Okay so I've tried to write this thread multiple times, but in the end it looked like a pure mess. I'm trying to make a logical story out of this. So, as you can see from my orientation box, I know I can like girls. Heck, I've even had this big crush on a girl in high school. well, crush.... more like head over heels in love. I would literally do anything for her. It lasted a couple of years, but only started to realize I was whipped for this girl only a few months ago (when my feelings for her started to reduce). It was at the same time I got a punch to the face, a real bloody fist, that liking girls is not 'normal'. The 'You might be gay'-realization punch. I never was interested in guys that much, more like fake-crushes. I liked them in a friend way and I still do. I can find guys attractive, like 'you are good-looking', but that's it. That is were it stops. So that sounds pretty gay right? Still I can't wrap my mind around these facts, I can't. My brain just won't translate the 'you are a girl who likes girls and guys well no (not yet?)' to 'It seems you are gay'. I acknowledge my feelings for girls, but I don't acknowledge the fact that I might be gay. Before I realized that I could be that, I just was naive towards my emotions. I just liked girls and I was not ashamed of it. Untill the world began to respond: ''Are you gay or what are you?'' And I said I didn't know. I began to doubt my feelings. what were they exactly? My world began to judge me as well, trying to get me of my 'phase'. I just hadn't met the right man, etc etc. They did not believe my feelings anymore. Even my mom had struggles with it and/or doubts my feelings. My mom, a person who knew me so well, was doubting me, did not believe what was happening? I tried talking about my feelings, but every time I talked about it towards persons I trusted (which were like, 2), my deepest inner feelings, I was already being judged before I could do my whole story, so I would just shut up. It felt like they did not believe me before I spoke just one scentence: ''I can like girls''. But I tried to do reveal bits and bits, but it did not help. I was just ''confused'' like all other teenagers, this lifestyle was not for me, etc. I became more and more confused about my own feelings and felt trapped. I did not want to talk to anyone about it anymore because everyone seemed to have an opinion about it. Before, I was so naive about my own feelings for girls that I had somewhat outed myself before even realizing that I could be gay. And now I've come to realise what it actually ment, I am stuck at bargaining stage. So I am still in this confused stage yes, becasue I am still at bargaining, and at the same time my surroundings know this and try to get a hold of this bargaining. And every time I am a bit sure about it all, (like yea well I am gay for now, that may change, but for now I am this) my surroundings try to downright avert that. So how do you get out of bargaining when your surroundings are bargaining as well? (for you, like ''you just need to meet the right man'') I guess it's just time and becoming more sure about yourself as time passes. Sorry people this just needed to get out, anyone who read this well damn what have you done? :')
My way of getting through my inner-searching is to block everyone else out so I've got time to deal with it myself. Just my thoughts with a pen and paper. Do you care about being gay? Or is it the judgements of others that you feel is mostly the problem?
yeah I do the same, I write, I write I write. But it is really difficult to block everyone out and trust my own gut, because that is a thing, I don't trust my feelings/instinct anymore. (It is coming back, slowly) I do not care about being gay, if I was sure of it. That is the thing, that I can never be sure of it. My feelings can change. And that is not a problem at all, that feelings can change, but I would be so ashamed of it if it were. If I claim to be something but turn out to be not that something, I would be ashamed. The shame mostly comes from the judgments of others I think, it's because of the judgements of others that I became to realize that I could be gay, but these judgements also lead to me doubting my feelings. Because I am now in this vulnurable state (bargaininggg), those comments/judgements have a lot of effect on me. I think I am just going to continue on writing and like you said, try to block all the comments from the outside (even from the persons who know me best). Thanks for replying
I think the best thing that happened to me was when I stopped obsessing about the label and then just told myself to go with the flow. Whoever I like, I pursue. I made it that much simpler. At that age it is true that it is a bit of a bumpy ride (at least in my experience) because at least for me my "hormones" so-to-speak were on their top level. Oddly enough, a couple years down the line I started to feel more "asexual". I realized that this change had more to do with my physical maturation and exiting of the teenage years than what it had to do with my identity. What I am trying to say is that things can be unpredictable. One day you like redheads. Next day you like brunnettes. One day you are feeling Blake Lively and then another day you wonder why you fantasized about her in the first place. Life is just like that, full of surprises. If people are pressuring you to identify or if they are forcing labels onto you, the best thing for you to realize is that only YOU know YOU the most. So if you are not sure then they sure as heck don't know what they are talking about. So if I was in that situation, I would say some thing like "well, that's your perspective, how do you know that you have not met the right woman yet?" so as to flip the question around and make them realize that it is a bit silly that they are telling you how to identify. And what if it was "a phase". Then what? Does that make it illegitimate? Does that make it less real? NO. Whatever you feel, is how you feel. Period. No one can tell you who you are. Only you can say that. Gosh, this was long-winded. Hope it was okay!
haha no worries, you put so much effort in this! But all I can say that I tell this to myself every freaking night, but I am still not accepting my gay side lol. And yea it's a bit silly they are telling me how to identify, whilst I did not even come out 'out', I was just crazy over girls but I never said I was gay or anything like that, maybe said ''Okay I am bisexual'' to shove it off/end the conversation. But yea like I said still at bargaining with the acceptance.. And then your surroudings are trying to convince you that you are not gay at the same time.... It fucks me up. Thanks for answering haha It was a real nice message
