Bi or Lesbian??

Okay. So, this may be quite a long post, but I really need help in figuring some stuff out. It also may be quite a bit TMI, but I feel like the whole picture needs to be understood in order to get the full scope of what's going on for me right now.

Alright, so, I first began identifying as bisexual approximately 3 years ago (I'm 23yo now). I can recognize that I had my first crush on a girl as early as 6 years old and my first very strong one at 13. However, I was raised in a pretty conservative environment (Texas) and was taught to be pretty homophobic until I was in college. It was then (20yo) that I accepted that I was not straight.

Everything was good with regards to my identity as a bisexual woman until about a year ago. It was then that I really started questioning whether I was bi or a lesbian. To clarify, until recently (about 2 months ago) I had been in a monogamous relationship with a boy for 8.5 years. Yes, we began dating when we were 14 and dated all throughout high school and college. It was only this past year after graduating that I decided to break up with him. My reasons for breaking up with him aren't specifically due to me questioning my identity (we had other issues going on within the relationship), but I'd be lying if I didn't suspect, in hindsight, that this was the case for at least a part of the reasoning behind the break up.

The break up was hard, and I can honestly I say I love/d him. However, I am beginning to question whether or not I loved him in the way someone who is attracted to men 'should be'. As I look back on our relationship, I realize that I wasn't completely honest with myself on what I wanted (I was 14 after all). I can distinctly remember not having a crush on him when we started dating despite saying that I did. Instead, I remember having a very strong crush on a girl while many of my friends kept telling me that I should definitely date the boy I ended up dating. A lot of people I knew at the time were telling us we should date, and it was very obvious that he liked me more than a friend. But me? I was very confused. I hadn't even considered him in that way until someone else pointed it out to me. I remember thinking in hindsight that "oh yeah, I guess he's attractive now that you mention it". But there were no butterflies in the stomach, blushing, sweaty palms, etc. (all the things that usually accompany a crush). Instead, I had all of those things for the girl who sat next to me in one of our classes. But in the end I decided to try it, because my reasoning was: Certainly it's there if everyone else sees it, right?"

So, I told him I liked him too despite not being really sure if I did. When we became boyfriend/girlfriend, he was overjoyed while I didn't feel much change. I was hesitant to go out on dates, and I had a lot of nights of convincing myself how I should feel. "I should be excited", "I should be excited to go on a date with him", etc etc. I even remember the first night we kissed, I didn't feel anything, and I guilted myself for weeks for it. I overcompensated by making sure I'd feel something next time - by initiating it next time.

But the truth is...things rarely ever came naturally to me. I'd have to remind myself to hold his hand or sometimes kiss him. I'd have to tell myself I should compliment him more. Hell, even checking him out didn't come naturally. In all of our eight years together, we never had sex. We did do some intimate things, but I never felt the desire to go fully.

The kicker though is that I desired all of these things with girls. I know I should've seen this coming or something...I mean, looking back on it and how I didn't really confront what was going on within me for so long really makes me feel shitty. I even developed a very, very strong crush on another girl while in the relationship - which I know is wrong. I never acted on it, but it was there. But I remember thinking things like...wishing he was a girl. When I began to suspect he liked someone else, I remember thinking he should just tell me, so we could both have what we wanted.

And the real clincher is I remember when I began questioning my sexuality...the only real thing that kept me from considering being a lesbian was him. Because I'm still convinced that I loved him. Our relationship wasn't completely loveless or devoid of all attraction. In some way, I was drawn to him, but I'm not entirely sure in what way. Because it didnt start like most crushes do. I didn't daydream of being with him.

And...when I look back at all the "crushes" I've had on boys (which aren't many), they all follow the same pattern. I don't remember experiencing them the way others describe crushes or how I have felt crushes on girls. With girls, I imagine holding them and kissing them. I've dreamt about them. But with boys, I dont get excited by the thought of kissing them. I don't want them to hold me.

But I'm not repulsed by it either and I wasn't repulsed by my ex-boyfriend. I'm just unsure if I actually was attracted to him or I just convinced myself I should be for so long.

Another thing is that I actually fear "ending up" with a guy and am 99% sure that if I were to get in a relationship with one, I'd still be wishing I was with a girl instead.

But...the thought of being a lesbian for some reason is very scary to me. Part of me thinks it's because I was brought up with putting a very negative connotation with the word lesbian or the concept of being a lesbian. Or it's just scary "to go all the way" and accept myself. Or maybe I'm just afraid of confronting what's been there all along. (Another thing to note is that I came out to my parents shortly after the break-up which ended up being a huge mistake. They haven't been cruel to me, but they are very conservative and are homophobic and were not supportive. I'm pretty sure they think it's just a phase or they secretly hope for me to just end up dating a boy).

All in all, I'm in a very confusing time in my life, and I realize that it's really only me who can make this decision. But I was just wondering/hoping anyone one here may have some guidance or had a similar experience? I really want to be able to date girls without worrying too much where on the spectrum I'm on. I honestly don't understand why it's stressing me out. If you read all of this, thank you. I appreciate it (*hug*)

 

Thanks both of y'all for the response! After a lot of thought, I think I'm slowly going to start getting myself used to the idea of identifying as a lesbian. It may take me a while, but I feel like there are a lot of signs throughout my life that are leading up to this. Unfortunately, growing up in a conservative/homophobic environment make take me a while to become completely comfortable with myself, but it's getting there bit by bit. Thank you for the help though. I think it's just "scarier" for some reason to admit to myself that I don't like boys, since society wants you to so badly as a woman. I'll be working on it though

 

Hmmm, well, I guess i was able to fantasize about doing sexual acts like kissing with my ex, but....I guess the thing that's different than when I fantasize about women is...I'm not actively involved if that makes sense? Like, it wasn't until way into our relationship that it hit me that I should be wanting to touch him when we were more intimate. And, honestly, the thought of taking a more active role in what was going on waa a complete turn off to me at first until I convinced myself to do so. So, I'm not entirely sure the arousal I felt was just because arousal makes you feel good or because I was actually sexually attracted to him. Given that I had no real desire to actually have sex with him, it's hard for me to say that I was attracted to him sexually or physically.

As for other men, I can't remember another man I had a significant crush on where I imagined being romantic with them. I had 2 with women during my relationship,, but none with other men. In fact, my friends(who were straight women) used to tease me in high school because I seemed completely uninterested in talking about boys or sex. If I try to come up with an ideal man (which is already difficult as I'm not sure who this would be?), I dont like imagining myself in a relationship with a man even if they were seemingly perfect. This may sound strange, but when I imagine myself in a relationship with a man, I have to imagine a "different" me from who I feel I am inside. Like, I know regardless of who you're with shouldnt change you, but I feel like I'd have to act a certain way that I would end up hating if I was in a relationship with a man. I don't enjoy imaginging myself having sex or being in a relationship with a man. Additionally, I have never had a crush on a male actor or fictional character.

I guess the major thing that's holding me back is that I was able to fall in love with my ex who was a man, but I'm not entirely sure if it was a love I was really suited for or if it really aligned with my sexuality. I think it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that I am a lesbian - I just think it may take a while to sink in that it's okay for me not to feel compelled to be attracted to men. I can tell my parents are desperately hopng for me to date another man and eventually marry one, but I know I do not want that. But that's unfortunately was what was ingrained in me for 23 years, and it's a bit scary to challenge and attempt to root out. Thank you so much for this response though. It helps a lot.