So, a lot of the posts on here are about how confusing and disorienting discovering your sexual identity can be. I've had plenty of that. Still do. But I also have this odd sense of peace, of relaxation, of freedom, of relief. The more I look at myself honestly, the more I feel like I'm coming home and the less disoriented I feel. Has anyone else felt this during their journey of sexual discovery and awakening? I've always felt like a misfit, and realizing that I might be lesbian feels like a big sigh of relief. I've always felt so uncomfortable because I felt like I had to force myself to be something, to be like other people. Exploring the realization of what it means to be gay feels like suddenly finding out who I am. Hmm. Maybe that's what I'm doing! My confidence has even increased in the past few days, like "this is who I am and it's okay!" It never felt okay to be me before. Why it's so odd to me is because of the conservative, most likely homophobic circles I come from. I do know that if my exploration results in the settled acceptance that I am lesbian, I will practically be disowned by most of my family, friends, and community. So I know it's not the easy route. The route of least conflict would be to stay straight. So why am I not more terrified by the idea of accepting the fact that I could be gay? It just seems to go against all hard logic when I know what the reaction of people around me would be, and how painful it could be. Why is a large part of me on Cloud 9 when reality is pretty rough? What emotions did some of the rest of you experience during this journey? Anyone who can relate to the having the opposite feelings of relief and confusion? Jackie
I can relate a lot. I used to feel like such a misfit, like I was from another planet entirely. I thought I was just too different from everyone else. But when I realized I was trans and bi-ish and whatnot, I started feeling that, hey, I might be a bit closer to the average human being after all. I did feel a lot of relief and stuff, as well.
God no, I wasn't even slightly calm. I was a wreck, for 2 years! I would obsess about it all day every day to the point where I was up until 3/4:00 am trying to figure out what I was feeling, and it was exhausting. I would then get so sick of feeling SO bad that I would purposefully ignore it, put it in a box, lock it up, and throw it in the Thames. But now that I've had my first proper adult sized crush on a real (non-celebrity) woman, things have finally changed. And it only took 2 and a half years! :eusa_clap But now I'm convinced more than ever. 100% positive for the first time in my life and right now I feel relaxed and calm and on top of the world! I know that I'll have to tell my family and friends, and I know that they'll doubt the sincerity of it, but I know, and that is the most important thing for me presently. #WomenRock
Yep I definitely felt this until I had to face the fallout of the suspicions of my family, and then a bit of heartbreak due to my trigger crush, and a little shame too. Yep I was feeling sort of enlightened to my true self and confident and then in a few dark months I was in complete turmoil until I tried to reprioritise my life. Now I am a mixture of the two but mostly just not thinking about it.
