Even though I am really stressed by the topic of this post all the fun stuffs you can do to text here is too much fun not to screw wit... About three years ago (I was 11 at the time) I started to realize while all the other girls in my class had crushes on boys and such.. I didn't. I mean, Sure. Peer pressure is a bit of a B even at that age so I often engaged in conversation but I never voiced a crush to anyone. I was friends with all boys, minus one girl who was as fake as they come and only friends with me because her Mom thought I was a good role model; I discovered recently. She hung around with girls who liked to giggle and coo over guys that I, romantically, wouldn't spit on if they were on fire. I was good friends with all of them for a long time- In the next two years I would distance myself.. Girls, from a young age, will hate you for being close to they're childhood crushes and like to spread rumors; and when someone you think of as a brother admits they like you (Alot) it isn't the same. I was never attracted to boys that I cared for greatly, I never blushed when they said I looked nice and i'd be damned if someone tried to tell me we'd be cute together. Actually, the only time i've cried outside of a panic attack was when I realized I'd never liked any boys and everyone thought I did. I felt like people didn't belive me, or that I shouldfeel that way. Then, in the beginning of last year, My Dad's friend bought a dirtbike off of us and we delivered it due to his trucks transmission being dead as a doornail. He had a daughter a year younger than me (12) and a son (8). I instantly took a liking to the girl- she was great. She was rather small for her age and not classically beautiful but she regarded me at first like she was the Queen of England and I was a mouse who had the audacity to steal from the kitchen. She warmed up to me quickly, and we exchanged E-mails. At that point I took her as a friend, But I was *Bit* more protective when it came to horsing around with her, her brother and mine. Over the next couple months we visited them and vise versa. I met her almost step-brother, Whom I promptly told off for his views on mice and the removal of them from the house/yard, Something that I think suprised her because he was attractive enough to make a normal girl my age, just discovering boys, at least a little nervous. That summer I went to a week-long stayaway camp where the girls I bunked with made me cough up my entire crush history- or lack there of. They didn't understand why "Someone as pretty as me didn't have a boyfriend" I encountered the same thing with a different female friend and two friends of hers later. After a long email back-and-forth with the younger girl and more visits I started to really, really like her. I got anxious when I talked to her, And didn't like her to see how I typically acted. I got edgy to the point that anything could set me off and I got really, really jelious when she leaned her head on my brothers shoulder when he showed her something.. At that point I had decided that they didn't like each other at all and were just tolorating each other. The next time she stayed her brother stayed as well- And called dibs on the couch. We live in a trailer; Three beds and one couch. Guess where we slept? my bed. And saying "We slept" Could be considered innacurate- She wasn't even touching me and I couldn't freaking breathe and thought my heart was racing so much it would keep the both of us awake. Thankfully, It didn't. Unthankfully, I still didn't sleep. The last fiew encounters have included me stuttering and insuring her and my brother were far apart at all times, jokes regarding my sexuality and a lot of my wiping my palms on my jeans like friggin' teenage girls in chick-flicks. I haven't seen her in a while, But feelings haven't gotten away. Since my crush experience has come from wattpad books and other fictional sources I have no idea what that all means. For a while I considered being Bi; I'm not repulsed by guys but i'm not sexually or romantically attracted to them but I don't fear a relationship with one. But i'm not attracted to all women- Yeah, I've been caught checking out girls my age and maybe a year or two older and one of the biggest arguments i've had with my Dad was wether or not a chick on the back of a dirtbike poster my bro got in a magazine was hot or not (Runner up to the Who Was Hotter: Mikaela or Whats-Her-Face From Transformers (Makayla was from 1-2, The other girl just 3. Mikaela was played by Megan Fox for those of you unfamiliar with the movies- There is no competition there.) Both of which ended with me realizing my over-enthusiastic role in the argument may be suggesting towards my less-than-straight interest in women and ended in me rolling my eyes and saying "Whatever". Other hints were given to my brother- I want to tell him but he's a rat whom I think is partially Homophobic- He's seen who i've subscribed to on youtube- mostly gay or bi women (AmandasChronicles, Etc.) and the fact that I stood infront of the topless girl in Farcry 4 longer than neccicary to pick a arena battle (Partly because it embarasses him and partly because the game has killer graphics) I've also openly showed LGBTQ+ support to anyone who will listen, and lost facebook friends for it. Overall I'm just confused- I've never been attracted to a guy but ran into a *Parked* car the other day gawking at a girl in a really, really, really nice backless sundress. But i'm not totally opposed to male-female relationships (Being in one I mean) And i've met genderfluid (Born female, identify as genderfluid, and interested in girls for the most part) online and in rl i've been interested in but it still is a mess. I've for the most part singled it down- Gay, Bi, Or Pan? Thanks To Anyone Willing To Help! Don't Know What I'm Looking For, But Any And All Information On This Is Welcome :newcolor:
Hello ^^ To be honest, you don't really sound straight to me. It does sound like you're maybe gay or even partially skoliosexual, I'm not sure what you meant by "interested in" the genderfluid person? Did you mean romantically? It actually sounded a bit like you were somewhere on the asexuality spectrum like demisexual or gray-asexual or maybe even just asexual. You can just use any label that feels comfortable, you don't have to use any that I've suggested. Good luck
Yes, I ment romantically. And thats for responding.. I think Demi-Sexual is the closest thing yet.. I've never heard of alot of these, I've avoided looking too far into it for a while now, I think I was kind of scared that I actually was something other than straight. Thanks for the help I appriciate it.
