all, I am married, but talking to people who are going through the same thing has really helped me feel a lot better about myself and my sexuality.

    To the OP @Jackie13, I don't think it's too late and I think it's very understandable to be where you are. I'm 27 and went through a lot of the same thoughts. It is definitely a process, but you will feel so much better if you recognize that any guilt or shame you might feel comes from without, and was inflicted on you at an impressionable age. When I think about it that way, I feel a lot more compassion for my 15 year old self, who was just trying her best to navigate a difficult world. Take care and write on my wall if you ever want to talk.
     
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