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Seriously questioning...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by nikar, Jun 9, 2016.

  1. nikar

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Greece
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hello! i am 25 years old, a guy and i live in Greece.
    Let me start at the beginning.
    I have something called capnolagnia and it all started from there. The irony is that when I was a kid I REALLY used to hate smoking and everything assosiated.
    It was all okay until around I was 12. Then I watched a movie where the protagonist -a guy- smoked a cigar. and I seriously liked it. Anyway, always assosiated with the cigar, I started liking the hero. He was masculine and had the classic bad-boy anti-hero vibe we see in the movies. I kept telling myself that I liked his posture and masculinity because I seriously didnt have any at that age which is normal I guess. Even now I am not exactly a buff guy. I am average height and thin. Anyway. When I first masturbated it was of screencaps of that scene. I can't stress enough though that it was the smoking of it all that aroused me. So my masturbation part of my life started with a guy smoking. Ok. Whatever.
    Until then I had girl crushes and I was generally speaking about girls and seeing girls in my future. But all that changed. And thus the confusion began. I wouldnt give much thought to it especially after I discovered capnolagnia and I was saying to myself that I had a serious fetish that I couldnt exactly get away from. Every now and then I used the occasional porn and that was okay. But 95% of the time it was cigar scenes, cigar videos and such. I tried watching women smoke but it didnt have ANY effect. I was telling myself it was a guy-thing, and that was why i didnt like it. (in hindsight that sounds sexist).
    When i finished school i got a job at a bar where most people smoked. Cigarettes. And then I started liking that too. But again only guys.
    Some time after that I got a girl which I still believe I had fallen for but she ended it after a while because I wasnt going through ANY base. Only kissing. To be fair she was weird about PDA and I was afraid to do it. And since we couldnt at the time get together at either one's house I felt trapped into a corner. After we ended things I was a wreck but i started examining things and while i really liked her I was terrified of initiating sex because I had already the fear of being gay and being discovered by her if i couldnt function. To this day I am still afraid and I am a virgin.
    The smoking thing never left but the confusion didnt either. It developed now and i realise I look mostly guys than girls. I like girls still but 80% of the time not aroused by them. I have thought that I might be Bi leaning on gay but i really dont know.
    I live in a society where being called gay is a bad thing and even my family have reservations to this whole thing especially since they are religious and view being gay as some kind of sin.
    I dont think its bad, I respect gay people and I am not religious but if it turns out i am gay. I really feel I couldnt and i shouldnt come out to my family. Some friends might be okay with it but my family probably wont.
    Thankfully, the lack of a relationship is masked by how busy i am with studies (I am currently taking my masters degree) and by work. I worked every day since high school because my dad died and i help at the house. But i really dont think i can hide forever though there are a few tried things that have worked.

    How I feel is this: I wouldnt have problem with being gay. I just wish I would be sure. The lack of experimantation is a problem. I am afraid of be close to girls in fear of not functioning at sex and being outed, I cant experiment with men because i dont know any way, especially in this country of mine so it feels like a double-edged knife. (Not to mention that most gay people I have heard of here are mostly doing this for the sake of it wearing ridiculus clothing because it's somewhat become a cool thing to do to piss off the parents. so these people annoy me and i wouldnt if i could, ask help from them.)

    The coming out thing is whats the big problem. I couldnt come out even if i knew. So the headline in my head is "why bother?".
    For a few months now I think I have a crush on a workmate who -of course- also smokes.
    The other day I had a dream kissing a man and I felt peace and calm and I woke up really happy.
    My everyday life is spent by thinking it over and over. And after all this time, and having enough stress over studying and money problems I smoke, too.
    I dont know what to do. I am afraid to even fully come out to myself. Whatever insight you have would be helpful.
    Thanks.
    P.S. If something I wrote comes out as wrong just know it wasnt deliberate.
    Also it's 3 in the morning so I am sorry about any mistakes on my writing. lol
     
  2. faustian1

    Full Member

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    Hi, and welcome.

    Just in case you think the smoking thing is a bit weird, I have a confession to make, by way of illustration.

    At the moment I don't smoke, and I haven't for almost 25 years. It was the down side of watching people die from it that made me stop. To this day, however, it still turns me on.

    When I was about twelve, just like you were, I was realizing that male bodies interested me more than female ones. And, especially, when I saw a young guy smoking, it was instant arousal. Usually when I masturbated, I thought of myself smoking. When I was in high school, I started smoking. The funny thing that pushed me over the top, was that my high school was right next door to another school. When I saw the younger guys sneaking cigarettes outside in the morning, I made sure I was able to watch them. It turned me on something fierce.

    After that, I would never masturbate without smoking. I never thought myself to be strange, but I was quite sure my interest was somewhat unusual. I wouldn't have told anyone about it at the time, even if I had been open about liking guys.

    Much later, when the internet came along, and all the porn sites, I was delighted to see that if you type in "smoking" into the search box of any of those sites, hundreds of porn clips appeared. All of a sudden, I realized that I wasn't quite that 1 in 1,000 that I imagined.

    Alas, I gave up smoking after doing it for about 20 years, and these days I do like watching the videos, but I don't usually do it very often. I've found other things that turn me on, too. (!)

    So sure, you could have a smoking fetish and not be "gay." That would be easy. So one may not be necessarily linked to the other. And of course, cigar scenes are stereotypically gay (I never much liked watching those--cigarettes were it for me). But be honest with yourself. When you watch these things, is it only the cigar smoking that arouses you? How about all the genitalia and sex going on besides the cigars? Does that do anything for you?

    You can answer, because you are asking yourself the question. No one else has to know the answer. You owe it to yourself to be honest with yourself. For others, you can choose what you want to say and reveal, but inside you just have to know yourself. It causes endless problems when we don't admit to ourselves what the truth is, about nearly any subject.

    You made it clear that you're afraid of being gay. I don't think there's anything wrong with that either. But you need to explain in your own head, very clearly, why you are afraid. Just remember, we all have things we know about ourselves that we do not share. Some we're proud of, some we're not. It's OK to have some fear of others, but see how it screws you up, when you're afraid of yourself? In that state, you can't even comfort yourself. That's a big problem.

    You also wrote, "I wouldn't have problem with being gay. I just wish I would be sure. The lack of experimentation is a problem. I am afraid of be close to girls in fear of not functioning at sex and being outed, I cant experiment with men because i dont know any way, especially in this country of mine so it feels like a double-edged knife."

    The internet makes it easier to "experiment," with either sex. I'm wondering if you think you can't experiment with men, partly because you worry it might "convert" you. And you're worried about performance with women. Personally, I think you should "experiment" with both. You'll know pretty fast whether you like sex with males or not, in that case. I feel you probably are getting pretty strong clues about what arouses you, from internet porn--isn't that right?

    The clues are there, and they probably are wired in pretty hard. Just remember what I started with. I watched people die from smoking, and I even quit, but even so it still turns me on to watch. That's pretty hard wired if you ask me.
     
  3. nikar

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Yes. I do worry going the extra mile. I dont know why. And the clues are there but see, I do like both gay and straight porn. And it confuses me even more. It is mostly gay though. Yes the genitalia and sex do things for me besides the cigar smoking.
    I dont know what else to do. It really really screws me up. I just wish one day the opportunity arises itself for either way to ensure for myself. It doesnt help that all this for over 13 years has given me a huge inferiority complex.
    I got to tell the truth though that pretending to be fully straight is soooo exausting.
    Thanks for the response. Especially seeing you have the same fetish as me it really helps.
     
  4. faustian1

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    That's one thing this forum can help you with. By reading here, possibly you'll see there is less reason for you to feel inferior. It's one thing to feel persecuted, and quite another to internalize it and feel inferior. This is worse.

    People are really friendly here. It seems to be a safe place.