Hello everyone! I need some advice about a situation I'm in concerning my sexuality. Here is the story. I'm a 17 year old pretty average guy. To start off simple I have always considered myself to be a straight guy and I have always liked girls but something happened some time ago that I can't shake out of my head. There are 2 things in particular that are getting to me and both of them took place when I was between 7 and 10 years old, can't remember exactly. I had a male friend of mine that I used to hang out with a lot at that time in my life and there is really nothing more to it, played games together, played football and that's it. But what happened one time is because we youngsters at that age found out about porn and of course watched it occasionally and one time he got an idea an proposed it to me, because we we're curious I guess, and that idea was that he sucks my penis. Don't remember exactly in detail but we got under the blanked in my room and he put my penis in his mouth and whatever and kinda 'sucked it' for some time and we stopped and that is pretty much it. He did propose the idea one more time some days later that I should do it to him or he should do it again to me but I refused. It is so weird cause sexual attraction or anything like that didn't even come to mind, as stupid as it is we were just two friends that happened to do that. The other thing that happened (after the first one) happened as I said in the same time in my life, perhaps at most a year later when I was 11 but I doubt it. Me and my best friends in the neighbourhood always played around outside and we had this half-retarded friend that would be there with us. It's really hard to explain and I don't want you to get the wrong idea. He was a 20 year old guy that had the mind of an 8 year old, he would go around with us and play with us as if he was our age. So once, and I don't know how it got to this, we went to a place in the neighbourhood that really wasn't anyone there ever. So the idea was that he would show us stupid little kids what masturbating and ejaculating looked like. So yeah we watched as he did it, me and my friends and at sometime I came to the idea and told my friends that we all try it on him to like stroke his penis. So one of my friends did it kinda first and then again properly when I said that it wasn't the idea, and then I went and grabbed his penis and stroked it like 3 or 4 times and nothing else really. Later he ejaculated and we went home. Weird stuff I know but bare with me. As I said I have always been into girls, can't take my eyes off of them most of the times, whenever I see anything about two dudes it naturally creeps me out, and I mean even the smallest things like even two guys being nice to each other in an awkward way. I fantasize about girls always, I've done sexual things with a girl and would only do it with a girl. Even when me and my friends see a good looking female and they make a stupid joke to me about us having sex with her together like a threesome or whatever I just can't imagine it when there is another guy in the picture. I don't have anything against gay people and I hope I haven't offended anyone in any way. At first it might seem that I don't want to accept being gay or whatever, while there is some truth to that it's not what you might think at first. I'm not afraid of being bullied or having family problems and I wasn't taught to dislike homosexual people just as I said earlier. The fact is it is just not my thing and I don't feel it, at all... It is hard to explain and I think I did my best. In all honesty I think what is killing me inside is that even though I'm into women all the way and I love 'em, I can't face the fact that something like the nature of sexual orientation that I didn't choose would make me feel and do something that I don't find appealing at all. This is something that I had to share with someone. Thanks for reading all the way, I'm sure to some this might seem stupid or obvious or complicated. I would like to hear some of your thoughts about this.
You said two dudes together naturally creeps you out. What do you think is the reason for it ? I mean, what exactly is it about gay behavior that you find repelling ? You said you have no dislike for gay people and I believe you, but the last part of your post that I quoted above speaks for itself. You've subconsciously developed a fear of possibly being gay, brought on by your past gay experiences. I think you're reacting presently the way you are because it reminds you subconsciously of your past experiences and your mind sees it as a threat to your genuine interest in girls. I would advise you to make peace with it or else it might lead to stronger anxiety or even a fetish. Learn to be open to gay experiences. Face your fears. Remember that just because you have a gay experience (or even that you enjoyed it) does not mean you're gay. From what you've written, you seem very straight to me.
Thanks for your advice. As for your question about what I find repelling about gay behavior is I just don't see anything in it and it does not interest me, just like any straight person. But what happened before just seems to bug me for whatever reason. I didn't talk to anyone I know personally about it not because I'm afraid of anything, I just find it to be something that simply never should have happened and I wish I could erase it from my memory. I have a really enjoyable life and there is nothing that really bothers me at all but that is the one thing that keeps bugging me, simply like "WTF was that?". As I said a stupid amount of times, I love women and that is that, the thing that happened I guess just kind of feels out of place. Perhaps I needed some opinions other than my own. I could probably go on for days about this, sorry if I complicated it too much. If you have any more thoughts about the matter after this response please do write it. Thanks again!
